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As I arrived at work this morning, a friend came to me and asked if my H was still at home and if things were going well. Well, as I said yes the look on her face told it all. She was at the ball park last night and my H, while on duty, was also there sitting with OW. She even introduced him to someone.
I called H to ask about it. He says there was a call there. Soooooo you had to go sit with OW? I don't think I have done any LBing yet. I spoke quite gingerly this morning when I said I thought you said you were going to try. He replied he is trying. I guess not hard enough.
I am trying to make it until school's out. One of my friends at work said to keep being myself and treating him well. I am going to until school is out(I teach and cannot deal with this and work).
I am going to be the best me I can until June. If OW is still in the picture, something will have to give then. I am ready to go somewhere on vacation for a month or so anyway!
Since I got home I have avoided H because I don't want to LB him. He is avoiding me also, so I guess it doesn't matter.
Another hill on this roller coaster!! Does it ever come to a stop?
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BS 32, WS 35
Children 2S 6,3
Married 7 years, Together 16 years
EA discovered 3-19-04
WS doesn't want to leave, but won't give NC letter
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Did you ever read any of the books recommended?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> I spoke quite gingerly this morning when I said I thought you said you were going to try. He replied he is trying. | </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is he "trying" to do besides get you off his back so he can have his cake and eat it too?
I'm sorry, but "I'm trying" simply means NO but he is too cowardly to say that.
hurt, your H has no motivation WHATSOEVER to end this affair and won't until you set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids. If you aren't willing to do the things that will effectively end the affair, you really cant complain about being in an open marriage.
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P.S. I hope you don't think that was his only contact. It is the only contact that you CAUGHT him at.
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No, I don't think that is his only contact. In fact, with all his "secret" instant message and e-mail addresses I know it's not. I am ready for plan B, but I can not do that until school is out. It is just not possible. I have three more weeks and then plan B will begin.
By the way, I just purchased SAA and Love Must be Tough. Any suggestions as to which one to read first?
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hurt, that sounds like a great plan! It will give you time to read up and plan out your strategy. I think the Dobson book might be the most helpful beginning in your situation.
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Have you exposed the OW at work? I can't remember but is she married? Do you know who her family is? I would get any and all exposing done NOW in one fell swoop while he is still there and before you go to Plan B. The more exposed the affair, the less shelf life it has. The more exposure, the more conflict in the affair.
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hurt, what did your H say about his A? Plan A very hard now, then go to Plan B. But it is very risky in Plan B, but that is the only choice. Love must be tough is sort of Plan B from the beginning. But when I read to much, my head get confused. Even Dr. Harley gave me some very different opinion from what Plan B is supposed to be. Hang in there. When will your summer start? I assume you teach everyday?
I am teaching in college, summer I ends at end of June. I don't teach summer II.
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Melody,
Yes, the A has been exposed to everyone under the sun. I called OW's parents, OWH and I chatted several times, every family member of mine and H, and all workplace knows. That is how I know about the ball park. So many people know that no matter where they are someone will see them.
Lost,
My summer starts June 1 and I can't wait. I have always been a pretty good teacher and this has put a damper on my teaching. I still do the job, but A is always on my mind.
I look at my fourth graders and decide that my children will be fine in a divorced family. Then the next minute I'm determined to make M work. Yes, I teach every day.
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Well Hurtnp, let me give you a different perspective. Im a HOS and this is how it went down for me last christmas my DD was 12/7/03. My W caught me haveing a cel phone conversation at 1am in the yard with the OW. She immediatly told me it would be easy (I turned out to be the most trying time of my life). She said I had to leave, I had it all planned out, my stuff was actually already packed. She was tough on me at first and demanded I sapport my 2 children, which I did. She demanded they receive compensation, time, money etc. I was very responsive as I love my kids (I brought my check book with me to court). She made an excelent choice in telling me she would like to keep in touch and if I ever needed a friend she would be their for me. This was what made my trip back possible. She never slamed the door in my face, but rather skillfully left the door unlocked. When I started having problems with the OW I decided to meet with my W and discuse my D (The OW never found out), she then "Broke Down" in tears and shared the loving expreshion of a W who never rarly expressed her love. This broke my heart into two pieces <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . SAt that very moment I asked her to forgive me for all the pain I have caused her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> To make a long story short weve been back together since 3/14/04 and recovering thak to our "True Love" we have rediscovered. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So before you all WS gang up and tell her to plan carfully her retreat from M, I sugest Hurtnp should be tough at first , but leave all options open including planing for reconsiliation. I think OS drift of for diferent reason and those should be addressed at its time. Right now is not that moment. Be as Good of a person as you can and work hard at saving your M, all is not lost. Regards, FCalunga OS(37) WS(38) M17 DD 12/7/03 NC 3/26/04 In Recovery and doing "Good"
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FCalunga,
Thanks for your input. It is nice to see the other perspective. I don't think H is ready to give up on family and what he has. He is lost in a fantasy with someone who talks nice all the time to him. She is very manipulative and is doing everything she knows he wants her to do.
What man doesn't want this? He is not innocent in the whole thing and I know this, however if she would leave him alone we would stand a better chance.
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Originally posted by hurtnp:
I have three more weeks and then plan B will begin.
Then do the most awesome Plan A until then... No LB's NONE!
By the way, I just purchased SAA and Love Must be Tough. Any suggestions as to which one to read first?
Up to you. Which ever graps your attention first.
BTW, the "door left open to return to the marriage" in Plan B is the Plan B letter... which is, in essence, a love letter... a sad love letter... a letter that invites the Ws back to the marriage... with conditions that won't put you in the loony bin. He'll get his roadmap home in the PBL.
Pep
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That's my plan pepperband...no LB's all plan A until June 1. If it works then that's great, but if it doesn't....plan B here we come.
By the way, a question for all....do the WH's always make you feel like it's your fault when they screw up... mine has acted like I have the plague since I confronted him yesterday. I did it in a very plan A way. Is he ashamed of himself or does he really think I am wrong for knowing about him seeing OW?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong>
Is he ashamed of himself or does he really think I am wrong for knowing about him seeing OW? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he is very ashamed. Usually the only way a WS can justify the affair is to demonize the BS. They are in a fantasy world and don't tend to be too logical - or honest - about their own behavior.
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That's the feeling I get from him...he's ashamed, but then why continue?
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double
<small>[ May 13, 2004, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Originally posted by hurtnp:
By the way, a question for all....do the WH's always make you feel like it's your fault when they screw up... mine has acted like I have the plague since I confronted him yesterday.
I assume you mean he's ignoring you...
He's feeling ugly inside... and probably a bit frightened. He's in his cave. Let him stew in his own juices, but don't bite any bait for a fight he throws your way.
Practice self-soothing here... Your serenity does not depend on his!! (Thank God)
He's probably not very happy with himself right now.
Let him lead any intimate conversations. You listen.
Pep
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Intimate conversations!!! What are those? We haven't done that in a long time. Anyway, I am not going to LB him. I am determined. Although, I think being on here may be an LB...I don't think he likes me on this website.
I try not to get on here when he is home, but yesterday and today posting has kept me from LBing. He just left to go to the video store. I sent oldest S with him sort of...I told S H was going knowing that S loves the video store!!
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For these reasons you have already stated. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes the OW gave me all this, Sex, compliments, nurchering, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> toke great care in providing emotional and fisical sapport, it was not enough I started remembering what my wife offered, Loving, Understanding , Patience, etc. Then it all caved in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I discover whats behind the cover, was I in for the shocker of my life (she turned out to be BI-Polar, and hide all the medications from me) this is a condition in the brain that has no cure but can be controled with medication. Extrem depreshion sits in and destroyes all persons around you. Very sad for me at the time, and her kids, friends, etc. it started to take a toll in the A, At the same time "God" is always in control. I Praise "God" for his never ending love for me. At the same time my W was praying and loosing weight (98Lbs.) But she never gave up hope. The A lasted 3 months. I urge you to stand hard, be strong and look for inner srength were ever it can be found, be it God, ect. Dont dispare, all is not lost yet. Be tough, or at leats pretend, dont let him get the better half of this situation, as respective as possible, patient but setting limits. Regards, FCalunga HOS(37)me WS(38) M17 DD 12/7/03 NC 3/26/04 In Recovery "Doing Well"
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