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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002400

Basically here it is, I got an e-mail from the WW saying she was going to put 400 dollars in our account every 2 weeks for the kids.

It has me seeing red, green and any other color you can imagine.

See, I contacted several attorneys a few weeks ago and they all told me she will have to pay around $1400 a month plus bennies if we split. I told her what is was going to cost to chase her fantsy and then I get this.

I wrote back and said 400 isn;t even enough to pay the bills and wasn't acceptable. No reply was her reply.

So, here it is. I am sick of it. Its bad enough she abandoned us but now play starve out?

So I called one of the attorneys back and made an appointment. I don't see her changing, it has been 3 months that have gone from bad to worse to rock bottom and Mothers Day didn't change anything as bad as it was for her.

I really think I just want a divorce.

A fresh start.

I know it seems gutless becaue it is hard work to repair a marriage but I have given so friggin much already. I feel like I have given up my ego, self esteem, sense of right and wrong and a host of other things I shouldn't have to.

And the big question is...will I ever recover? And if I can't our marriage never can. I've put up with the millions of lies, the deceit, the abandonment of our children and I, and even though I love her, and even though I forgive her, I don't think that means I can live with her again.

I don't think I will ever be able to look at her again without this last 3 months tearing me up inside. The thing is, she was caught after only a week and she is this bad into it, willing to toss everything for one week (there was no EA, it went directly to PA)

So if anyone has anything to say that will keep me from this appointment tomorrow I'd be happy to listen. Otherwise It will be time to cut her loose and let her have her sickness.

I just need some damn peace of mind, affection, love, and companionship. The things I married her for, the things she gave me all these years. The thing she is handing out to a serial cheater right now.

BH

BH,

If I remember your last thread correctly, it seems that the A lasted much more than a week. That is all she admitted to if I recall. Now, if you are truely done you are truely done. You have every right to divorce here and move on.

If you still have some love and hope left,then perhaps there is another way. If your state allows it then a legal separation is the way to go. You are in plan B now, and the legal separation settles financial issues such as support, splitting assets if divorce occurs things of that sort.

So I would recommend you speak with your lawyer about that. It makes your plan B 'official' and protects you financially. Does that make sense?

I hope you have that avenue available to you. It seems to fit your current situation well.

I should also point out that until legal documents are put in place your WW does not have to pay a darned thing. So her offer was generous from that standpoint, if not from the one of supporting her children.

In any event I hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Actually, if a spouse was previously a major source of financial support for the family, and he or she ceases to provide financial support, it is considered abandonment of the children - which is NOT legal.

Before the temporary orders were in place, my husband was providing a significant amount of financial support. At one point, he decided to stop paying anything until the separation agreement was signed. As his lawyer told me, the lawyer knew, and I knew, that he couldn't do that - and the lawyer promptly informed my H of that fact, at which point he immediately began paying again.

BH, I sooooo know how you feel...

But put those feelings aside. You need to have patience.

Are you still in Plan B? I read your thread in Plan A/B and know you sent the letter, but there has still been contact. It's important to keep to whatever decisions you make. From your thread, I got the impression she thinks you are a pushover. Perhaps this is helping her maintain her fantasy.

I'm in a similar situation emotionaly. There are times when I think that I must be insane to want her back. True I have not been the ideal husband, but still I'm making every effort I can and see very little from her end. It's very discouraging, but remember, we are not trying to get back what we had before. We are going for something way way better and you should try to keep that in mind when things get rough.

follow this link and read the 4th post down It is the story of LOSTVA, and old timer who really toughed it out and won the battle. I find it really inspirational. I was here on MB when she was going through the tough stuff and I say that only to assure you that this wasn't any easier for her than it is for you, me, or anyone else here.

Take care and keep the faith.

dewt

Dewt,

The only contact we had was about the kids and mothers day.

I haven't contacted her or initiated anything, the Mothers day thing was just to clarify what to do and that was all by e-mail.

She called me a bunch of times and I let it go to VM. Didn't even listen to them.

I'll find out if Legal Seperation is possible or would even be desirable to me.

I love her still, that isn't the problem, the problem is I have lost all hope.

Her affair was less than 2 weeks old when I discovered it.

ILYBINILWY was about a week later.

BH

broken H -

I hope you don't give up just yet. I know the road is long and painful. But if you can hang in there a little longer, you may still save your marriage.

I have been through the same thing, for over a year now. But I still feel like I have hope.

I love her still, that isn't the problem, the problem is I have lost all hope.

Holy sh*t can I ever relate to that! I lost hope back in Febuary. (and did that ever lead to some bad decisions)

When hope is gone, look to faith...

And when that is gone, there is still love.

The thing is, sometimes these things need to run a certain course. And slowly, the wayward realizes the absurdity of what they have done.

The irony that I'm here trying to boost your resolve when I'm so close to giving up myself is pretty darn funny. See, I'm laughing so hard it's bringing tears to my eyes. Seriously, I don't know what to advise in regards to certain details you are facing... but if you can buckle down for the long haul... focus your sights on something way further down the road, it might make the intermediary ups and downs more tolerable...

Look inwards... see what you find there. Not in terms of what love you have for her, but what part did you play in allowing this to start in the first place. I dunno... again, I may be just rambling because I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness...

You and your W remind me so much of me and mine. Long talks that really made me feel like we were getting somewhere. I get the impression that both you and your W are intelligent, educated people. Often that can be an impediment as we get so wrapped up in communicating and properly expressing ourselves and intellectualizing the situation that we forget that there are a whole series of un-intellectual emotions at play. Feelings that don't respond to any amount of rationalization or intellectual exploration.

I guess what I'm getting at is... chill. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. But don't rely on your skills as a communicator to get through to her. It may boil down to being something stupid that she has to do and get through.

Meanwhile your job will be to keep the family together. Keep yourself together. Use this time to improve yourself in strategic ways.

Hope comes and hope goes, but if your commitment is strong enough, you can keep your head high even when you just want to roll over and die.

Sorry if this was kinda rambling. I like to try to present a cohesive thought and direction in my posts, but tonight, it just ain't happenin'.

dewt