Some of you know my story. Even after a amazing weekend together my WH came home 2 hours late last night. He stayed at work to phone OW. When he came home I didn't say anything I just sat on the couch reading my book. Then about a hour later I asked him why he told me he was leaving work at 5 and didn't. He said he was sorry.

I didn't get upset. I didn't cry. I didn't raise my voice like I would normally do. I just asked him if he realized that calling her and and being there for her needs when she is having a problem hurts me because he is putting her overtop of me and how much it hurts me with what he is doing. I said you say it's not about her but don't you see. He said I was right and he was sorry.

I then told him I have been doing some thinking and that if I truly don't make him happy and if leaving would make him happy that this weekend he should leave. I told him I would deal with whatever he decides to do. He said where am I suppose to go. I said you will figure something out. Then he asked about his son which is my stepson. I told him he could live with me until he figured out something. I told him right now it's not healthy for me being 3 months pregnant to be going through this. And that is why I can't continue to accept his relationship with this OW. I don't want to share him emotionally with anyone.

I told him I did love him. I asked what he wanted if he wanted to go. Then he looked at me and said if that's what I want him to do. What is this suppose to mean? All this time he has been saying he wants to leave that he doesn't think that he wants to try and stuff then when I am truly ready to accept things he said that. Anyone have any ideas of what to think about that.

I went to bed and he came to bed later and cuddled all night with me. And when I woke up he was holding my hand. I don't want to push him out the door but I cannot continue to accept him calling her. He is helping her with her college essays, problems, and whatever else. I think he feels he owes her this for lying to her about being married. He feels he cannot just end it and never talk to her again because that is cruel. And he doesn't want to seem like he doesn't care. What does he think all this does to me? should I insist he move out or should I just see if he will finally do NC with me not talking about it and working on myself. I think me acting like I don't care sometimes affects him more than anything. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

SML,
The one thing I see is that his A will not last. This one will end. He is already very conflicted and just by showing you care and compassion I can see that he has feelings for you. I don't get the sense that he is indifferent about you. He cares and I am sure deep down loves you. So don't give up hope. Letting him know he can leave if he wants is risky, but it sounds like a good move. The fact that he is wavering and not jumping at the chance to leave is good.

Contact is the one thing that will continue the A and it seems to be a major struggle for him. She needs him or at least he thinks that. You are right not to condone it and let him know that it does hurt you. Try not to make it an LB. At some point he will see that this is fruitless and going nowhere. The light of day is the way the A is broken. Now that you know, he will have to work harder to conceal his actions. Guilt will grow. Again I say don't LB. If you find yourself doing it, stop. Find a way to leave the room or just be quiet.

Should you separate? It seems that you are early in this and I think most would suggest plan A type of activity. Focus on your changes and become stronger. I know the P compounds your struggle. Somehow, you have to show him you accept him and love him, but you don't accept what he is doing a hate the contact. So separation does not give you the chance to show him how much you love him and want to save the M.

When he asked you what you want him to do, you could say stop contact and see what happens. That way there is no pressure for him to fix the M now. The first step to recovery for him is stopping contact. Once the fog lifts, he will return to you. You can work on recovery later after he goes through the separation steps. This could take 6 months which seems to be the norm.

You need to endure until that time. You got alot of good advice in other replies. Go back and read them. Keep coming to the site and read and post. There are alot of caring people here who will help you through this time.

Christ's Love
Roman121

SML,
The one thing I see is that his A will not last. This one will end. He is already very conflicted and just by showing you care and compassion I can see that he has feelings for you. I don't get the sense that he is indifferent about you. He cares and I am sure deep down loves you. So don't give up hope. Letting him know he can leave if he wants is risky, but it sounds like a good move. The fact that he is wavering and not jumping at the chance to leave is good.

Contact is the one thing that will continue the A and it seems to be a major struggle for him. She needs him or at least he thinks that. You are right not to condone it and let him know that it does hurt you. Try not to make it an LB. At some point he will see that this is fruitless and going nowhere. The light of day is the way the A is broken. Now that you know, he will have to work harder to conceal his actions. Guilt will grow. Again I say don't LB. If you find yourself doing it, stop. Find a way to leave the room or just be quiet.

Should you separate? It seems that you are early in this and I think most would suggest plan A type of activity. Focus on your changes and become stronger. I know the P compounds your struggle. Somehow, you have to show him you accept him and love him, but you don't accept what he is doing a hate the contact. So separation does not give you the chance to show him how much you love him and want to save the M.

When he asked you what you want him to do, you could say stop contact and see what happens. That way there is no pressure for him to fix the M now. The first step to recovery for him is stopping contact. Once the fog lifts, he will return to you. You can work on recovery later after he goes through the separation steps. This could take 6 months which seems to be the norm.

You need to endure until that time. You got alot of good advice in other replies. Go back and read them. Keep coming to the site and read and post. There are alot of caring people here who will help you through this time.

Christ's Love
Roman121

Thank you Roman121. I appreciate everyones advice. I have taken what has been said to me and tried to work on myself. I did realize things I was doing and saying only pushed him away further. And thought would I want to be with someone like me. Nagging, snooping, moody, etc. It forced me to look at myself and realize if I didn't change things about myself the OW was only going to look more appealing to him.

Just working on not blowing up about every little thing and trying to listen more has brough out many changes in him over the weekend. I know if he would just break contact we could be on our way to recovery but he seems to be holding on.

I know deep down he loves me. He is a good guy and the person he is right now is not the man that I love or loved me at one point. I just hope the man I fell in love with comes back soon.

I feel for you...

I empathize with you as my WH first affair was when my middle D was 3 months old. It is very trying. I was much stronger then and asked him to leave immediately. He said if that is what you want and I said yes. He wanted me to share his guilt. He wanted to have something real to blame on me. He got an apt but never moved.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. Same scenario but after 20 years of marriage I did not have the strength nor could I burden the blame. It was difficult. My 3 kids much older now begging me to give him a chance.

As you can tell by my bio, I am not fairing as well this time. Only you know. Only you have to live with your decission. My WH treats me better than ever but he is still calling the OW for much of the same reasons you cited but mostly for guilt of what he did to her life or so he says.

Best of luck with the baby. I do feel optomistic for you. I doubt his A will last. He has too much to loose including you. The question is what do you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SML,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him I did love him. I asked what he wanted if he wanted to go. Then he looked at me and said if that's what I want him to do. What is this suppose to mean?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That means he's not ready to give up OW and he wants YOU to kick him out so he can say he tried, but you kicked him out. He is wanting it to be your fault so he doesn't have to feel so guilty about all of this.

How long have you been in Plan A, and have you done a good one?

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

About 2 weeks. I did realize everytime I found out he contacted her I blew up and said things I regretted and I'm sure pushed him away more. Eversince last week I have really focused on Plan A and working on LB's. I have noticed good changes in him since last week. I guess I was hoping he would realize this weekend what he would be giving up. He said he had a wonderful time and I said see we aren't so bad together.. Huh? And he said no..

I guess I feel like if he stays maybe he is just settling or staying for the kids. Then I read the book by Shirly Glass. She said even staying just for the kids at first is a place to start. And if you work on things you will see that it's more than the kids you are staying for. I just get impatient. I know that is another things I really need to work on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong>Then about a hour later I asked him why he told me he was leaving work at 5 and didn't.

I just asked him if he realized that calling her and and being there for her needs when she is having a problem hurts me because he is putting her overtop of me and how much it hurts me with what he is doing.

I said you say it's not about her but don't you see.

I then told him I have been doing some thinking and that if I truly don't make him happy and if leaving would make him happy that this weekend he should leave.

I told him I would deal with whatever he decides to do.

I said you will figure something out. Then he asked about his son which is my stepson.

I told him he could live with me until he figured out something.

I told him right now it's not healthy for me being 3 months pregnant to be going through this.

I told him I did love him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, re read what you just said.

I this, I that. I, I, I.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I don't want to push him out the door but I cannot continue to accept him calling her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess what?

That's exactly what you're doing!

STOP IT!!!!

OF COURSE what he's doing is WRONG!!!!!

You are RIGHT!!!!

(here it comes, oldtimers)

DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED?????????

Huh???

Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!!!!!

You had a good weekend and then you allowed him to say, ".....guess I was right. OW is the one for me!!!"

I'm sorry to make you feel bad, but you HAVE to get with the game plan!!!

Be strong, not whiney. Be confident, not doubting, be hopeful, not delivering ultimatums! Glow, don't sulk!

OK???

You can do it!

I hope you will do Plan A for a little while. Also glad to see you posting with durham and loy. I think being pregnant, you need extra support.

After you've done Plan A for awhile, if there are no changes, time for Plan B.

Have you been trying to meet his needs all these months since you discovered the affair? How has your relationship been? The reason I question this, is I just don't get the feeling that this is happening because of unmet needs in the marriate. Am I wrong about this?

I just think you are closer to Plan B at this point since your H is simply having his cake and eating it too. Up until now, he has really had no motivation to end the affair and is just enjoying all the attention he is getting.

I think his big emotional need is communication. I have thought about the last year and he has pretty much shut me out. He goes to work, comes home eats, and plays this online game with people called diablo. He does not talk about much to me although he feels he does.

I think because he is getting his Emotional needs feeled by this OW that he doesn't need me to talk to. I have noticed some changes in the last 2 weeks he has not played online everynight. He just plays for a little bit on the weekend. He stays with me and watches tv and draws. One of the reasons we have grown apart is that we have no life together as a couple. We don't go anywhere only maybe every 2 months or so. So I have been thinking about things we could do together.

This weekend I made a suggestion to my husband he seems interested in doing it. I said every friday night we take turns and plan something. We could learn something new together. I suggested that since he loves to draw maybe he could teach me a few things. I was thinking on one of my nights I could do a asian theme. Throw a bunch of pillows on the floor, order chinese food, and watch a martial arts film that he enjoys. Also I was looking into the local college about some courses they have. Like cooking, writing, etc. That maybe we would enjoy together. Also he suggested that we go to a dance class. Not sure how well I can do that pregnant but we will see.

I am hoping these things bring us close together as a couple and make him realize that marriage doesn't have to boring. I really am hoping he will finally tell her goodbye. He has done this several times but caved in. She emails him for help with a assignment or something. And of course he has to help. I am going to give it 2 months with me doing a good plan A and see what happens. I have not done a good job since finding out so I don't want to go right to plan B till I feel that there is no other choice for me. I know when that time comes it will be hard but I feel right at this moment I can do it.

SML,

I think you are doing good in Plan A and I see some very positive signs in your husband showing interest in doing stuff with you like dance classes etc. If he didn't want to be with/around you, then he probably wouldn't even bring those things up.

You are on the right track!

Kati

Thanks Kati. I am trying I really love him and need him so much right now. I know he made a mistake but maybe we can learn something from it and make this marriage better.

I am very happy right now because I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time today. I was starting to think well maybe I'm not pregnant maybe something happened. Now I can rest a bit. Plus I didn't gain any weight I actually lost a pound... Course I did that with my first son the whole pregnancy even though I was eating. I only gained 8 pounds with him and lost 17 afterwards. Hope I'm that lucky again.

Sad, I encourage you to not use the baby as the reason to not tolerate the A.

You said, "I told him right now it's not healthy for me being 3 months pregnant to be going through this. And that is why I can't continue to accept his relationship with this OW."

The reason why you can't accept his relationship is not because you are pregnant.

Also, don't put too much focus on being pregnant. Take care of the baby, but don't draw additional attention to it. We are such amazing walking symbols of guilt and responsibility that I think WH are tempted to hide. Use your conversations to build your relationship with WH, show your interest, care, and support for him.

Make him ask about the baby. It'll help him become more invested in the pregnancy. At least, that's my experience.

Well I think I might have LB. If your in Plan A but WS is still in contact with the OW is it ok to still request he stop? For the last 2 nights I have called my husbands work and he is there way longer than he should be. Both nights he puts me on hold and says wait a second. I sit there for over five minutes and hang up. I try the other line and it's busy... Finally he calls me back and says he was on the phone with his cousin.. Which I knew was a lie because I just got off the phone with his cousin. I told him so and he just sit there. Same thing happened tonight.

I try my best not to say anything about the contact since he already knows by know how I feel about it. But it hurts. When we talked on the phone I told him I feel like there is so many unanswered questions that go through my head everyday that doesn't get answered. He said tell me one. I said well .. One is when is the contact going to end with her. He answered me and said very soon. I said don't just say that unless your being honest and he said I am.

In every other way I am doing a really good plan A in my eyes. I do see some changes and he even wanted to be the first one to plan our at home date night tomorrow. He said he is going to teach me how to draw. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time and see what happens.