Let me preface this email/scenario by saying that I will be divorced 2 years this August.

I haven't spoken to my FMIL in 2 years (since I asked XH to file in June 02). We were VERY close. Our contacted was limited to an occasional email or two every six months or so. I sent xmas cards - a nice little note now and then via email. Her current H came and picked up some of my XH's crap that he left behind.

I also need to say that she has LOTS of ISSUES. So some things you will read look strange on my part. Just understand that control was always a big thing in my XH's family even if it was passive.

My FMIL is also a martyr and DRAMA QUEEN. If she could take credit for everything good her children have accomplished - she would. Any wrong they have done never has anything to do with how she raised them, etc.

So, as you are about to read this (and I'll post my reply to her later) don't take everything you read literally - or as the truth for that matter.

Her son was a MESS. And, she wants someone to BLAME. My storyline is under the topic "llama chronicles" if you care to see anything from the past.

Here's a little timeline leading up to THE EMAIL:

2/6/04
She replies to a "hi how are you" email from me. She mentions thinking it's weird we haven't "bumped into each other"

(a close friend of the family died that week and I (llama) emailed her a "thanks for the email, I'll write more later)

2/18/04
I reply saying it's been a while since we've actually spoke and even longer since we've seen each other. I suggest maybe email would be a good vehicle to get re-aquainted for now.

She replies to me and says "It sounds as if you are not really ready for a "live encounter." You know where I am and that things are well. Let's just determine to reassure each other of that now and then, and let time take its course for a while."

2/19/04
I wrote her back defining my email a bit (preface: she ALWAYS has an answer like this and puts it back on me). I say if she has rules like no talk about the M or XH or what he's doing now, then fine. I simply wanted to know what the rules were prior to meeting.

SHE NEVER REPLIED

3/17/04
I email her and say that it seems she doesn't want to "re-connect." I also said that if and when we ever were to bump into each other, I would always greet her with a hug and a smile.

DRUM ROLE PLEASE.....BUM BUM BUM BUM

3/18/04 Email from FMIL

My mother died Tuesday morning. I just came from the visitation in xxxxxx. Take anything any way you want. I thought your last e-mail
was inflammatory and sounded as if you were trying to pick a fight. You got me on a bad day this time, so I'll answer you.

As I recall (correct me if I'm wrong) we had a conversation in which you said you were sorry for the parts of the failure of the marriage that
were your fault and you would like a chance to work on them. Wanting you both
to be happy (and to stay married), I made the case to XH (her son) that he try some
more because you seemed sincerely dedicated to working on the problems,
andI knew he was, too.

Next thing I heard from XH, you wanted a divorce. You didn't call me to
say you'd changed your mind (I would have understood, too). I was left hanging on the limb I'd crawled out on to try to help you get what you wanted. Here's a quote from your last e-mail: "We were very close -
like a mother and daughter."

So I got blind-sided by you about your
preferences and intentions.

You had to do what your heart told you was right. I was hurt and disappointed, but like you said, I had been through a similar situation
(although I gave it 8 years, and a two-year separation before we committed
to divorce). In my mind, you quit on the marriage very quickly, but that
was your decision to make. I just thought you should have told me that yourself instead of letting me hear it from XH.

Because of the way you did that, I felt a little less mother/daughter connection on your part than I had prior to that.

Then, very hurt and emotionally unsettled, XH asked me not to talk to you
because he had been burned in the "triangulation" of my telling him you
wanted to try to work things out, and then your telling him you wanted a divorce. I could see why he wanted to put a stop to that. I felt
rejected by you and yes, actually, betrayed. But still, when you made continued
efforts to communicate I felt really torn by my desire to reconnect with
you and my promise to XH to avoid getting into the triangle of "Llama
said.../XH said..." I wanted honest relationships with both of you, but
I couldn't work it out.

Next thing that comes in the mail - an annulment. How can you annul that
marriage? What grounds did you use? I have a lot of Catholic education
and theological training. I know the grounds for annulment. XH may have had some. As far as I could see, you didn't. You can quit the
marriage -say it didn't work out. Say XH let you down, cheated on you,
whatever. But if you decide to divorce rather than trying to work through the problems, I think you have to accept your situation as a divorced woman. You annulled that marriage before I had even paid off the bills we
incurred in support of the marriage!

That, I believe, deserved at least a letter of explanation. To my mind, we
were certainly not involved in a mother/daughter relationship any more.
I had been annulled! Never happened. Slate wiped clean. Except for my hopes
and dreams for you - Boyds Bears, Llamas, Christmas ornaments, Waterford
champagne flutes, anticipating the arrival of little Zachary and Lindsey. (names of our children - IF we had them.)

Next letter I get from you says: "I was very hurt, however, when you shut yourself off completely from me. I thought we were close enough that you would have sent me a letter or something. That hurt." You know what I
sayto you about that? Back -atcha!

Next paragraph from you: "I'm sorry for any hurt or pain I have caused you. I had thought that you of all people would have been more
understanding of my situation - you had been through similar pain in your
own separation and divorce from FFIL (jerk of the century). If anyone could relate to the
pain, frustration and agony that I endured - it would have been you. Yet, as
close as we were, you shut the door completely."

I never shut the door completely. I bent my commitment to XH every way I
could and still feel okay about my own integrity. I encouraged H (her husband) to
stay in touch with you so you would know what was going on, and I looked
forward to running into you somewhere in public. Even commented that I was
surprised we hadn't run into each other (pushing the XH-envelope even
further because I really missed you). Instead of your saying somethinglike, "I think I'll be at Einstein's Bagels on Saturday at 2" so we
could "run into" each other, I got back a challenge about what if anything
would be off limits. It sounded like you were trying to pick a fight before I ever got there.

You are a lovely and charming young woman with a large social circle. If
you don't just want to talk to me for me, go talk to someone else. If you
want to talk to ME, appreciate that you dished out every bit as much hurt and rejection as you have been subjected to, and I am willing to wipe the slate clean and "reconnect" with you, as long as I am not asked to
compromise my relationship with XH. You KNEW my relationship with
XH when you started dating him. It has not changed. I don't love him on
the condition that he is perfect. I love him - period.

Your final comment was: "Let me make this very clear, so I don't appear to
sound too selfish. I know you were there for XH and that was your priority at the time. I'm not saying you should have focused your
attention on me. But, a letter, a phone call, a lunch or dinner - something - it
wasn't too much to ask."

Sorry. Yes it was. I promised XH not to
interact with you, and a letter, phone call, lunch or dinner was too much
to ask. I was able to rationalize that an occasional brief e-mail response
to your communication was not too much, but direct communication in a
social situation was NOT okay. I told you I promised XH I wouldn't
interact you with you. How could you get yourself worked into a place
where you felt I had slighted you by keeping my word to my son. We weren't
as close as you thought if you didn't know me better than that.

"I'm secure enough of a person now to say these things to you without having to worry about some kind of punishment. I'm very willing to work on mending our relationship, are you?" - some kind of "punishment"?????????
What is that about? Know what I think? You punished me. I bought every
issue of your WONDERFUL magazine, and I missed being asked to edit.

You do a beautiful job. The black and white movie piece was fabulous. The
most recent issue is national quality. I really missed not being able to
continue the working relationship, and it would have been a doorway to the
rest of the interaction you say you wanted. YOU dumped ME, Llama. And
I felt it. But I understood.

Do you think I didn't want to send you every picture of (her daughter's baby)? I loved you, just like you thought. But instead of
trying to understand the unusual and difficult position I was in between you
and XH, you chose to play "poor me."

Like I said inthe beginning, you caught me on a pretty "raw" night. If you
want to discuss or debate or comment further on the issues I raised above,
you know where I am. Otherwise, I'll accept your "good-bye" until or if
you ever feel differently. Going to bed now. Funeral is early tomorrow
morning.