WH is back with OW, says he loves her more than me and can't see our marriage ever being reconciled. Well there we have it in a nutshell. Life goes on I guess. Right back to square one, except now with two kids instead of one.

HINY

I know it feels like square one, but it isn't.
Your WH is running again. His guilt and shame and confusion are back, and that is OK. You took some steps forward, and now back again. Normal.

Please don't panic. Remember, shortly before coming out of the fog, my H requested a D at a very nice sushi lunch he invited me to. I was devestated. Things had been going nicely, we were beginning to talk again, we were making progress, I thought.

Unfortunately, you will not know why he does most of the stuff he does until his fog clears, and he can tell you about it.

All I can say, from where I was and where I now am, is that what it looks like to you (and probably him), is not what it is all about.

Does that make any sense? Just continue with your plan, smile and nod at him, tell him he can do what he needs to do, you are doing what you need to do, and hopefully you both can meet somewhere in the middle.

Don't offer him a D, don't offer to take his name off the mortgage right now. This could be his strange "test" to see if you are really where you say you are with your own personal recovery.

My H now tells me how impressed he was near the end, when he would press me and pressure me and be mean, and I not only weathered his storm, I came out clean and strong on the other side.

Try not to focus on the here and now. I remember how hard those words were for me to hear when I was at your spot, but focus on you and your goals.

Remember, the only love you NEED in life is God's. Everything else is just cake.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

Yep, listen to SS. I remember that sushi lunch. SS couldn't even eat it after talking to her WH. Shortly after he started chasing her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH is back with OW, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HINY..know where you are right now...check out my latest post on "We're in Plan B and doing Fine"...I am filing for Legal Separation tomorrow..the sad part is I think he still loves me but I have to protect my self now..take care hon and hang tough

Thanks as I sit here bawling. I am having the hardest time with this and I don't know why. A person can only take so much pain. I look at him and I love him so much I am willing to forgive him and he just doesn't realize that at this point. Should I tell him that?

HINY

You know what HINY..I have a stack of emails printed out in a folder...telling WS how much I love him..his family loves him..his grandaughters love him...we want to help him but the responses are also the same anger and blame...it is time to stop going around in circles..I'm sure your WS knows you love him to...we just have to let them go...we cannot control their actions...someday they will fall and fall hard...I would so much liked to have prevented this but when WS refuses your love and support then you have to just let them go sweetie and look after yourself...that is what I intend to do..love yourself...look after yourself..

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

HINY get back in to Plan B, you can't have him hurt you like this anymore. I mean is that all you want to be is a booty call or do you want to be his wife? Sorry to be so harsh I don't mean to be, so I will apologize now if that statment hurt your feelings k. I think your Plan B was working just like mine was but we have to stick with it no talking unless your WS meets the demands in your Plan B letter to work on your M. It's not worth the pain trust me I know now after my W broke my Plan B for me so it was like back to square one for me and now it's that way for you now too. I wish you the best so hang in there and come back to the darkside in Plan B.

{{{{{Hug}}}}}

HINY -

You know the answer to your question. You are coming from a place that is not good right now.

You cannot chase after him and beg and come from a place of scarcity and fear.

You are you. You are a kick-a$$ mother. You have a great family. You want him to be in it, but it is his decision to make. You have everything going for you. Do not think the opposite.

YOU are coming from the place of power. He is not. If it looks different than that, it is smoke and mirrors. I am on the outside, on the other side, and I am telling you the truth.

When you cannot see because of what is in front of you, trust those around you. You know I love you and would not tell you things that were not true. You have it all. He has nothing.

Know that. Live that. Every day. He will be like a moth drawn to that flame. I promise.

SS

I know you are all so right. It is so painful. We did talk whilst he was here though. I did everything you said SS. I talked about I, not him. I told him that I needed to talk to him about how I felt. I told him that I loved him, no matter how he felt about me, that I wanted my marriage, and that I wasn't going to lose everything I have worked for. I was going to sit right here and keep loving him and be the supportive and loving wife that he needs that I would support any decisions he made. Does anyone else's spouses cry? My WH cries as soon as I say I want to talk and he doesn't stop until he leaves. Just wondering if this is normal for others as well? In the middle of us talking my 3 1/2 YO son comes in from the sand box and says why are you crying and WH says me and mommy are just talking and he says yeah about me getting a new Dad, WH started crying so hard it was the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life. He picks him up and hugs him and keeps on crying. Then I said yes and mommy doesn't want you to have a new dad do you want to have a new dad and he said no. Then I explained to WH that DS is just trying to tell him that he wants a dad that is around more, that he really doesn't want a new dad. It was horrible. WH appologized for all the pain and for the fact that he is so messed up in his head right now. I explained to him that I saw where we made mistakes in the past and that I knew we could have a great marriage because of everything that I have learned about myself. I told him I was strong and that I could move forward no matter what happens. He is afraid I will use his A against him, and I told him that isn't the way it would be. We would be like starting fresh, I said the only way I can explain it is like you went out with people before we met and so did I. I told him that when I said those vows I meant them for better or worse and this is the worse. He cried all the while he was here, and he listened carefully to everything I said. He never said anything back most of the time. I told him that I wanted us to be a family again and that is where we left it. He hugged me and kissed me goodbye said he was sorry for everything that has happened. Away he went. Thanks you guys for keeping in there with me. Where would I be without you. SS you know I love ya like a sister. I sent you email. I will keep you posted.

HINY

NY, stay strong. You are strong. Hugs.

HINY my W cry's also so there's the answer you need and I'm silly enough to think that if she cry's that there is still hope. Because I think I see a little of the rational person I fell in love with.

Tinny,

Thanks. I was just curious as he is like a huge faucet as soon as we start talking and it doesn't stop at all. Esp. when talking about the kids. You would think that if something caused you that much pain you would change it right? I just don't get these WS at all.

HINY

you have said all the right things-
and they are from the heart-I can
read it in your words-you are trying
so hard-it is up to him now...
Remember to pray for God's will-
not your own, ask for strength-
1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time...
pal

Thanks Pal,

You are absolutely right! I have done all I can do, and said all I can say. I am giving it back to god and letting him take it from here as I did before. He brought him around for a while, maybe next time he will bring him around for good. They were all words from my heart, and it is funny that when I told him those things that is exactly what I said, I am telling you things from the bottom of my heart. I told him that if you asked me 3 years ago if I would want someone that cheated on me I would have said no. But here I am still loving you and still wanting you in my life, so it really must be from the bottom of my heart and it really must be love. I hope god guides me where he needs me to be, he has control now.

HINY

Hi HINY,

I haven't posted to you in a while.Back to the Plan huh.Me too.I am trying to get my WH to fill out some paperwork from our Mediator.I am very tired of waiting for WH to stop hurting me,he seems incapable right now and living some kind of new life.Not what he expected though I'm sure.He went from living in an empty apartment in Toronto,sneaking around with the homewrecker thinking he's going to start a new life to living with his boss,barely having any money to live on,a wife that's fed up and not talking to him,intiating paperwork and who knows what the homewrecker is doing.

She isn't seeing WH at all as far as I can tell(one weekend maybe?) but I'm sure they are still e-mailing and cell phoning.The fantasy bubble blew wide open and things just aren't ever going to the same as when they were running around self consumed.It's all wearing me down even during the Plan B but I think it's due to the fact that WH has to come home each weekend to see the girls which is why I am trying to legally get him to stay away.I know he has to see the children but I don't want it to be here anymore.

Anyway,my WH has cried a river too but it doesn't ever change anything.I agree though,if this disgusting A is so right then why is there so much pain and sorrow and crying and guilt and so on??? It is senseless.Whatever,I am at the end of my rope.I really do not think I want to go back now.Too much has happened,too much to get over.Nothings changed anyway.I just want WH away from me and my girls.He is not the man I married nor the father my girls have had,he is something that defies description these days.I'd rather be alone than keep hanging onto nothing.

O

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Rember the saying.....

SET IT FREE IF IT COMES BACK ITS Y0URS , IF IT DOESN'T IT NEVER WAS.............


Sayings would not have been said, if they did not have some trueth to them ...

Be HEALTHY , Happy ,,laugh, LIVE LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!

YOu are worthy of a full and wonderful life ,, love is around you in many different ways..goodaround you in so many different ways ..

Embrace what is infront of you and leave the reat to faith . There is a happy ending for each and everyone of us ... It may not be the ones WE THOUGHT they where BUT ... IT is out there and the excitement of life is looking to see what the next day will bring ...

LOOK for now on ,,at only the good each day ...

Hi O,

This really is pathetic isn't it? I am so sick of feeling this way. I am so sick of crying. I am so sick of the pain. Today when my DS said that to WH I was thinking that was it. It really struck him hard, and before he left he appologized for screwing up my life and our kids lives. I have done all I can do now. I can't file for D or anything until my SSD is finalized which won't be until Aug at least. Hopefully things will get better. I am really worried about DS being around the big and nasty. I had to laugh about a couple of things today though, my DS met a new kid at daycare and when I told him to tell his dad what his name was he gave the wrong name and then his dad wanted to know who the wrong named person was, then he asked where the flowers came from on the table. It was an interesting day.

O I really hope things get better for you. I can feel your pain everyday of my life also. I feel like exploding with anger some days, as we are going to lose everything over a HW that will mean nothing to him in no time at all. If that happens I will never ever forgive him for it. My DD has already been moved so many times and I have already lost one home with my ex-H. Keep me posted on your dilemma.

HINY

3

I know you are right. I did set him free and he came back, then he asked to be let free again. I just can't keep up with him anymore, and I am truly hurt and sick of trying. It was just such a sad day for me to see him in the sort of pain and to see my DS so sad also. I hope he sorts his head out soon, and makes his way somewhere. I know love is out there and I know I could find it again. I would have to empty my heart first and that might take a while. For now I am going to enjoy my children and spend all my time concentrating on them, when I am not working my fingers to the bone trying to keep up with everything myself around this big ol house. I need a handy man I think.

HINY

NY, just read your thread. I have not had to deal with Plan B, but I have dealt with the very confused WS. Before I even knew about the A I was getting ready to leave the M because H wouldn't talk or commit to us. So I guess I was naturally about to move into a Plan B. At that time, and many times after, I turned the M over to God. There was nothing more I could do. Somehow this H of mine is still here. Lucky me, huh? I did get to the point that I no longer prayed God would keep us together, but that God's will in this be done.

You are a strong, remarkable woman. Please remember YOU will be OK whatever the outcome. It is your fogged out H, whether he returns to the M or not, who will have to deal with what he has done. I will be sending prayers your way! CV

Spider, it's good to see your posts. I'm glad all is well. I miss your humorous posts laughing at our H's.

CV -

It is so funny that you said that, because the other night H was clipping those toenails of his in the bathroom, and I was simultaneously trying to cover my water (ew, gross), shield my eyes, and get the HECK outa there, before one of those missiles struck me. They were ricocheting all over, whizzing right by my head - those little suckers sting! And I have a fear that one will get lodged deep in my ear canal, and I'll have to go to the ER, and that would SUCK!

And I was thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ah, we had such good chuckles at those FWS of ours. Good times, sister. And watching H pop zits on his back or *gasp* butt, thinking it was a good thing he came back home. Because even with all that nastiness, I love him.

How are you two doing now? I read that Retrovaielleiesasles (spelling?) went fairly well, but after that, nothing.

Hope all is well. You are still with him, so he must be finally doing some stuff right. Dumb boys (no offense, other boys!).

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS