^bump^ for Petite Flower

up for newbies

Exposure was a strange kind of an "accident" in my sitch...I had not yet found MB, had some pretty condeming evidence that at the least my WH was having an EA..(most of it but not all came straight from the horses mouth BTW) After several months of confrontations (my 1st questions to him about her left me totally shell shocked by his guilty response- was not expecting it) I left for a month to stay with my DD in another state after a huge fight. I confided in a mutual friend (long distance, as I left in the middle of the night for the airport) that I "thought" they had at least an attraction for each other, and she did NOT keep her mouth shut......told everyone in their little group which got back to WH and to OW also. At 1st I was very upset by this as I thought the same thing that Heroswife thought....it would ruin my M. Turned out to be just the opposite........probably the best thing I could have done.....and it was NOT INTENTIONAL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Figured this out later, as when I returned I found MB and you all, and learned about exposure. That was the turning point in their R. Yes my WH was FURIOUS...and that was not the complete end of their R....but not very long after that it was over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tare

Lost my last post....won't be so windy this time....I hate typing all that over again....long story very short. In my sitch exposure was a complete ACCIDENT...NON INTENTIONAL...I confided in a mutual friend that I thought there was at the very least an attraction between my WH and OW............mutual friend was supposed to keep this info in confidence...........SHE DID NOT.......SHE TOLD SEVERAL OTHER MUTUAL FRIENDS....Got back of course to my WH and also to the OW. This all took place before I found MB and learned about exposure. H of course was FURIOUS....I was also very upset as I thought as Heroswife did, it would ruin my M......Best thing I could have ever done....and it was all non intentional.LOL Did not end their R completely after that but it certainly was the turning point....not more than a month later they were done......and I didn't even have to sweat over exposing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tare

bumping up up up

Exposing definately helped in my case.

I exposed to DD and DS, (this devastated fws) and messed up his image of himself.

I exposed to my sisters for support. (This helped to maintain my sanity and realize I was still loved)

Saving the best for the last and what nailed the coffin shut on the affair, was exposing the affair to the director/administrator of the facility my MIL lived at and the ow worked at as an activities director. (FWS visiting his mother gave him cover to see ow daily and in the light)

Exposing to the place the ow worked, and my fws visited, embarressed fws so much, he did not visit after that and demanded that I move his mother out of the facility immediately without his help and he never put another foot inside that facility again.

It was weeks later before the fog started to lift and recovery started.

If I had not exposed, contact would have never ended, and who knows, the EA might have turned PA.

Hi all.
I've been away for a while. I often stop by to read the boards and see if there's anyone out there that I might be able to help. Not that I'm an expert by any means but because this site saved me and my marriage.

I think this thread and it's owner deserve most of the kudos!

I'm glad to see that people are still exposing and I hope that by reading this thread others are convinced that exposing is the right path for the BS.

Keep it going WAT!

Okay, I'm admitting that I didn't read this entire thread, because, well.....I'm tired.

Exposure is CRITICAL to destroying the Affair.

You have to make sure you hit targets which would be influential to either the WS or the OP.

Make SURE that you have a list of the people you are going to expose to, and do it ALL in one fell swoop. Don't drag it out. Do it all in one day....phone call, after phone call.....until you've exposed to them all.

Alot of BS's are scared to expose....you should be afraid NOT to expose.

YES your WS will be angry....but it goes away fairly quickly, and now the affair has tons of outside pressure, and the affair "bubble" begins to crack.....letting reality seep in.

Exposure is one of the most important parts of Plan A, don't be afraid of it.

I know that a lot of BS's are *ashamed* that their spouse has cheated on them, and that keeps them from exposing. DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED you have done NOTHING wrong.

DO NOT be afraid of your WS's anger......your marriage can withstand a temporarily angry spouse, it CANNOT withstand an affair.

God Bless,

-Caren

Anyone else notice anything missing on this thread?

Where are all the FWS's saying how glad they are that their BS's exposed?... Crowing about their better-than-ever marriages?... Claiming they harbor no resentment toward their BS's for exposure?

Or perhaps the real question is... do such creatures even exist?

My livin boyfriend of 6 years threatened that he would never talk to me again if I told his married girlfriends husband or his parents.....I told his parents right away and I told him I did.....I then tracked down his girlfriends husband and we had a nice long chat about an hour.....once I found out that my boyfriend and this girl were together out someplace and I called her husband and told him he showed up at the restaurant they were out....it wasn't pretty.....I then told his boss about the A since they were co-workers.....all his threats of he will never talk to me again....completely false.....once I cut off all communication with him.....he started calling emailing etc. made it a point to tell me he understood why I told.....his A was very quick less then a month....but once I kicked him out of the house he plenty of time to think about what he gave up it also made it easier on him to see her....I think we all need to do what we feel is correct for our situation.....in my case I needed to expose him....I also told a few close friends of mine......

Oh yes, there are several around here. In fact, several recommend it! [Lexxy, Suzet, and KiwiJ come to the top of my head] But the point is that it is not done to make the WS "glad;" it is to bust up the affair. A WS who is RECOVERED will not "resent" exposure. They get over it very quickly.

Key words: FWS's... on this thread.

smartcookie, here's the point I think you are missing. The BS has a choice between potential WS anger/resentment and the continuation of the affair. Continuation of the affair will destroy the marriage, temporary anger will not. Since exposure is ruinous to affairs, a little anger is very much worth it. The WS gets over it.

If a WS is sincerely remorseful about his affair and committed to rebuilding the marriage, they will not RESENT the BS for exposing them. Rather, a truly remorseful person would regret PUTTING the BS in that position in the first place. After all, it WAS the WS who put himself in that position. If they don't feel any remorse, then they probably have much greater problems than "resentment" over exposure.

And........................?

SmartCookie, I have to somewhat disagree with others. I am a FWW, and I confessed to my H without exposure. I do believe that the motives behind exposure must be carefully considered. If the WS is not ready to end the A, it will not happen and the resentment may affect the M, if it is salvageable. I don't think it is necessary to expose beyond the immediately involved people...not saying I have all the answers, just my perspective

Where are all the FWS's saying how glad they are that their BS's exposed

who said anything about the fws being glad...
who said anything about the fbs being glad,..

it's all sick and painful and twisted...

people here rarely crow about their better than ever marriages....

usually they both crawl on their hands and knees through glass to repair and correct....

yes smart cookie there are plenty of people who repaired their marriages post affair...and there are plenty of those that didn't....

very little of affairs or its fall out makes people GLAD

ARK

Allow me to reword my basic question: Where are all of these FWS's who've "gotten over it"? None so far on this thread.

I think it must be exposed within the married couple, but, outside of that, exposure can create long-term problems for the couple trying to recover their M.

Yep, I exist. At least I'm pretty sure I do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm a FWS (was a FBS, too...and I exposed to my parents and his, as well as our Pastor. OW's H already knew. I was ready to expose to their employers if A didn't stop, but I didn't have to.)

My H exposed my A to my parents. That was a horrible and humiliating conversation, and they didn't even know all the facts (it was PA)! But, I gotta say, that exposure sure helped me face reality in a big hurry! It put a big 'ol spotlight on my sin....sin hates light, ya know.

Am I thankful my H exposed to my parents? YES!
Did exposure help to end the A? Not 100% immediately, but YES!
Do I have a great relationship with my H now? YES! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lori

ETA: Obviously, I have "gotten over it." I'm grateful every day for the happiness I have with my husband. It is a gift I/we didn't deserve.

So? Am still not getting your point.