It's three months post d-day...so this is when I start feeling a little better, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hmmm, well, I guess I'm better in some ways...still worse in others...

I've traded in my vomiting and shakes and replaced them with emotional eating and headaches...not sure which is better.

I'm sleeping more...but I'm still plagued with several nightmares each week. Once in a while I wake from a dream with a sense of peace and then realize the theme of the dream...usually my peaceful death (no I am not suicidal) or occassionally a dream where I am a happy participant...but my H is no where around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Emotionally I'm still pretty much a mess. I spent the first couple of months convincing my H that I'm what he wants...I've spent the last month trying to convince myself of the same. Sometimes I just hate him so much for what he's done to me that I just want to walk away and never look back. I know that if it weren't for the kids I probably would have done that by now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I still cry a lot...oh, yes...I still cry a lot.

I've been reading a lot. Sometimes I think it's helping but other times I wonder...I really didn't think life was so bad before...now I think it really sucked...did it? I've realized that the 'content' life I was living wasn't enough and subconsiously I was holding back on meeting my H's top need (SF, of course) because my top needs weren't being met.

I've dedicated my life to my family...given them everything I am and everything I have...I now understand that, although I am completely drained from giving so much...much of what I was giving is not what my H needed/wanted...and although my H has given and given much of what he has given is not what I needed/wanted...it makes me wonder...will we ever be what the other is looking for?...or, I guess what I really mean is will I ever be what my H is looking for...as I know, as wrong as it may be...I will settle for what he gives...as long as it is in the best interest of my children...

As for my H...well, I don't know where he is right now...I mean, physically he's here...he's never left the family but emotionally, I'm not sure. He tells me that we will 'make it'...without a doubt in his mind. He says, 'We're stubborn. We're not quitters. It's all his fault'...somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

My H is in IC and he says he thinks it will help him. I hope that it helps ease the pain he's suffering through...right now he's working on his childhood issues...not any talk yet about our M...I wonder if when he's 'done' he'll realize that we aren't meant to be together at all. I wonder if he'll realize that I'm just not the type of woman that he wants to be with...afterall, if he weren't searching for something else he wouldn't have had an A, right?

For me...well, I have to admit that I'm in a pretty good stage of depression right now. The crying, the nightmares, the headaches...they're taking their toll on me. I say the shakes are gone but I find them returning once in a while and that bothers me. I lose my patience much easier than I used to and I'm finding that the littlest things sometimes rattle me to the point of tears <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I received a call from the phone company yesterday trying to sell me a new service...no, no thank you, no, no thank you, I'm not interested thank you...but the guy kept on talking until I finally slammed the phone down and started screaming at it for not listening to me...why doesn't anyone listen to me? Leave me alone. I was screaming at the phone like a crazy person... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

On that note, I have scheduled myself for some IC. I have tried to avoid it for a couple of reasons...but there's just really no other choice right now. I'm a little afraid of what might come out of this...never been in counseling so perhaps part of it is the fear of the unknown...but what I'm doing now isn't working so it's time to try something new.

So....at three months...if I trust my H's words (stopped snooping...head in the sand, I guess) he's 'in love with me' (of course, I no longer feel as if I have a handle on the term 'love'), we'll make it, all will be okay eventually...well, at least the sun is shining...I guess for 3 months post d-day we're doing okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks for letting me share my story.

I would definitely recommend IC. You need to pick yourself up and get strong. Do not rely on your husband. You do not need him to make you happy. Find inner strength. You can do this and it will get better. I have been in plan B and am 6 months pregnant. I am amazed at the strength I have. Everyday it is very rewarding to not depend on anyone for my own happiness.

Have you looked into Anti-D? I am on a small dose of Zoloft. It takes about two weeks to kick in but helps a great deal. It does not take everything away but does keep you from the peaks of high and low.
Hang in there!

Hi LF.

I'm glad you posted. I posted earlier looking for you and your update.

You are at three months! The first three months are the worst. Now...some of that real bad anxiety should start to go away, especially if you start IC and your H remains commited to IC and recovery. IC will really, really help you. Just having someone you can talk to, that's objective, is a big, big help! You may need AD's to help with the crazy feelings. I probably should have been on them too...I was a lunatic...but, ya know, I'm just too tough for that!! Dumb on my part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H is in IC and he says he thinks it will help him. I hope that it helps ease the pain he's suffering through...right now he's working on his childhood issues...not any talk yet about our M...I wonder if when he's 'done' he'll realize that we aren't meant to be together at all. I wonder if he'll realize that I'm just not the type of woman that he wants to be with...afterall, if he weren't searching for something else he wouldn't have had an A, right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is interesting. I thought the same thing. I wondered when my H went to IC if he would suddenly feel/think that his XW is really the one for him. Or, would it be the last OW? I'll have to say, it did stress me out. But that's not the case at all and I doubt this will happen to your H. When you think about it, your H was attracted to you for qualities that you have...beauty that he sees, feelings that he feels... The A and OW have nothing to do with you, but most likely something to do with his childhood issues.

You'll still feel crazy at times, you will still cry for a while yet because you are still going through the process of healing. But, it will start to get better.

My H shocked me yesterday. Completely shocked me. He came home from his 4 mile walk earlier than usual yesterday morning and said "I was thinking about you on my walk and I thought about the fact that you have seen something in me that know one else has seen. You know me better than anyone in my life has known me. You believe in me. You stayed right by my side while I started working on my issues even though you were hurting so bad. Thank you for giving me another chance. I love you sss."

I see that happening for you. I think your H will be very thankful that you stuck by his side and supported him while working on his issues.

Take care LF!

sss

Thanks durham76 - you know, it's funny but as I've been reading and learning more and more about myself I realize that I don't rely on my H to make me happy...well, I do but not because I expect him to do for me...my happiness comes from the ability to make others happy. If my kids are happy...I'm happy...if my friends are happy...I'm happy...If my H is happy...I'm happy...my happiness is gone, not because my H didn't make me happy, but because I didn't make him happy...I have received the greatest punishment for this...irrational, I know but still how I feel. I feel like such a failure...I feel like the scarlet letter is on my chest for the whole world to see...a letter that may eventually be hidden but that will always be there...welcome to the club, I guess. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have not looked into AD. I'm sure that it will be something that comes up in IC but, honestly, I'd rather not take them.

SSS - ahh, once again...thank you for thinking of me. I'm sorry that I didn't see your previous post or I would have responded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is interesting. I thought the same thing. I wondered when my H went to IC if he would suddenly feel/think that his XW is really the one for him. Or, would it be the last OW? I'll have to say, it did stress me out. But that's not the case at all and I doubt this will happen to your H. When you think about it, your H was attracted to you for qualities that you have...beauty that he sees, feelings that he feels... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I'm not even sure if I'm stressed about it. I guess perhaps that's because I'm just feelin so numb lately. When my H and I started dating we were in our last semester of college. He's brilliant (which I didn't know) and I was doing an internship and only a few classes that were graded on papers only (no tests)...which means that neither of us did much schooling...we had fun...went out 6 nights a week and just had fun...played all day...played all night. He's always said that what attracted him to me was that I was a b!tch...I didn't put up with any cr@p, lived life to it's fullest, and was assertive and secure (all a facade but I did my best to live how I wanted to be...not how I felt inside). I'm not that person anymore...I'm a homebody focused on my children. I'm tired of 'fighting' the world so I walk away from the 'cr@p' I wouldn't have put up with in my younger days. I'm assertive when it comes to my children but otherwise, I'm just too tired to take on the world. Secure? Well, when you're a stay at home mom with no income, no identity, no world outside of the kids it's hard to be secure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

OW liked to party...she called herself his 'beer buddy'. She gets high regularly (which he said he did not do with her?)...my feeling is that she's 44 years old and has 2 kids so she should grow up but he had fun with her so...They talked a lot about nothing and everything, he told me...we used to do that...now...well, he told her that I talk 'nonsense'...that perhaps what I was saying was important to me but it was just nonsense to him and he wasn't interested...and when it came to SF...well, he said it wasn't very good but he kept going back for more so I guess it wasn't that bad, huh?

I'm pretty sure my H has no interest in OW at this point. I think he's able to see her true colors now so I'm not worried that he'll return to her but I do know that her 'girls just want to have fun' attitude is something he wishes I had more of...I have three small children, 2 dogs, and a huge house to take care of...I'm tired...I don't want to be a 'beer buddy', I don't want to get high (I've never done drugs), and I guess I've been 'beaten up' so much in our fights about SF over the years that I don't feel very secure there either. I just don't think I have the qualities he wants in a partner/lover/companion...if he's looking for a mother for his children and a housekeeper I'm it but otherwise...? Guess that's why I'm starting IC, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The A and OW have nothing to do with you, but most likely something to do with his childhood issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't see the connection between the two...other than that he shared with her all of his issues...that he didn't share with me...he didn't want my pity...hmmm, have I ever pitied him? And so if he just wanted someone to talk to why did he sleep with her? I just don't see the connection...and even if I could...it just doesn't justify an A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think your H will be very thankful that you stuck by his side and supported him while working on his issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thankful, yes...I can see that but...I don't know...sigh...

I guess his words still sting...stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...ha...who came up with that 'brilliant' statement?

Thanks for listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />