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My WW moved out Jan. 26, '04. Contact with her has mostly been hostile (from both directions) until last week when I asked her if we could call a truce. We had a fairly long talk 2 days ago at a neutral site at my request. I started out by apologizing to her for one particullarly nasty outburst on my part which she said she understood because of the way she blindsided me.
Then I apologized to her for not meeting her ENs and made sure she understood I am taking responsibility for that much of our problems. She said she was sorry if she hurt me. We touched on her and OM some, I did not say, muchless demand,that she end her relationship. I made it quite clear that I want us to work things out and pointed out some personal changes that I have made since seperation- like taking medication for depression which she has tried to get me to do for quite some time. She says she just doesn't see that happening, things have been too bad for too long and she can't take it anymore. Still things ended on a fairly happy note with us hugging each other. She told mne she wants me to be happy and I told her to give me a chance.
Now I have seen some places here where people say you should not discuss relationship while in Plan A. I understood Plan A to be where you point out how you can meet the WS's ENs better than the OP with out making demands that contact with the OP stop. How does it work?
Also I have seen Plan A letters mentioned to be sent to WS's family. Where are the guidelines for that?
Plan A is difficult for me as I know she will spend the night with OM tonight while I have the kids and she and OM have a vacation planned for July, a couple of weeks before DV-Day is scheduled. I'm running out of time.

Jeff, please read resilient's thread. He bumped it up for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
Jeff, please read resilient's thread. He bumped it up for you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, do read the thread "The Misapplication of Plan A", Jeff.

And YO LnH ..... I am a "SHE". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

From this website:

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed.



Harley goes on to say that the causes usually include unmet ENs, inconsiderate behavior on the part of the BS, or not enough time spent together.

Thus, Plan A consists of meeting ENs, POJA, and spending time together while avoiding LBs.

The article.

BTW there isn't such a thing as a Plan A letter(at least not that I'm aware of). You are probably thinking of an exposure letter or a No Contact letter.

Here's an excellent rehash of Plan A by Cerri (who is a MB trained coach):

[QUOTE]Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!

Actually, there can be a Plan A letter, it's just not discussed in the MB literature. I used one and others have as well.

It's especially useful when a separation has already occurred to communicate the BS's Plan A "results", e.g., things the BS recognizes as having been detrimental to the marriage and desires for rebuilding, etc.

A love letter.

Basically, it's a Plan B letter without the isolation punchline.

WAT