I have been married 27 years, and we have 8 children - the youngest two are twins 10 years old.
I give this background so you will understand where I come from - and that I understand the demands on your time, and how difficult it is to "balance" everything.
The earlier years were more difficult for us - when the children were small. We didn't know about MB, and we didn't spend very much time together outside or raising the kids. We drifted apart and it drove me crazy because I didn't understand what was happening. I mean, we were doing what we were supposed to do, get married, work, raise kids - and be happy - right?
Looking back at it now, and having changed our lives to spend more time together, and meet each others needs, I wish we would have know these things a long time ago. I think we could have had a much stronger marriage much sooner.
It's hard to know the best way to talk to you. Some people that come here really want to make things work, and would do almost anything to ensure success. Some are discouraged and don't think it will work. I know your story, but I haven't read about you lately, and I am not sure exactly where you are in your recovery. That is, I am not sure what your emotional strength is, and how well you personally are doing.
The guidelines that Dr Harley suggests are just that - guidelines. You use the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) to implement them into your lives. It is not wise to say "THERE IS NO WAY i CAN EVER DO THIS" and it is also not wise to say "I need to do what my spouse wants 100% or we have failed."
There are ways to get 15 hours together when you work at it, but you need not think you fail if you get 9 hours one week and 18 hours the next, because it is not and exact thing. You do need to find ways to get 15 hours many weeks, or most weeks. You do need to realize that some weeks it won't work.
Just remember that if you don't PLAN that time together you will never SPEND IT together. It won't happen by accident. After trying to make it work for over two years, we find that we crave time together now, and we try really hard to make it work for us just because it feels so good when we do.
Remember that part of the 15 hours can be the sex - it doesn't need to be separate. It seems to me that many people spend time doing other things that could be used together if they wanted it that way. I see couples that watch TV 2 hours a night and they could spend it reading together, taking a walk, talking, planning other time together, having sex, (tough with three small children, but I have heard where there is a will, there is a way,) and so on.
What you need to do is start - see what you CAN do, and not worry so much right now about how difficult it looks. If your H will meet your needs, and make you feel important emotionally, your desire for him will increase, and you will get to the point where you will crave the time together too. That makes it much easier to make it work. It can be as Dr Harley says, you can be in love again just like it was when you first met.
It will take time - the first time around it was natural, and this time it is more planned, but it can and will work. Just give it some time, and be patient, and do all that you can. It doesn't need to be forced, or fake, and I promise it will come along if you will try.
Look at how you spend your time now, and find things you can do together that you do apart. It can even be cooking or doing the dishes. If one of you has a need for conversation, it can be filled during times like that. It may be that you do the inside work like mopping the floors, and he does the outside work in the yard, and you could do both together instead of apart. Now, I don't know if you live in a home with a yard, or an apartment somewhere - but you can see from these few examples what direction you can look for some ideas. Some things will be hard with small children, I realize that, but if you don't look at everything, you may miss a good opertunity.
Try it, start looking at your lives and see how you can spend more time together. It can be fun, and it is really rewarding. Don't be afraid of it, and think it will be a hardship. Look at the long view, and give it a couple of years to work it self out. Have a little fun with it - be creative <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , it can change your life for the better.
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