Hmmm, that's a difficult situation, John. Why do you think she may feel like this? It is hard for me to imagine how she would not want to have any friends. You mentioned that her family is overseas. Did she grow up in this country (USA) or did she move here to be with you? The reason I am asking is because I'm not from the USA either and when I first moved here it was a bit difficult to meet people and get used to the american way of life. I was homesick a lot and I've cried some bitter tears missing my family and friends back home in Europe, but I've been here a while now and it's gotten much better. Meeting people and making friends had a lot to do with me feeling better about life here. This is such a great country and I really treasure the friendships that I've made here.

Could she be feeling homesick and maybe envious that your family is here? How do you respond to her family? Do you like being around them?

You mentioned that she does not want anyone to know about any of her business? Could this be a cultural difference between you and her? I'm also very reserved and I rarely talk to friends about issue that affect me personally, but I prefer to listen instead to others.

Kati

Kati and John -

I have totally been able to see my situation in your situation. Not the exact situation but the EN of admiration.

Kati I think we might be married to the same man.

My H flirts with anyone and anything all the time day and night. I've never really cared. I always thought it was funny. I like that he is confident. But I know that flirting got him into the A to begin with. I flirt too. Like a mad woman. After reading all of these books on how A's get started I'm really surprised it wasn't me that had the A.

In high school he wasn't the hottest guy in school (we started Dating in the 11th grade and have been together ever since.) I had many many boyfriends but he had very few girl friends.

Now he's all grown up, built like an action figure, crazy hot and has a personality of a very humble person. He's funny and women stop in their tracks around him.

I've always worshipped him. I make sure he knows that there is no other in my eyes. I get hit on left and right and he sees that. He knows that when I go on business trips I am approached by men. I have never let anyone in my bubble and I do not plan to either.

I have had some recent temptations. At one point I had almost convinced myself that 2 can play at this game. I know that's wrong but d@mnit...I fight temptation on a daily basis and he's approached by some dried up hussy (BFW) and he falls for the crap.

That's just stupid and there's no excuse other than ignorance and weak weak weakness!

Sorry...Got a little upset.

heroswife said....

built like an action figure

ohhoooooh ooooohh
which one which one which one!!!???????????????

BATMAM??

SPIDERMAN??

oooh ooooh...

the blob, the rock, the hulk...

wait wait don't tell me...

Plastic Man!!???? (is there a plastic man..or did I make that one up...sounds like some super here hero...

I personally always thought that Aqua Man was the custest.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

what about the wolverine guy..he's a little creepy...and you wouldn't want the waiter to piss him off if you were out to dinner with him...

oh wait a minute...I'm not really sure what an action figure is...

do you mean like GI-Joe....
hhmmmmmmmm

(john sorry for the temporary thread jack...please return to our previous programing..)


ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hahaha... I've often wondered if my H has a clone here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not really a flirt at all. Actually, I often feel quite uncomfortable around other men and I really don't know how to act or behave around them. Especially if they show interest in me. One of my girlfriends told me recently that she thinks that I need to learn how to flirt a little bit. She said that it'd be good for my self-esteem. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't even know how to do this. And I won't really try because it would be so fake. I can only be myself.

I do have to say though that sometimes I admire women who know how to seemlessly talk/interact with men. I'm really good at talking with business associates and my girlfriends, but around men I often feel shy and a bit insecure.

I've also gotten married at a very young age and sometimes I wonder if I would have more confidence/self-esteem if I had dated a bit more before settling down. I had two bf's before my H, but only one of them was serious. I noticed that my friends who have dated around a bit more seem to have an easier time interacting with guys and they also do not put up with stuff the way I do.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:

Kati I think we might be married to the same man.

/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Ark....reading that post as a smirk.

But therein lies the problem.

Turn on MTV, Friends, Sex in the City...

Programming such as this would have you believe that all there IS in life is the Flirt, the Game, the Transaction.

You're valuable if you can do these things... not if you are a person with integrity and principles.

The message is: Style is more important than Substance.

And why is that message so prevalent? Because Style makes money, Substance doesn't. I can buy the right stuff and look cooler, but I can't become a better person by wearing the right deoderant. So the whole American culture drowns in the message of Be Your Own Person, Play Don't Get Played, Have Fun Life is Short.

I'm a helpless fool to this message. A little devil sits on my shoulder and says "You missed out on All That Fun."

"If I only..." is sometimes like a ringing anthem in the mind... that poisons everything I believe in.

My problem is NOT that I didn't flirt enough, have enough girlfriends, etc. The problem is that I don't reject the message. And when I buy the message I seek out sensuality and enticement.

Divorce isn't a tragedy on TV... it's a good idea for a great episode of comedy. Adultery and cheating is funny, exciting, normal, interesting... that is how it is depicted.

My wife considers this stuff light entertainment. I look at it as an invitation. I try to explain that to her, but she still wants to watch it when I'm around.

See, my problem is not the temptation to cheat... it's the temptation to become a villain of the worst kind. I either have to toss my belief in God out the window, alienate friends and family, and give into drunken sensuality OR fear God, follow His statutes, and give my all in marriage, fatherhood, work, etc.

When I am in my anarchist mindset, the only possible reason I can think NOT to do whatever I want is the incredible destruction I would reap upon a relatively innocent person: My wife. In this mindset I end up hoping she'll find someone else, so I can get lost in a numb sea of nothingness... giving up on the pain of trying to figure anything out... and just live by instinct.

In my mind, there is only Right or Wrong and everything else rises or falls by it. I hang by a thread onto what is right... but I fear the slightest nudge or jolt will bring ruin.

Just my $.02 on flirting.

John, all I can say is run as fast as you can away from coworker. My H hasn't posted on here for a while but maybe he'll read your thread and respond.

I'm not even sure I'd call us in recovery yet. It's been around 7 weeks of NC for H and OW. One of our assignments from Steve Harley is to discuss how the A happened, specifically how H failed to protect his weaknesses. What you are describing, the admiration crappola coming from your OW, could have come out of any OW's mouth. I am amazed that my H fell for the seductive SH&& OW was dishing out. If H writes to you make sure and ask him if the hell he has been going through was worth all the admiration OW showered on him? CV

John, I had to make a quick exit. I had someone a little too close to the computer screen at work. There were 2 more things I wanted to say. Before H's interaction with OW turned into an EA she would do things that I have posted on here, such as: blow kisses at him across the desk, meow at an imaginary cat (stll can't figure that one out), and wink at H. He told her to stop this behavior because he was weak. He told Steve Harley this because H thought that meant he was protecting his weaknesses. SH told him he was doing the apposite. It was telling OW, "Stop, but keep doing it because it feels so good." I think it's like feeding flesh to a vulture. Predatory OWs like to know they are making an impact. I know our little OW was very encouraged by H's response.

The other thing is go get MC with your W, if you're not doing that already. Get help for those problems you are describing. I guess I should say get help if you and your W can't negotiate these issues on your own. It will be a lot cheaper than a divorce after the A, or the megga bucks spent on to heal from the A and recover. Please, please listen to everybody. This little twit who is admiring you, it is all about false admiration, not the real thing. Oh, I do commend you. I wish my H would have known a site like this existed while he was getting seduced by OW. Take Care! CV

CV (and all y'all)--

My response to my coworker was a really dumb idea. I see that now. It was a tacit admission of interest.

I don't know WHAT this coworker is thinking now. I just know she acts extremely awkward around me. (Imagine that.) But it doesn't really matter what she thinks. I just need to stay away from her.

The much better news is that I told my wife what happened. She ALSO nailed me on how I requested my coworker stop complimenting me.

She was furious, of course. For about an hour on the phone. Then I said I wanted to quit and she said I wasn't allowed to quit on account of something like this.

Now she's acting like nothing happened. Acted completely normal this morning. Is this the calm before the storm? Is my wife going to revenge? I'm confused.

Kati-

Belated response on my wife.

I think my wife is so closed off because of pain in her childhood. Her mother was in two abusive relationships. Her father didn't want her (and it is even believed he killed her mentally disabled sister). My W was shifted from house to house as a child. In her later years a very protective older sister took her under her wings and babied her. (She is the youngest of five.)

The way she protects herself from pain is to keep people at a distance. Meanwhile, she REALLY needs me. I've never seen someone who functions like her. I do most of the cooking. I always get her drinks, blankets, whatever it is she wants. It's almost like she orders me around at times. I actually don't mind this because I love her so much. She sort of wants to be spoiled by me (as often as I am here to do so) but she wants everyone else to keep their distance.

Having said that, she keeps the house clean, does the laundry, etc. So she does her fair share. She just wants to be babied a lot when we are hanging out.

john_g,

I stole the following from another thread (it's your comment)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I myself have been trying to convince my wife I have to quit my evening job (where I see coworker) to get away from this situation. She refuses to let me do it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And in this thread you say she told you that you "aren't allowed" to quit over something like this (attentions from OW).

Have you been BRUTALLY HONEST with your wife about what a huge danger your M is in? Have you spelled it out for her? Have you made her look you in the eye while you tell her "OUR M IS IN GRAVE DANGER"?

I think she is ignoring this situation because it is so uncomfortable and she wants it to go away. Either that or she doesn't understand how serious this is. Why do you think she is ignoring it? Ask her why she's ignoring it and see what she says.

This extra job isn't something that she "allows" you to do or not. This is something you guys need to POJA. During the brainstorming, your list could include options like this:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Continue extra job and have an A</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get a different extra job</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Refinance some things and quit extra job</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sell some things and quit extra job</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Tell your W that you are BEGGING for her help and support and understanding, that you are in grave danger and something MUST be done NOW. Tell her you have tried rebuking OW, avoiding OW, and it is not working. Tell your W you need stronger measures in place. Add your own ideas to the list and ask her for other ideas to add to the list.

Turtle,

I've talked to her more today. She is incredibly angry that my problem with this coworker is going to screw up our finances. (It wouldn't really screw up our finances, it would delay some purchases for the house and cut down our lifestyle a little.)

It's crazy because we discussed this topic before any of this was an issue. She's known for awhile I don't want to work in the evenings anymore.

I'm starting to feel like she only cares about me for my money. I was practically crying last night on the phone telling her how lonely I am and that I want to be home more. She just kept saying that I had to keep working there. She would do whatever is necessary at home as long as I don't quit.

I see my wife 15 minutes a day during the week. Why doesn't she care that we never see each other? And the problem with the coworker is absolutely inexcusable in her eyes. She doesn't think she has one bit of fault in it.

I know the blame is on me for what happened, but since I admitted everything to her and admitted my weakness... I hoped she would see some seed of good in me.

We're arguing a lot.

Thanks for your advice, Turtle. I'll try to come to some agreement with her on the topic.

Regards,

Jg

John, you didn't respond to my suggestion of MC. How long have you and your W been together and married? Sounds like your W may be using avoidance and denial to avoid some huge problems. Don't go elsewhere to fill your needs, but you need to be honest with your W. As I said before, if you two can't figure these issues out on your own, then get help. Most of us have to at one time or another. CV

Cv,

You've got a point there. I hadn't seriously considered it. But it would probably be a big help.

I'll check around in the yellow pages.

Thanks for the tip,

Jg

It sounds like her need for Financial Security and your need for Admiration are at odds right now. That is a VERY difficult place for a M to be.

CV's advice is good - an impartial third party could help you resolve this immediate crisis *and* shed light on other issues (such as denial, conflict avoidance, need to be admired by many women).

Make sure you find a MC that is specifically PRO marriage. Yes, many exist that are not. I've been to two MCs in my life and neither was pro M, sad to say.

In the meantime, whatever you do, DON'T let this OW get a hold on you. I know you're frustrated, angry, lonely. Believe me that "just a little" time and attention from her can throw you into the pits of hell so fast your head will spin. It would be a LOT better to D your W instead.

Keep us posted.

oops

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Maybe you are still feeling the insecurity from high school. Remember those days are gone. A beautiful woman fell in love with you and married you. That has got to tell you that you are not the same guy you were in high school. Also remember to respect your wife. In order for you to see if other women are looking at you, you have to make the effort to look at them. How would your wife feel if she caught her husband looking at others? You may be doing it to see if your attractive but why should you care about how others look at you? Your wife is beautiful, worry when she doesn't.

John, just some questions for you to mull over.

Did your mother give you alot of admiration?
Do you expect admiration for things you do?
Do you feel this is one of your strongest needs?

My husband was really like that. I would tell him
he should get paid more for his expertise and to him that wasn't a compliment because it wasn't said the way he wanted me to say it. So listen well.