My oldest daughter just turned 14 and will be starting High School next year, a pretty difficult time for teenagers and parents as well. She is my daughter from my first marriage. She has always been close to her stepfather (WH) and she knews about his cheating. He has been the only other man I have let into her life since her father and I split. Their relationship has been strained from time to time the past year, but for the most part they are close.

In the same respect my daughters father also has been in a long term relationship with this woman, the only other woman in her life since her father and me split. He has vistation and they reguarly see my daughter.

My daughter came home last Thursday night from a visit with her dad extremely upset. At first she would not tell me what was wrong because her Dad said not to. I told her she was in my home and very upset after a visit with her Dad and I would kindly like to know what upset my daughter so much. She then proceeds to tell me that her Dad told her that him and his girlfriend of 6years are probaly splitting up very soon.

I dont think it is so much as the lost of the girlfriend. My daughter has said she is nice to her but she doesnt have that kinda relationship she has her stepfather. I do feel she is upset for her father. I feel as though she is upset because she has two parents in relationship turmoil. I feel extremely bad for my daughter and very guilty.

We have talked about her fathers position and she has expressed some feelings to me, but remamber she is 14 and very closed right now. I guess I am asking for any advice on how to get her to open up to me a little better, not only about her fathers situation but our situation. I am trying to be here for her and really dont know how to handle this. I just want her to feel safe and secure.

Spend time with her...conversations happen in the oddest of places...waiting for ice cream from the ice cream truck, walking thorugh the mall. Let her initiate any talk about her life...but you can start by telling her things about your life. Tell her about a problem at work, or dealing with a relative. Ask her advice...you'd be amazed what a 14 year olds perspective can bring.

But if you want to get serious...tuck her in a night like you used to. Put her in bed, turn out the lights, put covers on her, smooth them out, REALLY comfort her (she still wants to be babied). Then lay down next her staring at the ceiling. Tell her you are worried about her and worried for yourself. Tell her some of your fears. Ask her about her fears...then shut up and listen...NO comments, no fixes, just listen. You can ask some questions to get a clearer idea...she WILL ask for advice if she needs it, she will work it out somehow...we all do.

Hugs, hugs, lots of hugs. Could be Dad's impending breakup is bringing back memories of step-dad's breakup and the D between Dad and you...

I have asked my 15 year old daughter about this! She has also been through a lot with her father and I in the last year. Her advice to you is to let your daughter know how much you love her and care about her, in whatever way you do that usually. Reassure her that you are there for her. Rest assured when she is ready to talk that she will come to you. My personal experience is that girls of this age are more likely to talk with their frineds than their mothers. Just be open and caring and let her know that you are there for her. Then, when she feels ready to talk, she will come to you.
My thoughts are with you and her.Good luck.

Still,

I have been tryig to do just what you said but she seems to be avoiding me. I guess she knows I will eventually want to talk about her feelings. I am just trying to be as loving as possible.

Yes I am sure, she is thinking here we go again. Me and my WH are still together but should not be but are bind to each other right now due to financial difficulties. I am plan A'ing him for the sake of my family-home environment is pleasant of late. But I do know I want to seperate as soon as possible. As far as the break up of her father and me-yes I am sure she is thinking about it. Just recently she has talked to me about her feelings regarding our divorce.

Debbra,

Yes your D is right, I know she talks to this one very close friend who is practically a part of this family. I wont push it, I just try to be as loving as possible

Thanx

Lisa