Here it is...my Plan B letter! I feel like I have said things twice in here, but I have looked at it so much my eyes are like this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


Dearest WH,
It is with the greatest pain and tearful eyes that I sit here and write this letter to you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. I never dreamed this it would be this way. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those mistakes in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I neglected your needs and failed to give you the praise that you deserved and needed so many times. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. I failed to recognize the needs that you so badly needed. I didn’t support you in your business decisions the way I should have and I wasn’t there for you as a good wife and lover as I should have been. For that, I truly regret and am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that made you vulnerable to the Affair.

I also could not see through my own confusion on why I was so angry. I now clearly see those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I was too focused on taking care of the kids and not focused enough on taking care of our marriage. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my wonderful husband, is and will be my number one priority. You will always come first. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud of to call your wife. The same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.

Since March 2, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. I cannot do this while your affair continues and you and OW are still together. These past few months have been the most difficult of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I am afraid that my stamina for this is waning. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while the affair with OW continues.

I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my love for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I feel my love for you slipping away. Therefore in order to protect my feelings and my love for you I can no longer see you under the current conditions. When you are willing to end contact with OW permanently and are willing to enact the measures necessary to ensure that, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to build a life together that is built on meeting each others emotional needs and to avoid the things that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I love you WH, more than you will ever know. I know I have hurt you in the past and I never want to make you feel that way again.

WH, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with OW. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage..together...when you completely end your relationship with OW.

Until that point, I feel I must severe all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I continue to stay at our home and take care of the children and the upkeep of the home. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. The children need their Father, but I will not tolerate any contact with OW and them. The boy’s are very confused, but I have to be strong for them and for myself. Summer is coming and we will do some fun things to get our minds of off the daily torture we endure.

I will leave any mail in the mailbox on a designated day. I ask that you not stop by the house to see me or the kids when you pick up the mail. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend. If you have any urgent matter, you can email me, text message me or call friend. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way.

You must know the torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and her are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation and a plan to commit to the marriage. Until that time, I will continue to pray that I will someday see my H walk thru the doors of the home that was once filled with so much laughter and happy times. I know we CAN have a great marriage and life together! I have loved you and stuck by you through thick and thin...as a girlfriend, wife, mother, confidant, friend, and as a soulmate. I still love you today, I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with OW. It pains me too much! I will always love you! You complete me,
Your Wife,
me


I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen

Mom,
I would remove the "allowed the affair to happen" phrase that you used. You both contributed to the condition of the marriage, but I seriously doubt that you "allowed" him to participate in an affair. Take that blame off yourself and don't give him that satisfaction.

I have no experience in Plan b so don't want to give bad advice, but the letter seems very good to me.

He is still in the affair and as long as he continues, you cannot repair the marriage alone.

You have made it clear that you take responsibility for your own problems in the marriage and are willing to fight to save your marriage as a couple.

He has been fence sitting for a long time and I think that it is most certainly time to go ahead and take this step. He must decide what he is going to do and he needed a nudge from you.

The OW is a fantasy, real life is going to take over and he will see what life without his family would be like. This was the only way to light a fire under him and you need to do it.

Please take good care of yourself and keep us posted. I will pray for you and the boys, Ladysing

Mom,

I'd make the part about your boys not being around OW stronger and clearer. It's kind of buried in a paragraph right now.

I'd also delete the part about summer coming and doing fun things, because it seems extraneous. If it's there to make a point, maybe give it its own paragraph and expound.

Other than that, it seems to be a lovely Plan B letter - very clear that you love your H and want to rebuild, and that you are only doing this to protect your love for him. Very nice.

It’s pretty good but a bit long.
You jump around in the paragraphs and you repeat too much.
You tell him you will not see him 9 times!
In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact.
I cannot continue to see or talk with you while the affair with OW continues.
Therefore in order to protect my feelings and my love for you I can no longer see you
Until that point, I feel I must severe all contact with you.
I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way.
I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times.
I ask that you not stop by the house to see me or the kids when you pick up the mail.
I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer,
I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with OW

I suggest you shorten it a bit. Keep the paragraphs specific to one topic.

1 – I love you.
2 – I made mistakes in the marriage. I apologize and I am working on these issues.
3 – Your affair hurts me. I will not have contact with you until you end your affair. This is not to hurt you but protect my love for you.
4 –Contact will be through “friend”. I will not keep the kids for you at all. Give a visitation schedule.
5 – I know we can rebuild everything better than before.
6 – I love you.

I'd make the part about your boys not being around OW stronger and clearer. It's kind of buried in a paragraph right now.
Yes, however, this is not a "demand" letter.
Make it a request. Something like, "Your decision to be with the ow is yours but I ask that she not be involved with the children in any way. They did not ask to be in this situation and we need to protect them as best as we can."

Hey, Mom,

I think you have some great advice here. Take Chris's guideline and cut and paste your best paragraph that explains each point. Then you'll have a concise, loving, simple Plan B letter.

Post the edit.

~ Snow

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

What happened to the site <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, I didn't get to see any responses, so I had to go with this last version of my revised letter. He read it in the driveway and sat there for at least 20 minutes pondering it...or what to do...here is the revised letter. still long..

Dearest WH

It is with the greatest pain and tearful eyes that I sit here and write this letter to you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those mistakes in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I neglected your needs and failed to give you the praise that you deserved and needed so many times. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage. I failed to recognize the needs that you so badly needed. I didn’t support you in your business decisions the way I should have and I wasn’t there for you as a good wife and lover as I should have been.

I could not see through my own confusion as to why I was so angry. I can see clearly now those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I was too focused on taking care of the kids and not focused enough on taking care of our marriage. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my wonderful husband, is and will be my number one priority. You will always come first. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud of to call your wife. The same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband. I want us to build a life together that is built on meeting each others emotional needs and to avoid the things that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I love you WH, more than you will ever know. I know I have hurt you in the past and I never want to make you feel that way again.

Since March 2, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. I have tried to show you the changes I have been making in myself to make this marriage better. I cannot do this while your affair continues and you and OW are still together. Your affair hurts me. These past few months have been the most difficult of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I am afraid that my stamina for this is waning. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while the affair with OW continues.

As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with OW. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage..together...when you completely sever your relationship with OW.

I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I continue to stay at our home and take care of the children and the upkeep of the house. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children. The children need their father, but I will not tolerate any contact with OW and them. It is your choice to be with OW, not theirs. The boy’s are very confused. I have to be strong for them and for myself.

I will leave any mail in the mailbox on a designated day. I would also like any other communications between us to be handled through friend. Her number is (H)xxx-xxx-xxxx; ( C) xxx-xxx-xxxx. Her email address is xxxx. I will contact T, but as you know she has her own problems. If you have any urgent matter, you can email me, text message me or call friend. You can also call my mom and dad at any time as well.

I love you so much and you must know the torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I simply cannot stand by and watch you destroy the love we once shared any longer. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my love for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I love you, but I refuse to be a doormat any longer.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation and a plan to commit to the marriage. Until that time, I will continue to keep my faith that I will someday see my Husband again and watch him walk through the doors of the home that was once filled with so much love and laughter. I love you so much and I want nothing more than to rebuild our marriage. I know we CAN have a great marriage and life together! I have loved you and stuck by you through thick and thin...as a girlfriend, wife, mother, confidant, friend and as a soulmate. I still love you today, I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with OW. It pains me too much! I truly regret and am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that made you vulnerable to the Affair.

I will always love you!

Your Loving Wife,


MOM

Well, there you go mom. It is in his hands, now. You've established the parameters. Soon you will see how he reacts.

Now is the time for you to de-stress. The day-to-day struggle he was putting you through is now lessened. Give yourself this break and well-earned rest. Heck. Take the kids to McDonald's tonight.

I wish I wish I wish I could make this easy for you. I can't. But I know you will do well.

(And don't forget to keep working out! Gotta keep the dopamine levels up!).

~ Snow