I had written my wife a letter last week. Can see on post Lost Chance? from yesterday. (How can I insert post as a link?) Anyway I asked my wife if we could sit down and talk a little tonite. She said yes nervously and continued talking. I am looking forward to talking but am also a little nervous. I don't think my wife is ready to fully open up and I don't know what to expect or even how to start. I need a plan. I think I will start out by asking if she could tell me how she feels about my letter. Does she agree with it. Does she think it is possible to do the things I say. If nothing else I would like this conversation to be a start to more open conversation. What does anyone think. How did you get your WS to talk to you.

Any comments welcome!!

If anyone has any comments I will check back later. Thanks!!

I don't think my wife is ready to fully open up and I don't know what to expect or even how to start. I need a plan. I think I will start out by asking if she could tell me how she feels about my letter.

Know what.... I might be wrong, but I think your wife may be expecting EXACTLY this type of discussion from you...

Don't do it!

Surprise her instead...

Inquire as to her well-being...

Get her talking about herself... not the relationship...

I think you should fill some ENs and make Love Bank deposits.... before you try to get her to commit to any plan... she's still not sure about you.


Pep

Pep,
I think you're right about her not being sure about me yet. I also believe she is very unsure about us. I just feel the longer it goes the harder it is for us to talk at all. I do ask how she is doing. But what do you mean about her well-being. If she needs someone to talk to about her feelings of the affair?? I'm not sure I understand.

Show concern for her as an individual, not just as your wife.

If she has interests or hobbies... ask specific questions about those activities. ... something that cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Ask about her health... is she has particular issues, say for instance she's had back pain in the past... ask if she's doing OK in that area.

Look at her closely... if she's done something new with her hair, make up or clothes... comment on that ... bringing up the particulars of what you noticed and why it looks good. (That blue brings out your eyes.)

Ask her if she's working out... because she looks so fit. (don't lie if it's not true)

Ask her if she's read any great books recently that she'd recommend for you to read.

Since I don't know anything about your wife, I can only give you general areas you may try to show concern for her well-being... how she is doing...

If you have a favorite relative of hers, inquire as to that person's health ...and what not.

And ask this: "Is there anything I can do for you today?"

Pep

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

staggered...how are you doing? how did the conversation go?

awed

Awed- Thanks for your concern and interest. The talk didn't quite go but it is ok. Let me explain. I put the girls to bed and came down to my wife. She said that she couldn't talk because of problems with work. She had quit her job because she was offered a new one which we both agreed would be much less stressful. However she was then offered a job with a customer of her current job. This job would pay more and be more interesting to her. She was worried about the stress level but worked it out so she didn't have to do overtime. However there was a customer clause in her contract saying she couldn't work for a customer for 12 months after quiting. But this was then voided due to legal reasons. Anyway the day of our "talk" her boss showed up and met her on her way home. She asked my wife if she would take job with customer wife said she wasn't quite sure and she wasn't. But the guy who offered the job then called wifes boss and said she was taking job. So wifes boss called wife and left message that she was angry and for her to call her in morning. My wife was very upset about situation and said couldn't talk about us. I said ok and asked her to talk about work situation. She did and we had a good conversation about it. I felt this was fine. We also had small talk about tv show she had just watched. I have come to the realization she will talk to me about us when she feels ready and I am not going to push her. I think I will ask her if she would like to go out for drinks this weekend to celebrate her new job and just have some fun. I am going to tell her I will not bring up any relationship talk and when she is ready for this I will be there for her. Hope you can follow what I write. I look forward to your reply Awed and of course any others-it is just good to talk.

leaving in about 10 min. if anyone has any comments.

logging out will check back later

Hi staggered!

sorry I missed you this morning...but I am so glad to hear your update!!!

that is excellent...you took wise Pep's words to heart...

talking about your W and her day and her concerns...now you are on the right path! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

listen, I know ALL about wanting to talk about the M...in fact, BURSTING to do so...

but if you can be her friend instead...now that will make love bank deposits...

I had written a lengthy reply to you before but never got back to post it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ...anyhow, I'll boil it down because you seem to be on the right track...

so here's one more piece of advice: whenever you feel like writing, do so...just don't give it to WS...it is counterproductive (almost ALWAYS) to do so...

but hang on to it...it is an excellent way for you to track your own progress...and perhaps down the line your WS will want to read it and learn from it...after all, they really don't understand what you are going through...the A really is all about them...

and most importantly: writing helps you to get out the strong emotions inside of you...

oh okay, one more observation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> : if you want to write a love letter to WS, do so and then read it yourself...use it as motivation to put every fibre of your being into loving your W...

loving actions rather than words/I]...loving [I]actions like talking about HER day rather than talking about what you want to talk about (ie. the A, the M, etc.)...

keep up the excellent work...you are doing fine... time, love, patience ...awed

P.S. You'll likely need to remind yourself of this over and over again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have come to the realization she will talk to me about us when she feels ready and I am not going to push her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are absolutely doing the right thing by not pushing her...although you need to always be honest about how you are feeling...do you get the difference?

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

okay staggered...I went back and read all of your other posts so I could get a sense of where you are at...

you've been at this for a while huh? let me ask you some questions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The other night I told her we needed to talk about what went wrong in our relationship so we could try to stop dwelling on past bad emotions and feelings so we could start to work on building a better relationship that would make us both happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you want to have this discussion with her because you are not sure what she needs? is this what you want to clarify with her, so that you can do a better job meeting her needs?

there is seldom a "we" early on...it is about YOU...you can work on building a better relationship that will make you both happy...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do honestly believe the A has ended but I need her to open up to me and recommit to us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this takes a while bud...be patient...if you keep meeting her needs (and it seems to me that conversation is a big one for her) and providing a SAFE listening environment for her, then she will open up to you...

opening up to you is what leads to recommitment...but that can only happen given time...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not sure how long I can keep this up with nothing in return. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's hard, I know...you keep it up as long as you can, then you go to Plan B...

keeping a positive perspective is important...like I already wrote about the love letter...as long as you can keep on telling yourself that you are CHOOSING to do this (ie. no one is forcing you to keep on loving someone who has committed adultery), then I've found it helps your motivation immensely...

otherwise, your taker starts to scream at you which will inevitably lead to LBing...if you are LBing, you are harming your M...

listen: I'm going to suggest a couple of avenues for you...

1. talk to other guys who've been through this...one suggestion is Titleist...he's patiently wooed back his W...real perseverance he's shown too...and a huge change in his own attitude...

here's another thread with some terrific advice from H's wooing back their wives (specifically Chorus and d_rose) advice from Hs

2. head over here honesty and do the honesty assignment (about the 4th post down)...

more than anything else, you need to learn to express yourself honestly to your WS, without expectation (demand), without anger, without punishment...

this will build intimacy between you...otherwise, you'll feel like you are merely suppressing your feelings and "getting nothing in return"...

3. use this time...schedule your time...work on your thesis...I suspect you've done this before -- had to work when you didn't feel like it at all!

make the time periods short to start with (15 minutes, twice a day?)...don't worry about the output either...it will improve as your ability to focus and concentrate outside the A-drama improves...

I've done this staggered...it works...a little bit at a time, you can pull yourself out of the drama and back into a real life...

this is QUITE independent of what your W is or is not doing...she will have her own major issues to sort through as a WS...

okay??? is this enough to get you back on track? out of the dark hole of despair??? just kidding but I'd hate to see you waste the gift of time...

you need to be patient both with your W and with the pace of M recovery...it takes time...

however, this is no reason not to focus on yourself and your thesis, as well as your kids and your home (which I know you are already doing)...

let me know if you have questions/comments...I'll check in again...awed

P.S. what's your graduate field? I'm starting in conflict resolution in 2 weeks...looking forward to it even though it is a huge expense in both time and money...

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Thanks for the reply. I've just put my girls to bed. I'll answer some of your questions. First I am trying to get a better feel of what needs my wife would want me to meet but also of course I was trying to get her to open up and recommit to us. I am trying to be patient but it can be very hard sometimes even though I am normally very patient. I know conversation is one of her big needs and I do try to fill this need as much as I can. I also do a lot of things around the house so she isn't stressed out. Of course it is hard to really keep the flow of conservation when it seems to be so one sided. She never asks about me which I guess I don't expect right now. But I will look at some of the posts you suggested. By the way my field is international business and finance. Thanks again for your input.