Jenny

PS I'm going to edit this as soon as you've seen it.

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

BB2 -

Yeah I am hoping my dessert thing will help ease some of the pain. I like to do nice things for him but he is not very accepting at the moment. I wish he would notice me a little more. When we went to Florida right after DDay my WH told me that he loved me more than OW and that I was prettier and smarter and all that stinking jazz. Then we came back and I was nothing again (I think because he was driving by the OW house and dreaming of her).

I am hoping my Plan A works.

I got it. Please go ahead and post. I highly encourage anyone who needs support to come to this board. It is not about recovery not about discussing an A. It is about supporting each other to get through one of the most horrific experiences of one's life.

Hope -

My WH is a man of such strong convictions & intregrity, he would have lucid moments where I thought that contact indeed ended and he would be so loving. Then the needy OW would call him or he would call her to see how she was & boom back to fog land.

But it is still very new for you, with your OW writing a NC letter & your Plan A - I'm sure your WH won't be in fog land as long as my FOOL.

You are going to have good days as well as bad ones. At this point, my pain is the fact that he gave his heart to someone other than me. I am not a jealous person at all, but that part made me jealous of her for a time. I am handling that one day at a time. But deep down, I think he stayed because he does love me.

I am stronger as each day goes by, but boy, do I long for my H to hold me and truly only want me!

Stay strong!
BB2

Hope, that is a very nice reply. I agree with you. It IS about supporting each other.

Thank you.

Jenny

BB2 -

My WH is also a man of integrity and has always had high morals. I know that he landed in this A because I was not doing a good job meeting his EN. I can understand why he can say he LMBNILWM. His love bank had run dry. I take responsibility in this A (although my family thinks that is the craziest concept in the world:). I know deep down he does still love me and has to come out of the fog. Time is what it will take and patience (never been so good at that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I hope the NC letter and a few weeks of a good Plan A will do the trick and put us on a path of recovery.

I think having so much integrity and a good moral standing almost makes it harder on the WS because they feel so guilty and don't know how to handle that guilt and responsibility. They find it hard to understand how they could have been lead into something that would hurt so many. I get to a point where I feel bad for the WS out there. Kinda weird huh?

Hope -

My WH keeps apologiazing for the hurtful things he said two days ago. I told him last night the most hurtful thing the past 14 months has been that he gave his heart away to someone other than me. Just saying that now causes me so much pain.

His reply was that he doesn't think he gave it away in hindsight. But, he did tell her several times he loved her - so the damage has been done. I am working really hard to overcome that feeling.

About you causing affair - my IC said that there are "50 Ways to Avoid An Affair" - our WHs could have refrained from having one & come to us instead of talking about us to our BFs. They choose to be weak, we may have not been meeting their ENs, but we did not say go ahead cheat on me. My WH has asked will I date when I am gone and my reply was not I can't, because of two little words "I DO". Told him I meant my vows - till death do us part!

My WH did a good job of not meeting my ENs for years, maybe that was half our problem. He worked for 6 yrs from 9pm till 8am - 5 days a week, I was soooooo lonely, but I never said anything. So, maybe he thought I didn't need him. We both swept it under the proverbial rug.

Hopefully, we can both learn & grow and be better wives to our WH. Wishing & praying for the best outcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BB2

BB2 -

I don't think us not meeting out WH emotional needs gives them an excuse to have an A. I think the WS should come forward with their issues and work them out. I just think I have some responsibility for the affair. Unlike your WH, my husband did a great job at meeting my emotional needs during our marriage. I was the one who did not meet his and that lead him to his affair. Then after the A and he moved back in I really pushed him to work on our R. Big mistake on my part, I should have shown him that home and myself were a safe place to come. I hope he realizes that very soon, with a good Plan A.

I am proud of you for sticking to your guns about not dating and hanging on to hope. It is sometimes so hard to hang on when you feel no hope. Your WH seems to be coming around so my prays are with you for a full recovery. Will you still be able to access the site once you move??

Hope -

I think my Wh had a few problems after the baby was born, I think he was further down my list, then I stopped working became a SAHM, financially we were still acting like 2 salaries were coming in - reality hit hard. And of course, my OW did alot of stroking his ego - so many people saw this - didn't say anything about it.

I do think he took the coward's way - lying, having the A. I admit I think I lost some of my identity after the baby - became Mom & Housewife - starved for adult conversation. Plus I gained weight (I lost 50 lbs), WH has been working out since he was 14 yrs old - very important to him. MY OW asked him to help her workout at the gym, which of course he obliged.

Yes I am going to take my computer and just about everything else!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The strange part is WH claims he no longer wants OW, claims this is only a "break", hopes he can fall in love w/ me again, thinks he just needs to "clear his head". He is telling everyone that we are separating just for AWHILE - the summer.

Then why are we doing this? How can you fall in love being away, not talking? I planned my Plan B after he screamed at me he wanted a DV - I said I would leave w/ DD, no contact & he could get our financial situation cleared up and file for DV. All that on 5/3, then on 5/4 it seemed like this was a mutual decision. Which of course, it was not mutual, I was calling him on his threat.

I just wonder if the time away and the no contact he'll miss me. In the 12 yrs we have been together, we have talked daily accept 1 day last December. I just don't know. I am truly scared that he'll be happy w/out me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep strong - I'm trying too!

BB2

BB2

It is a scary thing but I am sure he will miss you. I am scared that my husband will be happier without me. He threatened DV as well. He has not filed yet so...I hope he just needs some space and time to miss me. It is hard for WS to see the love that had for the BS before the affair. It is like the A takes over their mind. It is like a fantasy that they never want to leave. I think it is so hard to understand because we have not been there. If we had had the A then we would be acting the same way.

I don't know if you believe in God or not but I went to church this morning and the minister said something that really dawned on me. He was talking about repenting for our sins and that repenting is all about turning. Turning around and running into a God who loves you and who is waiting for you with open arms to accept you and help you renew your heart. It meant so much to me. I feel like that is me. I am waiting for my husband to turn around and come running to me so I can renew his heart. It takes time but I believe it can happen.

You have never not talked to your husband?? So do you think you are ready for Plan B?? I can't imagine not talking to my WH. We only talk about the kids but it still helps to hear his voice and know he is ok.

Hope -

No never not talked to him, just that one day - December 13th to be exact. Everyone thinks we talk way to much as it is! Today alone - 7 times.

He said he is in so much pain. He said the day he takes DD & myself to the airport & returns to the house - he is dreading it - said he has realized he is not a good person & needs to work on it. He says things like I already miss you. But, how? Just because we have been together for so long & not knowing the future? I know we never know what the future will bring - but I always thought we would be together conquering it.

I am ready for Plan B - I can not experience anymore D-days - last one being 4/29 (text message) - it hurts too much. I need to get strong - I need my family. I am currently living so far from family & friends & the only friend I had Wh slept with. I think the summer will be good to go back east & find ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just thought alot in bed last night - what if fog talk is something a BS made up to ease the pain? Stuff like that - it brought me down. I know not rational but sometimes this all seems so overwhelming. See why I need to get out of here - I think TOO MUCH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (LOL)

I want my H back NOW - but like I told you - this is a marathon, not a sprint!!!!!!

Oh, I think the Dv threats are always really common. I think it's a way to keep our mouths shut.

And I know about hearing his voice - WH has a beautiful laugh, oh boy!

Oh BB2 you sound way to much like me. I think way to much too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . One of my biggest problems is that I over analyze everything and I mean everything. I do not believe fog talk is something that BS made up. To many stinking WS do it. It hurts so bad though.

I know DDays are no fun. My WH caled the OW the day he moved out because he just thought she would want to know he was getting a DV. That hurt!!

I have found that being on my own has been great for my self-esteem and finding me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I have tried to hang out with some of my other friends (not the one I lost) and spend more time with my kids. I have also been trying to focus on things that my WH hated about me. I never used to like to spend the night alone in the house by myself and he was sure my mom would move in as soon as he left. Well two weeks later I am staying in the house alone by myself and loving it.

On your trip work on yourself, make new friends, excel in your new job (do you know what job you are going to be working at yet?), and spend time loving that DD. You sound like a wonderful woman and you will make it through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope -

Thank you for the support. I am going to work for my Sister's company temporarily doing an audit. It may turn permanent. Keeping figures crossed. I have DD registerred for preschool in September and I am looking into swim classes for the summer. I plan to join a gym (just closed my membership here) so when WH comes to visit in August - I'll still be fit!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The one good thing about this - I went from a Size 16 to a Size 6!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My Wh thinks I look better now than I did in the whole time he has know me. (I'm about 10lbs lighter now when we met - I was an 8 then)

I am so happy that you are accomplishing things your WH thought you would make you cave. I will be sending lots of prayers your way!! My mom just said that there is a prayer to St James that you say for 15 days or so and it will show you the way.

I feel better having spoken w/ mom - looking forward to seeing family, etc. And I definitely appreciate your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It seems that I have hogged your thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />