I finally asked H to leave. Thought I was moving on to Plan B. I wrote a letter stating that I wanted no contact until he gave up OW. Well H keeps coming back. He hasn't been spending the night, but does show up to see our daughter at different times and wants to spend time in the same room with me. He is very kind and there is no fighting, but this is wrong isn't it? I asked him to leave tonight and that I was serious about no contact. He stated that I was pushing him to OW and that he would end up living with her and it would be my fault. And I could tell all my friends, counselor, and MB friends that I screwed up and lost him. In my heart, I think I did the right thing, but I'm scared. How do they want to come back if you aren't showing them anything? I did an excellent Plan A for almost a year. And yet WH still can't decide what he wants. If I let this continue, isn't he just getting both and using me? I feel like I am losing respect for myself by being the second woman. I am right aren't I?

He stated that I was pushing him to OW and that he would end up living with her and it would be my fault.

That right there should be the biggest red flag...

Gosh who knew you had so much power!!

that inability to take any responsibility for his actions is just sad...

you did the right thing...
you did the only thing that defines in actions that his choice and his decision are his ...

good job
he will either process this a little deeper and see the insanity of expecting to have a wife and a girlfriend...
or not...

great job...

ark

Yes, you did the right thing, but I would suggest doing 2 things:

1. set up an intermediary that will relay messages and visitation schedules

2. Don't let him back in your house - have him pick up your D for visits and don't allow him to take her around the OW

3. don't break plan b again or you will have no credibility and even LESS power in the future than you have now

that was blonde math, btw! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let him go to be with OW. That will be the best medicine for him. Once the fantasy collapses he will be back.

Don't quit Plan B, just when it is starting to work.

Well MelodyLane, my friends say I have blond roots so your math made sense to me. Anyway, H often takes days off to watch our daughter. How can I keep him out of the house? Does it work if i leave the house while he is here? I have heard of legal seperation, but won't that alienate him more. I know that H needs to have NC with me and I know that if I don't follow my letter and words that they lose respect and so do I, but i don't want to do anything to push him away further.

Cool duck,

You are right.A Plan A for a year is way more than enough time for your WH to make a decision either way but all he's done is park himself on the fence with a big heaping slice of cake.You have done a great job but now is the time to cut him off.Yes he is using you and you are second right now and losing respect all the way around.Say enough.Don't let him blame you for HIS actions.That is ludicrous.He is 100% responsible.

Now get all YOUR ducks in a row and make sure you follow the Plan B to a tee(NC letter out,intermediary,etc).Also,come over and join our Plan B support thread.We will help you.

O

What I find is funny is that WH keeps threatening to go to OW, but from what I can tell is only a EA is continuing by phone. WH has moved back home with his parents. I think he is questioning true feelings for OW, but so far it doesn't appear that he is physically going there. Not that it makes a difference, but if WH thinks OW is the answer why hasn't he jumped at it?

Why hasn't WH jumped at being with OW?

You already know the answer,he's CONFUSED and INDECISIVE.Basically what he has been the last year so don't keep questioning and trying to find a grain of hope in his mess.He has to figure this out himself without having you waiting in the wings as the dutiful wife.Pull the plug and take a bit of the easiness off for him.Up the ante.You can't help to pull him off the fence if he knows you are not going to do anything more but Plan A him.He will have no reason to change.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CoolDuck:
<strong> Anyway, H often takes days off to watch our daughter. How can I keep him out of the house? Does it work if i leave the house while he is here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find another sitter or make him take her to his house. Don't let him in the house or you will greatly undermine your PB. Plan B means you cut off contact with family life as he knew it. IT means NO CONTACT. If he gets to come home, he will NEVER EVER feel the consequences of his affair becuase he will DAILY get a family fix by coming home.

You are getting great advice. Sounds like your H is a big fence sitter. Please, please do NOT let him make YOU responsible for HIS actions. You deserve respect, and his continuing contact with OW is the ultimate in disrespect. I have only recently become much better in enforcing my boundaries. My H and OW continued phone contact for about two years after d-day, so I know how hard it all is, and how much you want to believe that he will finally get it. I truly think that with some of these cake eaters we have to force them to see and LIVE the consequences of their own actions. Plan B all the way. He needs to NOT be in the home for his fix.