Hi -

I'm new to this - but have lurked a lot and read the literature.

In December 2003 I discovered that H was having an A. He waffled for two weeks, then moved out and immediately in with OW. After awhile he got his own apt - but I think it was mostly to have a place to meet with the children - he stayed mostly with OW. We had a lot of bitter contact and D proceedings started.

At the end of March 2004, he called and told me he had broken off with OW and would like to go to MC and try to have a marriage. He didn't move back in - but we started to spend a lot of time together and put all the D proceedings on hold.

It started off so hopefully but after two weeks we had a fight about his not really getting what he had done to the family and he left again and went straight back to OW. Since then he has reinstated the D proceedings. I wrote him a letter about how I still loved him and wanted him to be with him. I invited him to go somewhere with our family but he said we shouldn't really be doing things together. I have been really devastated by this second desertion - am barely holding myself together.

Most of our mutual friends know about this. His father knows about it (he took OW with him on a visit the weekend after he left me) but has a history of this himself.

I don't know much about OW except that she works in the accounting department of the law firm H used to work in. I wrote her an email telling her that the affair had been devastating to me and to my children and asked her to stop seeing him. I also copied her on some emails to him where I forwarded him his words to me on trying to make our marriage work. (He has had his lawyer threaten me because of this.) In an effort to further disclose this affair I called OW's supervisor and informed her and asked for her help in telling OW this is not the right thing to do. The supervisor was appalled - but I don't really know whether she plans to confront her.

I guess I don't really know further what to do. I could email her again and copy all his former colleagues at the law firm - but am not sure that'll do much further good.

I also haven't had too much contact with H lately. And I don't really know what to do now. His lawyer will be pressing for the D to proceed and H seems to be going to stay with OW.

Do I write a plan B letter? Any suggestions or help for me?

Did you Plan A your H when he was home? Read all the info on this sight especially the basic concept's. If you did Plan A did you do a steller one? If not you need to so your H see's you as a good kind caring person before going into Plan B.

Thanks Tinman. I did Plan A while we were together until the fight after which he left. I'm not that sure how to Plan A now that he's gone and back with her - he really doesn't want to talk to me, I think he has a hard time facing me and his guilt. I could have some minimal contact with him when he picks up/drops off kids. I don't think he wants me to invite him to be with us at all - should I try anyway?

It's also a little hard since the D papers I've gotten from his lawyer are pretty harsh. (Want children and I out of house by end of year.)

thanks for responding

Sorry - just want to ask one additional question. If I need to go to Plan B - how do I handle the request to go to mediation? Eventually, in my state, I'll be required to do that. Anyone been through this?

thanks

FS,

I think you should stay in Plan A if you still feel love for your H. The reason I say that is I don't think you've done a stellar plan A yet.

Your H left because the two of you "had a fight about his not really getting what he had done to the family." That suggests a DJ on your part. Who are you to judge whether or not he "gets it" and what time frame is appropriate? I know that sounds harsh. Look at the results - he ran back to OW. I think you need to take a hard honest look at that. I'm not trying to say you were awful - I'm trying to say LBs are extremely dangerous right now and you should be aware of that. Every LB on your part allows him to tell himself "See? She is such a witch. I don't know why I ever married her in the first place."

So, I'd say go into a stellar plan A. Learn to avoid LBs.

Thanks for your input. You're right - during the time he had returned I was very conflicted. I never expected him to return - hadn't planned on it and at the time wasn't sure I wanted it.

But now I am. And I've learned a lot from this site, although it might be too late.

It is hard to plan A him since he has his lawyer sending me some very harsh legal papers and he doesn't really want to talk to me. I will try - I'm not sure how far to go without seeming to desperate to him. When I asked him not to return to her and to stay and work on the marriage he told me not to seem so desperate.

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts.