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I do not think it is morally correct to try to repair a M using humiliation and embarrassment as strategic techniques I've been here for years, and I don't recall anyone ever advocating humiliation and embarassment in order to stop an A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes exposure to others besides the spouse is recommended in order to garner more support for the marriage and to put additional pressure on the WS to end the A. But, I've only seen that recommended when the WS refuses to end the A completely. In which case, which will do more damage to the marriage?: The continuing affair or the exposure of the affair? If the WS won't end the affair, then exposure is absolutely the lesser of the two evils. And, in that case, a necessary one, IMO. Lori
VERY HAPPY! FBS/FWS; 47yo; M-29 yrs.; DS-26,DD-21; our affairs: 1990-'96
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I've been here for years, and I don't recall anyone ever advocating humiliation and embarassment in order to stop an A! Perhaps it is not advocated per se At Peace, but it certainly isn't discouraged. And when it happens, many posters are told in effect, "Don't worry about it. It's just a natural consequence of WS's evil actions. It's not your job to appease the WS. Let the chips fall where they may." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> A very reckless attitude, IMO, with so much at stake.
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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SmartCookie, you are so correct!!
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Quote:
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Smartcookie:
So the question is -- Does the WAY exposure is handled have any impact on the long term goal of saving and improving the marriage?
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It might.
But not as much impact as the residual resentment of the betrayed spouse.
Harley says that after the affair ends, the person most at risk for ending the marriage during recovery is the BETRAYED spouse. Because of all the resentment that the AFFAIR causes. Let's face it, infidel resentment from whatever form of exposure is not remotely justified compared to resentment for emotional or sexual infidelity.
There is a hierarchy of problems in the aftermath of adultery. Resentment about the method of exposure does not stand out amongst some of the more pressing issues.
Not to mention that the betrayed spouse has emotional needs as well. And some of those betrayed spousal needs get met by wide exposure.
safety <<< the more family/friends/co-workers who are aware of the affair, the more pressure to end the affair
support and counsel <<< often the betrayed feels he/she has no one to speak to and seek advice from
The marriage house is on fire .... if the firefighters need to douse everything in order to save the structure .... who is going to argue with them that they ought not to have used so much water because now the carpets are ruined ????
Does that make sense?
An affair is your house on fire. Put out the fire by any means available, then talk about what got wet fighting the fire.
Pep Pep, Yes it makes sense. It doesn't really answer my question. I appreciate your input none-the-less. --SC
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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If a WS is embarrassed and humilitated because their affair is exposed how is that the BS problem? They shouldn't be involved in an affair if the truth being told is going to humiliate and embarrass them.
I was told how right and true their love was - so why not shout it from the roof tops then??? Why be humilitated when people learn the truth? The humiliation and embarrassment should start when the affair does.
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Let the chocolate chips fall where they may! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
LOL
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MANY people do morally incorrect things, and we don't resort to telling people who have not business in it
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Exposure works where secrecy does not.
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MT wrote: ...but to have people you respect give you both love and express their dissapointment in your choices adds significant weight to one's internal scales. Yes. Yes. Yes. Brilliant!
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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I guess that it is all in the way you view the posts-
some FWS seem to have a perspecitve where they view all posts as being negative and bashing toward FWS. They think most posts and posters take joy in pointing out the 'evil ways' and throughly enjoy putting the FWS through a shameful and humilitating exposure. These FWS seem to be very vocal and continue to bring the same issues up over and over and over.
Some FWS don't see it that way as has been discussed on here many times.
Now for the BS. We are considered bitter and mean and evil for exposing the affair- no one is promoting that you take out an ad inthe paper that the WS is having an affair. What is advocated over and over and over is exposing to the other person's spouse even if the affair is over. It is also advocated that if the affair is actve or it is going to be difficult to maintain NC that more widespread exposure might be necessary. I don't think any of us will tell you to expose just for the heck of it.
I think most BS see exposure as a necessary evil. Come on, do you really think a BS enjoys having to tell other people their spouse is having an affair? Can you imagine how much that adds to the pain they are already experiencing? Exposing is not a trip to disneyland.
As for those who don't want to tell the OP even though the A is over, that makes no sense. I didn't find out til the A was over. FInding out gave me the opportunity to work on myself and my marriage. If I had not found out, we might still be really struggling. What kind of life is that?
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Well, to be honest humiliation IS a natural consequence of A's. It just IS. It was humiliating to stand in front of my parents and know that they were so disappointed in me. But it made me look OUTSIDE of the little fantasy bubble I had fancied myself to be in. I saw my A through THEIR eyes, and it was ugly.
Humiliation, yes. It's humiliating to a BS to have to tell her and/or WS's family -- or whoever -- that they're being cheated on. It's humiliating to the WS for those people to know that they're cheating.
If you knew that additional exposure (after OP's spouse) would HELP STOP THE AFFAIR, when nothing else is working...why not do it? If the WS refuses to give up his/her OP, then what have you got to lose by exposing? What's gonna happen...is your spouse gonna reject/humiliate/be mad at you?
I do understand what you're saying, SC. I just don't agree that the intention behind recommending wider exposure is the abject humiliation of the WS. The intention is to stop the affair and recover a marriage. The recovery can't even begin until the affair stops, so pussyfooting around with it will only drag things out longer.
Lori
VERY HAPPY! FBS/FWS; 47yo; M-29 yrs.; DS-26,DD-21; our affairs: 1990-'96
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Quote:
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Smartcookie:
So the question is -- Does the WAY exposure is handled have any impact on the long term goal of saving and improving the marriage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It might.
But not as much impact as the residual resentment of the betrayed spouse.
Harley says that after the affair ends, the person most at risk for ending the marriage during recovery is the BETRAYED spouse. Because of all the resentment that the AFFAIR causes. Let's face it, infidel resentment from whatever form of exposure is not remotely justified compared to resentment for emotional or sexual infidelity.
There is a hierarchy of problems in the aftermath of adultery. Resentment about the method of exposure does not stand out amongst some of the more pressing issues.
Not to mention that the betrayed spouse has emotional needs as well. And some of those betrayed spousal needs get met by wide exposure.
safety <<< the more family/friends/co-workers who are aware of the affair, the more pressure to end the affair
support and counsel <<< often the betrayed feels he/she has no one to speak to and seek advice from
The marriage house is on fire .... if the firefighters need to douse everything in order to save the structure .... who is going to argue with them that they ought not to have used so much water because now the carpets are ruined ????
Does that make sense?
An affair is your house on fire. Put out the fire by any means available, then talk about what got wet fighting the fire.
Pep Pep, Yes it makes sense. It doesn't really answer my question. I appreciate your input none-the-less. --SC Yes, I answered your question from my perspective ... MY answer was this "It might". But there are much more important indicators for recovery than the one of exposure technique.
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sfjaj
Does anyone know about your affair???????
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My H and several of my close friends whom I confided in
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Is there anyone your husband talks to about this??? Does the OM W know?
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My H has spoken with one of his close friends and our pastor. We have an appt. with an attny. this week before we tell the OMW as there is an OC involved
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Just felt compelled to give you one of these....(((sfjaj)))
Lori
VERY HAPPY! FBS/FWS; 47yo; M-29 yrs.; DS-26,DD-21; our affairs: 1990-'96
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I'm glad your h has someone to talk to. I feel horribly for the OMW.
My exh didn't want me to tell anyone - so I didn't and still regret it.
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MF, Not sure if you were refering to me in your post since you didn't name names, but I'd like to respond to some of your observations anyway. I guess that it is all in the way you view the posts-
some FWS seem to have a perspecitve where they view all posts as being negative and bashing toward FWS. Yikes! I certainly don't view these boards that way. Not at all. To the contrary -- I've been blown away many times by the compassion extended to me regarding my own sitch -- quite often from BS's no less. This exposure business is ONE area where I think a more careful and constructive approach toward the WS/FWS is warrented. They think most posts and posters take joy in pointing out the 'evil ways' and throughly enjoy putting the FWS through a shameful and humilitating exposure. These FWS seem to be very vocal and continue to bring the same issues up over and over and over. Again, not sure whether you were referring to me. But I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who's used the word "evil" so far on this thread, so I'll assume you were. However, I, nor anyone else to my recollection, ever suggested that the BS gets any joy out of exposing. If I implied that in any way, I didn't mean to. Do I think there may be one or two posters who actually get their jollies pointing out the WS's evil ways, and actually enjoy seeing WS's squirm as much as possible? Well, to be perfectly honest, yes, I do get that impression. Now for the BS. We are considered bitter and mean and evil for exposing the affair- No. Execpt perhaps by your own WS. Maybe there's no way to avoid that when exposing. I don't know. That's what I keep trying to explore here. Is there a way to handle/orchestrate exposure so that the WS is less likely in the long run to see it as retaliation... so that it doesn't become a barrier to recovery?
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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