I know plan B is about working on oneself and that it's not about the WS, but I'm curious; how does the WS react typically? My WW is moving out next week, and I think she is really looking forward to it.

Is it less effective, when it's the WS idea to move?

Is it more effective when they leave the matrimonial home?

Should I even be concerned about what my WW is going to go through?

I just want to hear from those that have been/are there so I know what to anticipate.

Hi Binder! The purpose of Plan B is twofold, to [hopefully] end the affair and to protect the BS from the pain of continued contact.

I haven't seen that it matters much in the long run if it is the WS' idea to move out. And it is ONLY effective when they leave the home. Plan B can't be done living together.

Often, the WS gets very angry initially when the BS ends contact and tries to convince them to continue contact. They rage, plead, berate to try and influence them to continue contact and will often test your resolve. Another popular trick, when they see you won't bend without some action on their part, is to promise to "start withdrawing" from the OP if you will just let them come back. This means they want to come back and continue the affair for awhile.

I saw your picture on the MB photo album, you and your boy are very handsome! Looks very brrrrr cold there to a Texan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I appreciate the feedback, I can't see her trying to get me to re-establish contact.....we'll see. She is gung-ho on dividing the property and getting on with life.

She acts contemptuous while I keep doing this Plan A stuff. Wants to provoke me it seems.

I gotta say plan B will be a bit of a relief. I will be very curious how she will adapt. I don't want to keep her from the kids, but I don't want her calling here whenever she pleases. I may get call blocking to prevent her from phoning with her home phone or cell and just have the kids call her every day. It'll be weird.

Thanks for the compliment, I thought I'd send down a seasonal photo for the board so my American freinds can see what they're missing.

Binder, I wouldn't expect her to try and establish a warm contact, but rather attempt to bully you into breaking your no contact. I would expect comments like "quit being so immature," "we should be friends for the kids sake," blah, blah, blah.

She will RESENT you taking control of your life and keeping her out. And I think it will probably be because you do meet some of her needs even though she won't admit that to herself. Your no contact will make her very uncomfortable and I may be wrong, but I look for her to lash out at you over it.

Hopefully, afer a while she will soften up, though, when her fantasy starts falling apart.

You aren't planning on letting her back in your house after Plan B, are you? Its always a good idea to keep them out of the house in Plan B so they don't get a security "fix" when they start feeling the insecurity of living sans family.

She's buying a house 1/2 a block away! The agreement we are putting in place will give her just over 50% custody. I get 3+ day weekends with the kids. She'll have her family "fix" sans me. It's a divorce without the paperwork in place.

I think being without the kids on weekends will get to her after a while especially if her also married boyfriend and her split. She probably only agreed to it because she wanted to service that relationship and he has weekends off. However, she did agree to it and the agreement is hard to break. I will be flexible in letting her see the kids, but I will not allow her to use me as a sitter as she has don for the past several months to accommodate her lifestyle.

I'll be setting down some fairly specific boundaries before we attempt a reconciliation. I think that's putting the cart before the horse though. One day at a time.

Binder - ditto Mel.

Plan B can be VERY effective - at insulating you from the alien.

Whether or not it promotes an end to the affair is case dependent.

This latter part didn't "work" for me, but upon sending the Plan B letter, I hadn't felt so free since I stopped wearing underwear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Owing to the similarities I see between your WS and my XW - if/when you go to Plan B, your WS will feel cut off, shocked, and react angrily, but the only thing you'll see is the anger. Then she'll go into fortress mentality to "prove" you're wrong. But I could be the one wrong here.

Plan B with kids is tough. With your WS only 1/2 a block away it will be doubly tough. The kids will be running back and forth and you'll have to see her frequently and you won't have the freedom that true physical separation provides. This is gonna be real tough. I don't think you'll achieve all the personal benefits.

But this doesn't mean you shouldn't try it. If you do it, it should be initiated as soon as she's out and necessary contact related to the move is over.

On the other hand, being only 1/2 block away, she'll have to see YOU as well. She'll have to see you taking care of the house, being energetic, washing the car, playing with the kids in the yard, socializing with neighbors (wondering what you're telling them), etc., etc., etc. She'll have to see YOU being YOU and getting on with your life. Hmmmmm, maybe not such a bad Plan B sitch after all, huh, I mean, eh?

I think it's best if the WS initiates the separation. This enables the Plan B "take control" symbolism for the BS of "you (WS) decided to separate, I'm deciding to STAY separated until you meet my conditions for reconciliation." This is usually very beneficial for the BS because it gives them control for the first time since d-day, but some BSs don't realize this benefit for a while. WSs typically berate the BS, as Mel states, not immediately realizing what just hit them.

Please consider some counseling with Steve Harley. The close proximity of you to your WS in Plan B may require unique considerations that he will be best to address.

As always, JMHO.

WAT

Thanks, I appreciate that perspective.....looking on the up side.

We are just putting the final touches on the separation agreement. I feel like the new guy in the prison right after the "shower". It could have been much worse however and she is avoiding my pension.

I see the difficulties with the close proximity especially since she says she is going to buy a dog. I know my S will want to go there all the time and want to take care of the dog when she is away. I will resist this, but a 6 Yr. old boy can be persistant. I may buy one of these 2-way hand held radios for when he runs over there....it will be fun for him, and I won't have to call there to stay in touch with him.

I know I'm ready for this though......she is just nasty to me.....the nicer I am, the nastier she gets.

I have also noticed that the OMW has tried to contact her again.........good. I think the seeds of doubt/discontent are planted. It should grow and fester........should........but I take nothing for granted now.

Binder I'm in Plan B and my wife broke it for me once so far said "My Plan was childish". The longer that I don't talk to her or deal with the hateful things she says the better I feel about myself. Oh and Plan B is not just for you it's also for the WS as I was told by Jennifer.

I think it's like this the WS come's over to talk to you and make you mad by saying hateful things to us BS. Then we BS get angry and say things that are LB'ers. So now the WS thinks to thierself see that's why I had an affair my BS is such a mean and hateful person. Now in Plan B of course this is after doing a steller Plan A you take the BS element out so now the WS has to start looking at themself for the problems in thier life. Of course I could be totally off base with this but it's a theory.

Hi Binder,

Please read the post by Lost Bird (my FWH) about the impact of Plan B on him.

Lost Bird on Plan B

Please pay attention to what he said in terms of how n/c helped him, and how contact set him back.

He is home now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I look back on how I've handled myself, I know my intentions have been clear i.e. healing our marriage and changing myself. Not a dent so far, but my SIL has said she thinks about what I've said.

The exposure has made her angry and I wish I had done it right off the get-go, but such as life.

I will continue to bite my tongue for about another week, then I plan on joining you on the Plan B thread. I'll start working on my letter.

Something else came to mind. In SAA the BS CC'd a copy of hie plan B letter to the OM. Good idea or not?

What say ye?

In SAA the BS CC'd a copy of hie plan B letter to the OM. Good idea or not?
Absolutely!
And the main reason is to ensure that the op KNOWS what your thoughts are on the situation.
Many times the ws will simply tell the op that the bs has filed for divorce, kicked them out, does not want to reconcile, etc.
This will set the record straight.
And yes, the ws WILL get pissed that you send it to the op. But what ya' gonna do?!?

Originally posted by worthatry:
I hadn't felt so free since I stopped wearing underwear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Definitely "TMI"

Pep

"TMI" ???

Hmmm, gotta hep me wid that one, Pep.

"Revirgination" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm working on that, too - going to the Virgin Islands next month to be recycled!

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Proudly declared by WAT:
I hadn't felt so free since I stopped wearing underwear</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT = Commando <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I concur with Pep, def TMI!

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

TMI = Too Much Information

That's my take WAT.

I gotta agree with my learned friends as well.

Duh. OK.

Whew, I feel better. In my industry that acronym has a totally different meaning and I wondered how Pep stumbled upon it.

But wait a minute - TMI for Pep, while she mentions "Revirgination"????

Where'd I put my Hypocrisy Police ID..........

OK, Pep - any recommendation from you, my friend, is taken seriously. I'll look for it immediately.

And what makes you think she isn't hootin' 'n hollerin' already?

OK, here's one for you: "Beautiful Swimmers" by William W. Warner about Watermen, Crabs, and the Chesapeake Bay - a Pulitzer Prize winner. The description of the crab's mating ritual puts human males to shame.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> OK, Pep - any recommendation from you, my friend, is taken seriously. I'll look for it immediately.

And what makes you think she isn't hootin' 'n hollerin' already?

OK, here's one for you: "Beautiful Swimmers" by William W. Warner about Watermen, Crabs, and the Chesapeake Bay - a Pulitzer Prize winner. The description of the crab's mating ritual puts human males to shame.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">email me sometime I got somethin' to say

pepperband_mb@excite.com