Jody:
I have some experience dealing with this. My husband has struggled for our entire relationship with sexual/relationship addiction issues.
Have you sought counseling at all? H spent years believing that his serial cheating was a "sign" that he had made a mistake in marrying me, had married the wrong person, etc. etc.
All told, counting EAs and PAs, he had 8 OW in our fifteen year relationship. In counseling we realized
even though he had what most would consider a good childhood,(i.e. no overt abuse) he had a lot of issues from his family of origin that made it very difficult/near impossible for him to reject any source of positive attention. A lot of people have found this thread from our first six months of recovery to be helpful, but I'll warn you--it's monstrously long.
Self-Worth, Inner child stuff, and other helpful stuff from my MC Recovery CAN happen with a serial adulterer/relationship addict. BUT-- I say this with the caveat that it can only happen
after the addict hits their own personal "rock bottom" and seeks help
for themself.At the point where you are, the best you can do is make the consequences of what she's doing as apparent as possible. DO NOT SHIELD AN ADDICT FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BEHAVIORS. Some of what people consider "Plan A" behavior is very enabling to relationship addicts, feeds their desire to believe they are not wrong in what they are doing, and prevents them from reaching that rock-bottom reality check they often desperately need.
And generally, it works out that spouses of addicts tend to have very codependent/enabling personalities. I know I sure did. Your primary task right now is to define and enforce your boundaries. Even if the relationship with your wife doesn't work out, you may end up with another person just like her without realizing you are setting yourself up for it unless you work on your own issues. The "Boundaries" books by Cloud and Townsend are very good, and available on Amazon.
Best of luck and God's blessings.
