All you MB's out there:

I need some sage advice. For those not familar with my story, it is linked in my signature line, but you probably don't need all that information to answer this. It's been almost 3 months since D-Day, and my family has been invited to a neighbors wedding. (The future H was my Dad's best friend, although he's only 8 years older than I. We are good friends also.) To complicate matters my oldest D is dating his future stepson. My question is, how do I go to this without breaking down?

A little more background info: two weeks after d-day, my W's cousin got married. I didn't go, because of the potential triggers. My excuse to the family was that I had to work. Basically, the W had a miserable time and it showed to her sister and mom. (Sister knows of A but mother didn't and still doesn't.) Basically, she drove home and her sister was scared to death. Also, the wedding is more of a picnic; with bride and groom exchanging vows, getting out of their monkey suits immediately thereafter and then it's a pig roast/picnic the rest of the day. Supposedly, 80 others were invited to this cabin, which is not all that big. Maybe weather will be crappy and I can use that and the small cabin as an excuse?

Also, with this 2nd wedding coming up, I don't want to watch the exchange of vows as I fear it will bring up too many triggers and I'll breakdown in front of others (I don't think many of the people there know of the A, but don't know for sure). I don't want to blow it off totally, b/c my D will get pissed. As you can see, I'm torn by this situation. Any thots?

I don't understand..

If you are in recovery why would you not want to go to a wedding...


while I can understand the triggers it may bring up...why wouldn't this be a great opportunity to discuss the triggers with your wife...and get her support in attending to together...

and so what if you break down...perhaps your wife needs to see your pain....


ARK

Maybe I'm not as far into recovery as I thought. Some further info on the two getting married: The future H has been divorced twice, both times b/c he was unfaithful. Future W is divorced once, but her 1st husband was/is a drug addict, plus she used to do some running around (IYKWIM). I guess, I don't look at either of them as being able to keep up their vows?

Also, I thought about my W & I retaking our vows a few weeks back (before we were invited to this Wedding). The thoughts I have are many, but one of the main things I've thought about are that she didn't keep those vows to love, honor and cherish when she had the A. I guess it could be said that maybe I broke some of the vows, but at least I have "forsaken all others." I see this as too painful for me. If we don't go, then my D will probably be the most upset. I told the W last night that I didn't want to see the vows and asked if we could be fashionably late. She said if that's the way I felt then she didn't want to go at all. It's all so confusing. I don't know if that really is an explaination to your question or not, but...

One other thought: She has seen my pain. I'm generally not an overly emotional person, but since the A came to light, you'd think I was a water foutain.

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

I'm generally not an overly emotional person, but since the A came to light, you'd think I was a water foutain.

Here I am handing you some tissues..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that you can POJA this whole thing...

I think that it is fine to say that you don't want to be present for the vow part....
and going fashionably late is a great compromise...

I think the more important issue is your wifes comment....

She said if that's the way I felt then she didn't want to go at all.

was said out of kindness and understanding or was it a knee jerk rebuttal?

ark

The unfortunate thing is that we're not really following the MB techniques. (Well, I'm trying and she did read the book HNHN and part of SAA, but she hasn't committed to using any of the techniques Dr. Harley recommends.)

We had had a fairly productive talk prior to this while laying in bed. Then when that ended, and we were trying to fall asleep (after about 30-45 minutes) I asked if she was awake and she was; so I then made the comment about "not wanting to be present for the vows...and going fashionably late." It kind of came across as cold hearted and I think she took it as an insult to her. Her response wasn't a knee jerk reaction b/c there was a delay in her response but I could her the "hurt" in her voice. I guess it doesn't help that she doesn't like this couple very well to begin with. She does have issues like that, but that wasn't my point. I know that eventually, I'll have to get beyond this as there will be more weddings in the future that I'll be expected to attend and some that I'm sure that I'll want to.


Thanks for this tissues <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I prefer handkerchiefs and have a full supply though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Hi Recovering H:

About three weeks after this most recent D-Day, my sister -- my one and only sister, whom I love deeply -- got engaged. She got married last month (5.5 months past D-Day); I was her maid of honor. (Ok, techincally, I was her matron of honor. But I hate that term, so I choose to ignore it.) No one in my family knows about FWH's affairs, besides my parents.

So I understand what you're dealing with here.

From my BTDT perspective -- yes, it was HARD. I know I cried some during the ceremony. I did my best to block out their vows, because I was afraid my nausea would make me do things on stage that bridesmaids aren't supposed to do. (Not to mention what would have happened to my sister's beautiful dress.)

FWH and I had a few serious talks that day. It was hard to suppress the bitterness and cynicism. But you know what? Weddings happen. And because we are on the path to recovery, it was OK. It wasn't fun, and I certainly wish things could have been different. But it's kindof like facing a trigger or an anniversary. There's no way around it; you just have to go through it. Rely on each other. Trust in God.

BH03

OK, this might not be a popular opinion, but it's the one I am going to give you...

Wedding guests are there to help the couple celebrate and give their good wishes. It seems that you will not be there for the right reasons and that it would be hard on your recovery to attend. DON'T GO!

This is a neighbors wedding, not a family event, you are not required to attend. I would not want anyone at my wedding who was upset by the vows, ot coming late to avoid them. It is not a cocktail party, it's a wedding, you can't avoid the overriding sentiment of the day...commitment,fidelity etc. etc.

You are afraid of breaking down, it's just simple to me, you don't need to be there and you would not be an asset to the day for the couple, it would be too hard on you.

No one else has any business being upset by your declining the invitation. This is about your recovery and your feelings are more important in this case.

I just tell it like I see it, you need to take care of you!

Thanks ark^^, brokenheart03 and Ladysing58;

You've all brought up good points and made me think. On the drive home from work today, I made the decision that I'll just tough it out and attend. Brokenheart, it helps me to hear how you dealt with it. Ladysing, you're probably right in that I shouldn't attend, but I'm going to look at it as an opportunity for the W and I to grow together and get through this difficult time. We've talked a little more and she just doesn't like the idea of going late.

This wedding is going to be different from any other that I've ever attended. (Maybe b/c it is more 'hillbilly' like. It's just gonna be say the vows and change into more comfortable clothes and then let the pig roast and volleyball begin. I should be able to handle that.) I'm just going to refrain from doing ANY drinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Update for those interested:

The wedding went fairly well. The triggers weren't too bad. The only problem I had, was as they were exchanging vows, when they got to the faithful part, I had a tear slide out of my eye and a small weird sound emanated from my throat. I think my W was the only one to hear it though.

The only real negative for the day, was the bride had some weird relatives there and they kept eyeballing my W up. She felt uncomfortable and told me. Said that happens to her alot. So then, I kind of watched the two guys she was talking about and noticed it too. She said that I never notice that and wished I would. I thought about saying something to the one guy, but then we just left. (He had manuevered is way behind my W to look at her butt and then I caught him and he walked off quickly. I think I would have said something to him if we had stayed any longer.)

congratulations for going!!!

for the record, i was going to say if:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so I then made the comment about "not wanting to be present for the vows...and going fashionably late." It kind of came across as cold hearted and I think she took it as an insult to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you meant it as an insult, you owe her an apology. if you did not mean it as an insult but you know or even suspect that she took it as an insult, a loving response would be to clarify that you did not mean it as an insult. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Her response wasn't a knee jerk reaction b/c there was a delay in her response but I could her the "hurt" in her voice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how much delay, 5 min, that is still knee jerk to me.

in any case, sounds like my thoughts are late.

I again say congrats to you for going. It sounds like it was a successful experience for your marriage even though it was hard too. I hope when you had the tear and made the sound you reached for your's wife's hand to comfort you. Speaking from experience (sorry to say that i have this experience), WWs, at least this one, don't always know if the BH wants our comfort, which of course is no excuse to not offer it anyway.