I am actually an old member with a familiar story! You all know me here, I HOPE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

here goes our evening...H comes home and I asked him to have a seat. we just looked at each other and I said...

me: well, talk

h: I think I need to move out

me: oh, ok, why?

H: because I am not giving you what you deserve!

me: OK, well, have you been seeing her this whole time.

H: what does it matter

me: alot

H: yes, a few times

me: how have you called her

H: it doesn't matter

Me: yes, it is all out on the table now, so go ahead and talk

H: calling card

me: when did you see her

H: she came to the ER a few times

sick to my stomach

I said for him to get out of my house and for him to take a good look at me and the boys and leave my house. I told him to say goodbye to his kids and leave.

he wouldn't leave...he said goodbye to the boys and started crying. They asked why and he started to say "well, mommy and I" and I waved my hand and pointed to him and lipped "NO YOU"...then he said "well, daddy just needs to go live someplace els for a while"

This is all so fuzzy, it all happened so fast and so much was exchanged.

He said he loved me, but not romantically. I said it was kinda hard to love someone romantiocally when you are sleeping with OW. he agreed!

Gosh , so much was exchanged and talked about, I cant possibly remember it all...OK, I told him that I was willing to give him a chance if he ended it but he blew it. I asked him when he resumed contact, he said about 5 days afterward. Someone said she wanted to meet him someplace. At the T Heads. God, I am sooooo stupid. Sooooo dumb! The signs were all there!

OK, I told him I would be getting a mediator. He asked who and I named a few names. He out ruled two of them. so that leaves two left. I told he was not to contact me and not to see me again. He said "ever" and I said NOPE...he said that will be hard...well, you chose this path...

Ok, at one point I asked him to call her up and just end it..he said it was just too painful...I said, but it's not too painful to walk away from your family is it! He said, yes it is..I dont want to walk away from you! I love you!

He said he CAN end the contact, but he has burned his bridges with me...I told him I was a fool....I've been played a fool and I am sooo stupid. All the signs were there. The missing pills. I was down on my hands and knees looking for that damn pill while he watchedn. he said it killed him that I was doing that! The two pills missing, those weren't for Ro...I am soooo stupid. he said no you are not...you wanted to beleive me! I am an [censored]! I asked him if he liked the person he had become and he said NO, not at all...But YOU chose this life! Not me!


OK, I need to cut this short. he was about to leave and he said PLEASE give me another chance! Please, i can end the contact. I broke the rule of NC before...Please, you can go to the nursing hom with me tomorrow to end the contact. I need you there for my support!

I wanted to say ok, and I MAY HAVE said ok..but I remember saying I just dont know if I can do this again. The pain is too much for me to deal with...You have lied to badly to me. I just dont know!

he said for me to think about it and he would call me later!

Part of me wants to go with him so he can end it, but then how am I supposed to know if he is truthful about is actions.

I am ready for Plan B, but then what if I pass this opportunity up to go end it with OW with me there. I told him he would change his mind come morning and he said he wouldn't ..he needs my support!

What am I supposed to do! I just cant stand the pain anymore! I am sick of this. Should I just plan B him. If she makes him so damn happy, then she can have him!

Hi, but I refuse to call you a fool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. But your false recovery is exactly what happened btw. me and my WH - although he was MUCH more honest with me. He told me from about the 5th day that he wasn't sure he could continue to be here (home). I brushed it off as fogtalk, and tried to give him hope for our future.

Three separate times he 'broke it off' with her, although now I know that that only happened the first time. I believe the two other times they discussed waiting for each other.

Anyway, you know my story up to now. Perhaps the best thing your WH can do is go be with her. The first 6 weeks was REALLY hard. Then I resolved myself to plan Aing that b@$[censored] until he couldn't see straight. And you know what? He CAN'T see straight.

My plan A has pushed OW over the edge, and she is making mistakes left and right. She is pushing him, fighting with him, and putting me down. All things that are pushing him closer to me. Fortunately for me, OW has NO CLUE about this site - how did THAT happen BTW?

All I'm saying is give yourself a week or two to calm down - I did the same thing. Contact was limited and strained during that time period. We slowly resumed contact via email, and then the face to face visits came more naturally. He was able to see in person that I am okay - the changes that I've made to myself and our home were NOT temporary.

I know you're sooooooooo angry right now. With good reason. Just give yourself a little time to adjust. Your head will be swimming. Guaranteed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm by no means the expert, but your false recovery and mine (although I never would have called it recovery to begin with) are VERY similar.

Keep posting....

- WHB

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Wanting Him Back ]</small>

It's a hard call...but I want you to think about what the outcome of both Plan A and Plan B is supposed to be: ending the affair. If he is willing to do that with you present....I'm thinking that's a better strategy than Plan B...certainly less risky. However, you're going to have to up the ante on accountability....with some really restrictive conditions. Is he really ready for that? Are you?

One of the good litmus tests for Plan B is also how much loss of love you've suffered. I dunno chere....sounds like you still love him to me.

Played, I would love to smack the crap out of your H and really give the OW hell. I know, I'm so mature. This gets me so angry. You are not a fool. They are the big losers. Don't you forget it! Your H is waffling like crazy because somewhere in him he remembers he loves you. Whether he will come to his senses in time is another story.

You don't need to do anything right now! You think about what YOU want so you can operate from a place of strength. Your H is the one who blew it. I'm not saying you should dump him, but you also don't need to jump through hoops immediately. You have just been retraumatized. Be good to yourself now. I am praying for you. CV

Can we order OW voodoo dolls??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would be the 1st in line to buy one of those dolls. That is so funny. Two guys I work with are moving to New Orleans. The last day I saw them was last Thursday. We were talking about voodoo, and I mentioned I might know someone I'd like a doll for. They said I could send them a lock of her hair. Of course we were joking, but I'm actually thinking, "HMMMM, I wonder if she left any hair at H's place of business?" CV

I would say give him a chance if stays in the house. Once he is gone, I think it may be harder to get him back. This is my uneducated opinion. He needs to break contact from the OW immediately. Good luck. He remains in the fog and doesn't want to lose either woman. He needs to make a choice now.

I am sorry that you are joining my lovely group: the false recovery crew.

I feel for you, I truly do. I think the rediscoveries hurt worse and worse each time until I finally understood that I could not make him want to end contact and I couldn't even help him if he really didn't want to. Of course, a very, very persistent OW doesn't help.

Girlfriend, my H and OW continued contact almost two YEARS post-dday. It dwindled to just phone calls, once every few weeks, all initiated by him However, I did excellent Plan A, a quick Plan B in which we did not have a plan for when he came home--contact began again, another three month Plan B, counseling with SH, contact then began again and he refused to continue counseling. Finally I just told him he couldn't come home again EVER unless he went by the book and counseled with SH.

Some of these guys just really have a tough time ending their addiction.

Use that anger to help you stand up for yourself and reinforce boundaries. You NEED SH NOW!! Get him to help you and H put together a plan for no contact, with ways for you to check etc. That is, IF you think he is really sincere this time. Believe me, I know how hard it is to discern. I think they do want their M and families but are too damned selfish to live completely without the fantasy of this woman willing to do anyting to be with them.

What can YOU live with? I did everything to hang on, even to anti-anxiety medication until I realized wholy and completely that I couldnt even respect myself any more if I allowed continued contact. I think my H could see that I really and truly meant it. I just knew I would be ok either way and I kind of just didn't care if he was going to stick to nc anymore. I DO NOT recommend getting to that point. It scares me that it took me that long to get a backbone and love myself enough to not accept his bull sh*t. Read Love Must be Tough by James Dobson, that will help you!!

Hugs!!

PAF,

I am so sorry your WH hasn't come to his senses yet. He is the fool, not you. OW is a drug and he is seriously addicted. It didn't take me long to see the real OP for who and what he really is, WTF is it gonna take for your WH to see this B**CH for what she really is??? GRRRRR. I would like to give him a good hard kick in the butt. You hang in there and don't let this destroy your soul. You are one heck of a woman! He needs to wake up and see that.

BTW, FYI, it was very easy for me to figure out who you are by what you posted in this thread. If WH or OW read it, I think they would know pretty much right away as well. I wish that you could go back and edit your post, but from what I see that option has been eliminated.

((HUGS))
mrsx

As far as figuring out who I am, I think that is ok, cuz I am banking on OW and WH NOT to look for an unfamiliar name. they will look for the other name...

I like all your suggestions. another update however

WH called I will try to remembe the conversation:

me: hello

WH: Hi, your still up

me: yea

I'll cut to the chase cuz i have no idea what he said and when he said it...

me: so what are you going to do

WH: I know what I HAVE to do...but it is so hard to break it off with OW

me: hmm, ok, then be with her, that is fine...

WH: part of me wants to break it off and part of me doesn't

me: oh, ok

WH: if I break it off with her and I go back to you, then it doesn't work out I hae burned my bridges with her

me: well, yea...

OK, I told him IF he wanted to work on this marriage he KNEW what he had to do....he said "quit the you know what"..."yes, you got it" Well, I cant quit right away, I have to give them 30 days notice. Well, if you want back into this family, then that is a must, period. he agreed to that...But we will see what he says tomorrow. That was teh biggy he said!

I asked him how I could ever trust him again. He has no place to go and no place to stay. And as long as OW is in the picture he will not be allowed back into this house. Period.

I am not giong to do this crap again. I will be setting boundries....

now I am going to go write to Dr. Harely and see what he says!

Life really sucks!

PAF, this one REALLY gets me.

"I'll have burned my bridges with OW."

Excuuuuse me - don't people (ie OW)wait forever for the people they love - just shows what foggy BS he's talking.

Keep it up PAF, all of us are with you.

BTW, we're all calling you PAF already LOL.

Jenny

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

You are FAR from a Fool!!!

Your H was lucky to have such a trusting W.

Those Men in that profession are so predictable.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
When he started getting all "cocky" I KNEW he was still in contact. Calling card?? JEEZZZZ

NOW he wants you to go to the "job" to help him end contact?? He needs to resign...PERIOD

Does OW know he needs "pills" ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I guess the MB group would consider that a LB to tell OW that she aint so hot after all since he needs his PILLS. OK That's the only nasty thing I will say (on this thread) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Played, Dont beat yourself up. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to keep your family intact
Mothers are strong people and we have that instint in us that will do anything to protect our babies even if it means a chip at our self esteem.

PEP made alot of sense, But so do the others.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ???

Can you start the recovery over again?
If you did, would you REALLY rest easy when he did his "night job" now that he has poisoned that too???

If you dont know what you want right now....Then do NOTHING. Distance yourself from his maddness
and for heaven sakes TAKE CARE OF YOU !!!!! and take the dang focus off of the LOSER WOMAN..
She is not worthy to clean your shoes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
((((Played))))
Hang in there

PAF
I have no advice for you. My WH has left home and has not shown any signs of returning so I can only imagine the pain you are enduring with this false recovery. Just wanted you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I have put in an emergency call to Steve and sent him an email...I dont think I slept an hour last night!

I am still unsure of what I want to do and if I want this man back into my life right now. If I do let him back in, he will have to show me and prove to me he is willing to give me 100%...that means

QUIT the nursing home...period

possibly MOVE to another city and give up his practice...this is a VERY small town....he can run into at any time...also she can quit and go to another NH and get hired

put a GPS stystem on his car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As far as the phone calls...what can I do..dont know. I honestly dont know if I can trust this man again. I KNOW he wants to stop this. It was just like looking into the eyes of an addict last night. He was pleading for help. But how can I help him if he wont do it! sigh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Played

I was also played, in the same exact way. False recovery really stinks. This is why I don't know if I can do it or not now. Another false recovery and I would end up in the ER I fear. Good luck and set those boundaries, and don't break them. I will pray for you, god bless you and your boys.

HINY

Played, I am so sorry to hear your story! i am in a very similar boat! ARGH!

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

Played -

Something else I forgot to mention in my earlier post. When WH was home those few weeks in Dec/Jan, he tried to 'break it off' with her. On the third and final time, he asked me to make him accountable. He wanted me to call him all the time, stop by his work unannounced, and check his phone.

When I told this to SH, his response was, "Why should you be accountable for HIS recovery?" Good question. And, it didn't work.

He eventually got angry about all the checking up. What's funny (or maybe not so much) is that when he told me this, I said, "aren't you going to get angry because I'm smothering you?" He said that he probably would, but that I needed to be strong and expect it. Ha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway, if he's so wishy washy - making him stay won't make him do the right thing. He's obviously feeling like the grass is greener. Let him go and show him how many weeds there really are over there.

I know it's hard, and given a second chance, I'd probably still try to hang onto him. But getting her out of his system is probably the best thing for us. Besides, it simply gives me time to put forth the best possible effort not only for myself, but for our marriage too.

So even though everything looks bleak right now, and you can't stand the sight of his sorry a$$ - there is still hope. The fact that he is openly conflicted with you is great. He'll go to her, and she won't be able to offer him NEARLY what you can. But he WILL NOT realize this unless he sees it for himself. I know my WH wouldn't. Even if he'd have stayed here, in the back of his mind, he'd have probably always thought 'woulda, shoulda, coulda'.

Make sense? (in the words of our favorite C)

Hang in, and let us know what SH says......

- WHB

WHB, you and I sound a lot alike. Aren't you the one who said that you were going to give your WH the same letter I wrote to my WH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Just got off phone with SH...Plan B today if he decides NOT to end the contact...If he decided to end it then I need to set some boundries and be very guarded. He needs tocome up witht the plan and SH also wants to talk with him.

DR. Harley's take...set the boundries, and basically watch him like a hawk! Go with him everywhere he goes. No phone, etc...Plan B if he decides to stay in A.

I am ready, I think! Help me Please!

Played, if you have to Plan B it has got to be better than wondering if you are being lied to. I remember looking into those dead, addict eyes. Yuck! Because of your situation I looked at H this morning and asked him if he's kept to NC. I asked him if he would tell me if the "B" called him. He said yes, but da** these WSs are good liers. Hopefully my H is staying truthful.

Don't beat yourself up for being a fool. The 2 weeks my H was phoning OW we'd talk every day and he'd assure me there was NC. Unbelievable! Whenever I doubt this A was an addiction I think of those things. You are not a lier so why would you think your H is lying? It's beyond our comprehension. And they are with someone who is encouraging the deception.

On another post yesterday I recorded a dream H had last week. He was walking by a house in our neighborhood and an armadillo was blocking his way. He tried to beat it off with a bat and a broom, but it kept coming at him. It told him, "I'll give you candy if you don't tell your parents." Hopefully at least my H's uncounscious is getting what a predator his OW was. Hofefully yours will also.

Remember, YOU have the power now. CV