I have read your thread with great interest. My husband and I are in recovery, but I am still having a great deal of anxiety over the OW. She turned 24 last week, and I couldn't help but remember that last year, I gave a surprise party for her 23rd birthday at our home. That was just over a month before she and my husband began their 7 month affair.I see her several times a week. I know that the fact that my husband is a pastor keeps some folks riled up whenever I post, but I must tell you that if this young woman had cared enough for me to send MY husband a NC letter back when this mess began, I would feel very differently toward her now. You see, my husband told her that he had feelings for her (wrong, yes, I know!) and she jumped on that and began to pursue him as ardently as he pursued her.

He has never told her that he no longer loved her - he just ended contact - and I have the feeling that she is continuing to hang around in part because of that. So, he is going to tell her in no uncertain terms that he does not love her, and in fact never did love her. He said that he is also going to tell her that he has never loved anyone but me.(We've been married for 32 years). I will be present for this conversation. I think it will help me to get some closure on this, and perhaps it will help her, too.

Hang in there! I am praying for you.

Betrayed - I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. It is hard for those WS to get their heads out of the clouds. Is your husband still seeing OW??

ME - I apologize for your situation. My OW is sending a NC letter. I appreciate the fact that she regrets what she has done and that she is willing to make it right at this time. My WH, OW and I were very active in our church and that makes it hard. It is difficult to believe God has a plan with such evil but I believe that he does. I am praying for you and for everyone on this board. I hope things work out for all.

BTW I talked to my WH tonight and he was very pleasant. I know he is still saying he does not love me but we are having pleasant conversations and that is a start huh?

Wh claims he has had NC in over two weeks & that it has been the best time - he said he feels good about himself. He says that his head is clear for the first time in such a long time & he likes not talking to her.

He got bad news today at work & instead so - he took it out on his personal punching bag!!! This is why I am going to Plan B. Protect ME!!! Maybe w/ space, time, etc. we both can heal, maybe this is the only way back to each other. I pray for this - but today I was ready to throw in the towel - there is only so much a person can take.

After cooling down, I thought about what he means to me - I truly love him deeply & can't imagine not being in his life. Right now I don't mean as much to him, or so he says, but maybe as the old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. I will admit I am scared to go into this Plan, but I enabled him far too long.

BB2 - Yeah I know it is hard to be the punching bag. I feel like I have been one as well. Absense does make the heart grow fonder and if you love something let it go if it comes back to you it was yours. I am praying for you as well. I hope that this Plan will work for you. You can stay strong in this.

You lived with your husband during your whole Plan A? I am struggling with things I can do during Plan A to show my husband my changes. I had a pleasant phone conversation with him earlier but that is about all. He only calls at night to talk to the kids. Other than that I don't really talk to him. Fog is so thick.

Wh was here the whole time w/ the exception of last July he was on detail - that's when I discovered the A (Originally told it was an accident-1 time only) was still going on. That's when I got an attorney & he drove 5 hours after work to beg him to stay - he said grass was NOT greener on the other side. Then he had to go back to work - 5 more hours. Thought he truly loved me. But of course, that was just to get me OFF track - ongoing till 11/03 - Then it went to phone calls, then his B-day was in Feb she called him to meet her & gave him a card - told him to give himself a present & leave me! Nervy Huh.

But, I plan Aed & enabled it - wanted to believe him when he said he had no contact after 1/29.

How old are your children? Do you always answer the phone? If they are old enough, have themn answer & don't always get on. A few days of this he may wonder & start calling you at different times. When I went to may parents in Dec - I avoided all calls - he was afraid to call my parents home - so he kept calling cell - I just wouldn't pk/up - two days of that he called my parents home & my Mom caved. He missed me & loved me - had a taste of what it would be w/ NC from me. But came back - planned A and he went over OW's house on Christmas Eve - DD was up waiting for him came home at 11pm. I should have left then!

Wh was here the whole time w/ the exception of last July he was on detail - that's when I discovered the A (Originally told it was an accident-1 time only) was still going on. That's when I got an attorney & he drove 5 hours after work to beg him to stay - he said grass was NOT greener on the other side. Then he had to go back to work - 5 more hours. Thought he truly loved me. But of course, that was just to get me OFF track - ongoing till 11/03 - Then it went to phone calls, then his B-day was in Feb she called him to meet her & gave him a card - told him to give himself a present & leave me! Nervy Huh.

But, I plan Aed & enabled it - wanted to believe him when he said he had no contact after 1/29.

How old are your children? Do you always answer the phone? If they are old enough, have themn answer & don't always get on. A few days of this he may wonder & start calling you at different times. When I went to may parents in Dec - I avoided all calls - he was afraid to call my parents home - so he kept calling cell - I just wouldn't pk/up - two days of that he called my parents home & my Mom caved. He missed me & loved me - had a taste of what it would be w/ NC from me. But came back - planned A and he went over OW's house on Christmas Eve - DD was up waiting for him came home at 11pm.

I wish my OW would have the half the integrity your OW has - mine claims to hate me & my WH, calls me a "Creepy b*tch" - and will not leave him alone. Doesn't want him, but still calls him - quite hard to figure it out.

BB2 - My kids are 7 and 3. I can let my D answer the phone. It would be fine. I have not called him at all. I did last night because he called twice while I was out with a friend and I wanted to see what he needed. He was very pleasant. I guess I am not completely understanding your situation. He says that he loves you and missed you when you were with your parents but you are moving and doing Plan B?? Why is that??

I was such a bad wife before the A. We had SF problems and all sorts of stuff. I completely turned around when he started telling me he did not love me. I guess I did not realize the damage I was doing. I loved him the whole time but had issues that would not allow me to show it. Now that I have made changes he thinks they are all fake and that I only chaned because I NEED him to stay. I don't NEED him at all. I love him. Too bad he can't see it with all the fog.

My OW has been wonderful. She is taking so much responsibility and trying to make it right. It is amazing. Anyone would have to give her credit huh???

Dear Hope.
I was wondering if you noticed this message to 'very regretful' from Christy V?

I thought it was very insiteful and you might feel the same.

I wish you luck in 'healing' your marriage.
Maybe it takes work more than luck and it takes willing partners also.
Sincerely, Julie

************************************************

ChristyV
Member
Member # 33532

posted May 14, 2004 09:57 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, am impressed with the sense of remorse, openness, and interest in rebuilding your marriage. All the current BSs on the site dream for spouses like you. I treated my WH like gold before I found out, after, and for months and months until he moved out...and he was always the most upright, integrity driven, Christian man I have ever known, and now...he is so lost.

Anyway, I wanted to respond to a question you posed about your H making a total about face, and questioning the sincerity and permanency of that change.

Let me share that I was disrespectful, caustic, angry, controlling, and the OPPOSITE of submissive. I was living totally contrary to God's command for a wife.

And I assumed this was a "dynamic" that worked for us. It was stupid, immature, and completely ridiculous to think that my treatment of H would be acceptable to him, or any man for that matter, but I did. I just thought, hey, I wear the pants in the family, and he is alright with that. And I lose my temper and say mean, disrespectful things...but he knows I do not mean it.

I ASSumed all of that because my H did not display his unhappiness the same way I did. In other words, if I was unhappy, trust me, EVERYONE knew about it. My mouth was out of control...and I inflicted a lot of damage with my tongue (I obviously had not read the book of James, and heard the analogy of the mouth being compared to the pits of hell). When he was unhappy, he just withdrew. He pulled all tha pain, and anger, and dissapointment inside of himself, where it sat and festered. And he did not say a word...but he withdrawal a little. But I just say that as him being tired, or stressed, or surrending to my controlling ways.

When I found out about the A, a giant, 2 x 1 million hit me smack dab in the forehead, and I was so shocked into reality...that it took my breath away.

When my H came home from an international trip and told me he did not love me...I was shocked.
One day I was hurting so badly, that I prayed fervently for God to help me. I happened to turn on the Christian radio station, and heard a focus on the family broadcast. It was a guest speaker, Emerson Eggerichs, and he was talking about how women need love, and men need respect. He talked about Ephesians 5, and all the things the bible says about marital relationships.

And in that moment, I cried and cried and cried.

The fact was, I DID feel immense love and respect for my H. He was my hero. I admired every single thing about him. Really and truly. But I naively thought my careless treatment of him was ok with him, because he loved me unconditionally. No matter what. And he HAD to know I admired and respected him, right?

God told me WRRRRROOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

And in that moment, He changed my heart. And it wasn't false or fake or me acting a certain way to keep my H...it was sincere, because I did truly respect and admire him, I had just done a terrible job showing him.

A WEEK LATER, I found out about the A.

And in all of that, I treated him respectfully, NEVER saying a mean or cruel thing about him, or her, or the situation. Just tried to reason with him to give our M another shot.

I now hope and pray those several months while he was here, experiencing what life with the changed me could be like, that it planted some seeds that will someday bring him home.

The A, dismantling of our M, and all the pain and betrayal and confessions, and finally, communication about what he was feeling, enduring before he committed the A, all of it, was out there, and it was what I needed to finally see what part I had played to help us get to where we were at that point.

And maybe, it was realized too late.

But I bet, it was a permanent change.

--------------------
BS, me- 31
WH- 31
M- 9 yrs, 2gethr 13 yrs
10/03- H said "IDLY" & started Plan A
11/03- d-day
3/2/04- WH moved out
3/23/04- Started Plan B
I am taking one day at a time. God, your will be done, not mine!

H & F -

We really only had one problem before A. That was pretty much our financial situation. My WH was constantly worrying & I was always saying things would get better, but it was always very tight. He made him feel less like a man - not being able to provide the best life for his family. Also, I think he thought I was carefree about it - believed I didn't care about it. This was not the truth - I worried constantly, just thought if I was optimistic he would worry so much. Wrong!

My makeshift Plan B is twofold. First, it will allow me to protect myself & daughter from further hurt. My WH called his mother this morning and told her his tongue got him into trouble again. She knows all to well that he has a razor sharp tongue!! He apoligized last night for hurting my feelings, etc.

Secondly, my Plan B will allow me to work while staying at my parents. Currently, I am a SAHM, we only have one car and it is impossible where we live for me to use public transportation (we have none)to commute to a job. My mom will watch my DD while I go to work (24 to 30 hrs) & it will help w/ bills.

Thirdly, my WH thinks if the financial strain is lifted and he has time to work on him, clear his head, etc. he will want us back. See right now he states, he loves me just not the way I should be loved. Maybe this is still fogtalk, but he is adament about not having contact and really enjoying NC. He claims he can actually see clearly now. He said last night that he finally realized what he did to his family, he did not think about me or his DD. It that hurts him tremedously, that he was that selfish.

My OW was always very jealous of me and my family. We had a very loving relationship. She did not. I watched my DD's 1st Bday party video & my OW was literally hanging ALL OVER my WH - I was the one that taped it - it just showed how much blind faith I had for both my WH & OW.

I do feel better each night WH talks clearer & remenants of his old self are visible. I am only going to hold off talking for one month right now - but who knows I may or may not extend that. I am looking forward to having a network of support to get thru the hard times. This past year I only had DD and obviously could not discuss this w/ her. I lurked on MB for so long, I wish I got on sooner. The reading the concepts helped though, but I think the forum is essential for keeping the sanity - no one in my family has experienced this and have no idea what we are going thru.

Keep posting! Take care!
Barbara <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Blessed Time -

ChristyV sounds just like my situation. I was quick with my tongue and never really treated my husband with much respect. My husband is a man who would have done anything for me and he never once mentioned his unhappiness. When he started telling me that he was not in love with me I was completely thrown. I did not realize he was unhappy. I completly kicked it up a notch but he thought it was fake. He said to me "how come you did not love me until I was ready to walk out the door?" I did love him and through my IC I have learned that I have a hard time showing it and I needed to make more of an effort.

It does talk lots of work and willing partners. My WH is not willing. His exact words are "I don't want to work on it". I hope this is still fog talk and that he will come to the realization that I do love him and want to make our marriage a happier place to be.

Betrayed -

I understand how you feel. I had complete faith in my WH and FBF. I would never have thought. Once the affair started though I had begun to get suspicious. It is so funny though my OW has done so much for me at this point that I actually miss having her as a friend. I am going to have to take that one to therapy.

My WH is not even a fraction of what he used to be. I don't see him in there right now. I hope it is all fog talk, his hurtful statements. I love him with all my heart and want him back but he does not even want to try or communicate. However he has called 3 times today. Just to ask me questions about kids and other stuff. The one call he said "Oh I forgot what I called for" I said "ok well then I will talk with you later" I am trying to cut off the conversations first like someone recommended. This is the first day I have talked to him more than once. Please pray for me. Maybe he will come out of this fog????

Hi Hope -

I am happy for you regarding OW. It is wierd, I don't hate my OW, I actually feel bad for her. I don't however miss her. It was alot of work being her friend. She was always jealous, she always found faults in others, but I just accepted her that way because she had a hard childhood. My Mom said I alwys took home strays - people not animals. She said I found it my cause to take car of "injured birds". At first I missed her terribly, hurt so much that she thought so little of me, but I made my peace. My family thinks I let her off easy. I don't think so - she lost alot - me, my WH & my daughter. We were like sisters.

I am glad about conversations w/ your WH. My WH made same time of calls - always felt they were an excuse to call, check-up on me. Maybe w/ time not talking to OW with get his head "clear". Keep strong.

I am about to post my Plan B letter, need it critiqued. Please take a look - see what I am missing. Stay strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks,
BB2

I don't hate my OW either. I actually miss her quite a bit. She was my BF an it was EASY to be her friend. However I know that we will never again be friends. People think I am crazy for still caring so much for her after what she did but as you know she is very remorseful and everyone makes mistakes. It could happen to any of us.

I hope that my WH will come out of the fog. I hope the NC letter knocks him right out of it but I am highly doubting it will. As a matter of fact, I am thinking he is going to get quite angry and more than likely take it out on me. I think he very much blames me for the A being over. I was so close to discovering it that the OW spilled her guts and all hell broke lose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . I have to remember to stay calm and not LB when he gets cranky at me. I am sure it is going to happen.

I am going to go and check out your Plan B letter again BB2.

Hope -

After learning about A and learning that sometimes I think WH actually provoked me to LB to ease his conscenious - I started to mentally count to 100, then I would begin again till I cooled down. Sometimes it would take as many 6 times to calm down, but it worked - I would walk away & he'd realize I would not take the bait - goal accomplished - No LBs.

Things have been better since I began packing up my things - I think he is starting to realize what he is going to loose. Last night, he said he was truly sorry about all the lies & pain. He went onto to say he didn't think about what he was doing to me or to my daughter - that is what pains him the most - his selfishness. So I think fog is definitely lifted. He has called several times today to apologize for his hurtful statements yesterday & see how everything is going. He made a joke about his tongue being a knife - he said he is going to work on that problem.

I hope my Plan B will be short. I bought a beautiful card that just states "LOVE" & has a real rose pressed into it. I am going to put my letter into the card and give it to him at the airport - right before I go through security. That way I won't know it's effect till I call when I land - 6 hours for it to sink in & then I go dark.

Keep strong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BB2

Hope, I've posted to you before under another name. It all sounds secretive but you'll understand when you read the next bit.

I'm a FWS and I'm a bit uncomfortable replying to a post because I know the circumstances here. Do you mind if I reply to the person? I'm not sure quite what to say to the person.

I hope this makes sense to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Beenherebefore

BB2 -

The card is a great idea. I think your letter is good too. You leave on June 1st right??? I am glad that your WH feels bad for the hurt he has caused. So far I am not sure my WH feels even a pinch of remorse for what he did. He will say it is wrong but he did not love me. We had always talked about how we did not believe in D and now that is all he talks about is how I won't be his wife anymore. Hello!!

I will try your counting thing. I have been so much better at biting my tongue but the first time WH moved out he would inevitably catch me off guard and I would open my BIG mouth. I am so sure he will be a little cranky when he gets the letter that he will try to push all of my buttons. Any other good strategies would be great?? I thought that he is coming here to watch the kids Monday night and I thought I would leave his favorite dessert on the kitchen counter with a nice note welcoming him home from vacation. Maybe that will ease some of the pain/tension first huh??

Hope...you might have missed the post just before yours as you were posting at the same time.

I do not understand the message but maybe you will?
Love, Julie

Jenny

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Hope -

The dessert thing - very good idea! I made my WH a Banana Cream Pie - his favorite - no one could match Grandma's - a few months back when he was at his all-time meanest. Definitely softened him. He was only mean when he had contact w/ her - it was strange.

I love to cook - but I tried lots of new recipes - extra special. I also put notes, cards etc in his lunch - he reads them now from time to time. I would just say little things like "Hope you have a great day! I'll love forever and always!" He saves everything I write - he even has one in his gym bag.

He used to work nights & I would get up before he would get home & "beautify" myself - cute PJs, brushed hair, etc - wanted to always look good. It was long and painful to get him to notice, sometimes I thought he saw right through me as if I wasn't there - but it's been 14 months & he tells me things like OW wasn't anywhere as nice, pretty, smart as I am - so I guess it sunk in SLOWLY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Been -

I am not quite sure I understand but please feel free to post to the other person. I am not exactly sure what you are refering to. I have some idea but if you could give me another clue as to who you are and who other person is I will try to figure it out.

Hope