My FWH had an ea with a former co-worker. It totally crushed me. It hurt that he could love someone else, that I was no longer "special."

During the time of his ea, I started being friendly with a guy who works in a similiar industry as I do and who shares a common outside interest. I was so lonely. I confided in him about problems with my teenager since he and his wife had been thru this with their kids. I'm usually a very reserved person, but I did let my boundaries down. I have always found him attractive sexually.

I know that recently my H has picked up that I like this guy more than other men that I work with. Before, he never had anything to worry about. In some sick way I was glad to see him a little jealous after what I had been thru with his ea.

I guess I see now the pull of an ea. Such an easy thing to fall into. But I like his wife. She is a sweet person. I would never want her to thing the horrid things I have thought about the OW in my life. I don't want to create any more pain in their M.

I know and I will limit my contact with him, but my god, how easy it would be to get into an ea. I guess at least I have some understanding of the other side. I don't want to cross that line, but I can see how tempting it is.

I just wanted to share my feelings. To express why I should not do this. Gosh, it looks so good at this time. But I know the pain it will cause in the future. I think my H feel into an ea accicentally. We were having problems in our M.

But I'm aware of the outcome of an ea. Even more for me not to go down this road. I want to, but I know I can't. Thanks for letting me express these feelings instead of walking into the fog.

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

Hi shay,

First,I am glad that you came here to vent about your feelings but why did you choose a married man to confide in about your problems?? You KNOW that is a slippery slope and you are so close to going down.

You have to have NC with this man right now and forever.You realize that don't you?? You are very vulnerable to an A and so he has to go,friendship and everything else.Do not risk becoming another stat here PLEASE! You have a lot of awareness about Infidelity so don't make any more mistakes.

O

Thanks for replying to me, O. Why a married man? Good question, but I don't have a good answer. I knew better, I let my boundaries down. I let myself go down that slope. I let my boundaries down, because I was hurting. That's no excuse, just poor judgement on my part.

Yes, nc. I deal with him sometimes with work, but I will have to keep it business only. I do want to work on my M. H and I have come a long way and the last thing I need is to derail it. I posted to vent and to get encouragement to do the right thing.

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

Now you know I can't let that *working with OM let slide.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm sure you are well versed in the MB principles so having ANY type of contact,whether it be business,lunch,watercooler,bumping into each other,passing in the halls,etc,etc,is forbidden.Don't fall into that trap either," It will just be about business" ,"I promise myself I will not talk to him about us romantically" etc,etc.You get the idea right? You can't be pardoned for any type of contact,plain and simple.I get this feeling that you think you can be business like and still get a thrill on the side,secretly.Perhaps not but honor your H and please avoid this OM like the plague,ok?

Good Night.

O

I'm not trying to make excuses but I do have to have business contact at times with this man. I cannot avoid meetings he is at, or avoid projects that he is on. I do understand nc, but I do have to work and the work does produce contact. Most of the time the business contact is very limited.

I have stopped the outside interest contact. I don't go out to lunch, I don't call him, we don't work in the same office, pass in the hall, water cooler, etc. So any "accidental" meetings aren't really possible.

shay919,

As long as you put your guard up, business contact is fine. This doesn't include one-on-one lunch or exchange of private life information.

-rh-

Shay,

I am in the same situation as you. I _have_ to see a coworker for whom I have an attraction and an opportunity for EA.

The problem I see is that this is like an alcoholic having to walk around with a bottle of whiskey in his pocket.

The temptation is going to constantly be there waiting for you to step into it. I wish you the best of luck.

I myself have been trying to convince my wife I have to quit my evening job (where I see coworker) to get away from this situation. She refuses to let me do it.

God bless,

Jg

Shay,

I completely understand how you feel. I'm at the point where I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being the good faithful wife. I've never had an EA or a PA, but at this time, if the right guy came along, I'm not so sure if I would want to be strong anymore.

I'm sick of all of this. While my H is basking in the attention of other women, I'm supposed to be loving and kind and sweet. This is all cr**. I'm not gonna waste any more time being in the background. Who is attending to my needs if I'm not?

Kati

Ok,Shay,

I hope it is possible for you to do what you said you would but if you go back and reread your first post,I'm not sure that the temptation can be so easily ignored.Just want you to be extra, extra cautious that's all,for your H's sake and for your marriage.

O

Shea, not sure what others would say, but the minute you decided to confide in the OM about your personal problems, without your spouse knowing about it,an EA began. The more contact,the longer the EA continues. Please,just stop.

Yes, the confiding in an OM is not right and has to be stopped. I know this very well. I do have to have business contact, but I don't have to have one-on-one contacts, discussions, etc. I don't see him very often at work, so it should not be a big a problem as a co-worker I would see everyday.

I am going to pay the price for laxing my boundaries by not letting the EA continue. The main problem was contact thru a common outside interest, and I have stopped that. This is tough, isn't? Sheesh. Like an AA member walking by a bar on the way home.

Shay:

How are you doing?

Remember, the advice given on this website is just that . . . advice, from an experienced marriage coach. These ideas didn't spring from the head of Zeus, fully formed and infallible.

It would be much easier for you to not have to see the OM. It would be much easier if you didn't work with him, ever. Sometimes life gets in the way a perfect-world scenarios. NC is the ideal case. If you cannot establish it completely, you need to be very careful not to ever be alone with the OP. No flirting, idle chit-chat, etc. You don’t have to be rude or a b@tch, you just have to be indifferent.

Pretend he has some terrible communicable disease and apply the proper distance.

Many here are Christians, yet they all still sin. All because they can’t live up to every aspect of their faith, no one is going to tell them not to try. O.K?

Cheers,

CN

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

I'm ok, cn. Thanks for asking.

I don't have contact with him on a day to day basis. My hubby does know what I have shared with the OM about the teenager. I have kept the M problems out of the discussions with OM.

My problem as I see it, is that a man I found attractive with a similiar interests was unintentionly filling my love bank while H was taking out of the love bank during his ea. At the time, H was trying to get me to kick him out, so he would have a reason to go back to OW. He was awful to me, but two ea's aren't right either. When the lightbulb finally went on as to what I was doing, I stopped the outside contact.

Fortunately, things are getting better with our M. He has very remorseful and we both are working to make things better. I don't want to be derail by something that is very tempting, but so very wrong.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

Shay, Just wanted you to know that I know how you feel too. I'm holding back from having a pa. I told my H that the next time I met a guy who turned me on, I was going to do the deed, just so he'd know how bad it feels. Btw I'm 51, so didn't think I'd get a good opportunity - I mean, they hardly fall out of the sky for a 51 yo. Can you believe 3 days later I met a guy, aged 50, who was drop dead gorgeous. He kinda did fall out of the sky too. I fly a lot, and he was a flight attendant on a long flight I was on. He and I got chatting in the early hours and we ended up hugging goodbye at the baggage collection and exchanging emails addresses. when I came thru customs, my H could tell the grin on my face wasn't for him. Anyway, we made contact thru the week and then he asked me to call him the next week he was in town, which I did. Just talking to him on the phone was bad enough. I had mixed feelings about it. Especially about his W. I told my H about it and he told me that if it makes me feel better, about what he did, I can see the guy again. H has been really nervous about it. <good> I've read all the discussions about revenge affairs. Anyway after the phone call, where the guy was trying to go in the direction of phone sex <yuk> I backed off. Even so, the attractions was so strong after, that I felt caged for hours later. If I were to see him again, I know it would be really hard to resist him. So I've let every day go past without contacting him. I know it's just a matter of riding out the attraction and staying away from him. Like you, I'm very, very hurt from my H going with OW half my age. I wanted to strike a blow for women - to make a statement: Two can play at that game. Yes even 50 yo women can't be written off as no longer desireable - and to me, what my H did was the worst crime in the book. My sense of justice told me my H deserves this completely. But the OM's wife doesn't deserve it. Damn! (I don't want to be the focus of that much hatred of another human being. It's bad karma for me!!!!)

So my advice is: resolve and resolve and then resolve! And bask in that feeling of knowing you are a worthwhile human being. You can die with a an easy conscience.

an, H's ow wasn't that much younger than me, but she was from Brazil. Something more tropical than me, with an accent. The lure of unknown and different. I felt like yesterday's garbage. As I told h once, I can't compete with Brazil!

He got to the point where he told me I was crazy and hormonal and he couldn't deal with my problems anymore. I was too angry, too sad. That I had to go to ic and get on HRT or he'd leave me. He however, spent hours trying to help ow get her green card so she could go back to work with his compnay legally. He would bend over backwards to help her, but he could help me out with anything. I stressed him out to badly.

Because he had clincal depression, he needed someone who was happy all the time like ow. Some thanks for 20 odd years of dealing with his highs and lows.

I was at the point where I was trying to do plan a, but if he didn't change by the time teenager graduated. I wasn't going to make past that point if something didn't change.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>