Okay! I need your guidance. My H has been in NC with OW for about 3.5 weeks now. I have not seen any proof that there have been any phone calls/emails etc. and things at home have been going pretty good. I'm trying hard in Plan A and I'm actually learning some things about myself that I find valuable throughout all of this mess.

Well, something has been bothering me though... My H went to a high school reunion about 2 years ago. He attended by himself and it was fine with me. Throughout all of this, he has gotten reacquainted with quite a few people from his high school class and he keeps in touch. No problem!

Now, there is one woman in particular with whom he seems to talk on the phone a bit more often, usually about half an hour about 3-5 times per month. She has marital problems with her H and she is actually separating from him right now. My H grew up with this woman from when he was very little and they have a lot of things in common/many memories from childhood etc. She recently went on a trip and she sent him a present to our home which also included a present for me with a nice card to both of us.

My H also calls her once in a while and they talk, mainly on his cell phone. Sometimes he tells me bits and pieces about their conversation, but not always. He does not really go into details.

Now given what has happened in the past, I was starting to feel a bit insecure about this 'friendship' again. I don't know what to think.... Especially since she has problems with her husband and is separating now. She is a lot older than I am (about 11 years) and I'm probably getting worried for nothing, but sometimes it just really sucks that my H always has to have these 'friendships' with women.

I guess I just have to accept him the way he is. By now I don't think he'll ever change.

Kati

Kati

You definitely have every right to be insecure! Anyone would be. He needs to be concerned with your comfort level in this. Tell him how it makes you feel.

Maybe if this really is a platonic relationship (hard between M & F) he can only talk to her when you are present. No cell calls. And ask her to not discuss her marital problems. That is A#1 trouble between two people that are not married! If she really needs someone, she needs to find a girlfriend or counselor.

It's not your H's responsibility to support someone else's wife! That in itself is an affair, IMHO. He needs to be worried about YOUR needs now!
After 3.5 weeks of NC he is still vulerable I would think.

Well, I know that this is not OW, it is a different female and I'm sure that it is probably just friendship, but still I don't get WHY he has to be everyone's therapist/counselor.

Anyway, I thought long and hard about it and I decided to sent her an email. I introduced myself as my husband's wife and told her that I got her email address from him and I thanked her for the nice gift etc. Basically small talk. So, we'll see...

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fraggles:
<strong> Kati

You definitely have every right to be insecure! Anyone would be. He needs to be concerned with your comfort level in this. Tell him how it makes you feel.

Maybe if this really is a platonic relationship (hard between M & F) he can only talk to her when you are present. No cell calls. And ask her to not discuss her marital problems. That is A#1 trouble between two people that are not married! If she really needs someone, she needs to find a girlfriend or counselor.

It's not your H's responsibility to support someone else's wife! That in itself is an affair, IMHO. He needs to be worried about YOUR needs now!
After 3.5 weeks of NC he is still vulerable I would think. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yes, I understood she is not OW but feel that he should not be "exposing" himself to any other female at this point! Too bad your H can't counsel himself!

Good idea on the e-mail! Maybe she is a very nice person and can turn into a FRIEND OF THE MARRIAGE. Someone you both can enjoy a friendship with.

Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It is an excellent book on rebuilding after infidelity! Your H can get a better understanding of why it is not acceptable for these types of friendships with opposite sex.

Good luck - let us know her response and what happens!

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Fraggles ]</small>

Kati, as I'm a FWW who had an A with my old HS BF from 30 years before, I would say you have every right to be concerned. There is a bond between people who knew each other when they were young that is very strong.

You did completely the right thing by e-mailing her. If OM's W had contacted me in a friendly way right at the very start, before our relationship had progressed to an A, I don't believe the A would ever have happened. OM and his W and me and my H would probably have met for dinner a couple of times and all gone our separate ways (as couples with no harm done).

It was the secrecy right from the start that was the enabler for an A. OM's W and my H knew OM and I had gone to our old friend's funeral together but after that it was all secrecy.

Jenny

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

kati, you know i'm no expert and i was away from the boards yesterday because i was just too tired and left work real early and went home and slept. anyway, i'm not going to be saying anything new here but i think you know if your heart what all this means and what needs to be done. it was probably a good idea to send the old friend an email. i know (at least i think i know) that your H seems to feel this need to flirt/counsel others etc, but if he indeed is serious about the NC and rebuilding a M, etc. then he does need to realize that he is putting himself at risk as well as how this makes you feel. it may very well be just a friendship but you know the old saying about even the appearance of impropriety goes a long way.

wishing you the best, continued strength and prayers and let us know how it goes, RR

Hi RR & all,

RR, I've been thinking about you and I hope you are doing alright. I haven't been reading too much here lately because I'm busy at work, but I appreciate you and the others writing back to me.

You know, I'm sick and tired of always being told that I'm the one who's got the problems, who is jealous, insecure, suspicious etc. I've thought a lot about it last night and it is so far from the truth. ANY woman would feel like that if her husband was calling other women on his cell phone. I don't care if they are friends or not.

None of my girlfriend's husband do sh** like that and I've asked them. They just look at me like I'm crazy. So I know that I'm NOT crazy. This is NOT normal behaviour.

Right now, I don't care what is wrong with him and why he feels that he constantly needs to do this. I just don't give a f*** anymore (excuse my French!). The hell with it!

I'm just gonna do my thing now, too. Why should I waste my young years and play the faithful understanding wife when all I get is a stab in the back. Maybe men don't want faithful wifes anymore. Maybe it's all about lies, deceit, sex and drama.

Sometimes I get so sad coming here and reading all the painful stories. I feel for all of these people here. It's a horrible place to be. There is so much pain, so much hurt. It rips my heart out to see this. I feel so helpless for all of those people and it makes me mad that there is nothing that I can say or do to make anyone feel better, let alone myself.

Sorry for the vent this morning. But I'm just sick of it all.

Love to all!
Kati

Kati,

I would give him an ultimatem--stop ALL intimacy with females or Else. Don't be emotional, just explain what you explained here.

He is getting intimacy from these women and that is stealing intimacy from your relationship. He sounds a lot like me, and if he is, then that is exactly why he is talking to these other women. It bolsters him.

He did a Very Bad Thing to you, and if he is really sorry and wants to work it out he should be willing to follow the straight and narrow.

What is the alternative to this? Sounds like you are contemplating sinking to his level. You _won't_ be happier if you do this. That is assured.

Good luck and God bless,

Jg

oh Kati, do you have a pastor or minister you could talk to?

sending you hugs and prayers, RR

RR,

No I do not have a pastor or a minister. I do not attend church.

There is really nothing anybody can say or do, RR and talking to a pastor is not going to change my H mind either.

BTW, OW called again today. They talked for about eight minutes just this afternoon.

From now on, I'm not going to ward of advances from any other men anymore. Heck, maybe I'm just gonna take off my wedding ring, the beautiful new diamond ring that he just bought me about three weeks ago. It's all fake, means nothing.

I just want to move away, all by myself just with my dog. I hate it here. I just want a new start. Maybe next time I can do better.

Kati

i'm sorry Kati and I hope you don't mind if I still pray for you.

Don't be sorry, RR. It's alright and I'll be fine.

You know, the other day my H told me that OW is very happy with her current fiancee now and that she has lots of things going on in her life etc. I was kind of wondering that what if she gets married and asks my H to be a guest at her wedding? I'm pretty sure she would, since they are such good friends. Wouldn't that be so strange??? I doubt I'll be invited....

Kati

kati, just wondering how you are doing and hope that you will continue to come here. i think you have a lot to offer and we want to support you in whatever decision or plan you go with. but i also understand if you don't feel like you can come here. i've wondered that myself so i'm more selective on what i read/post for now but still hope that i can receive words from this site and be able to give a few myself. continued prayers to you.

Hi RR,

Thank you for asking. I was thinking about you this morning as well. I'm doing alright; actually had a pretty good weekend.

I still come here and read, but not as much. It tears me up to see so much hurt and pain and I feel helpless not being able to say and post the right things. I wish that I could say something to erase all of this terrible pain from people's lifes. Nobody deserve this and it really makes me question people and what they are and stand for. I've been confronted with so much adultery, lies and deceit, not only from my own experience, but also within my family and friends that it is plain sickening.

Right now, I'm trying to take care of myself because I have to. Maybe I have reached the point of self-preservation, but honestly it is all about me now. I have to do this because I want to live and I do not want to feel like this. Whatever will happen, will happen. I really do not have much control over it, BUT I have control over what happens to ME. So, I'm going to take care of myself, spoil myself and feel good. And YOU should, too, RR.

I'm thinking a lot about everyone here and I still like to read and I will certainly post when I feel that I may be qualified to help or give a suggestion. I just wish the very best for everyone here. We all deserve to be happy.

Love
Kati