My H left me just over a week ago. I knew something was right, he'd been acting different, so I asked him to talk to me, but instead he said he was leaving. All he can tell me is that he is unhappy in our marriage. He can't or won't tell me what made him so unhappy. Like I said, I knew something was up, but I never thought things were nearly that bad for him. I wish I had seen the signs. I wish he would have talked to me sooner, before things got so bad he felt he had to escape. I've tried to contact him and talk to him, but he says he needs time to clear his head before he can tell me anything. He doesn't know how much time... maybe a week or two, maybe months, maybe even more! I don't think I've been handling myself very well when I have spoken to him. I am hurting so bad that I can't stop crying still. I can't eat & I am barely able to get any sleep. I am a complete wreck! I want to try to begin working on plan A... but should I really try? I want to "make some deposits" into his love bank as I believe he is past bankrupt. What can or should I do? I don't have the books yet, but plan on ordering them when I can (when he left me, he left in the middle of the night. I had $4 in my checking account & NO source of income as I am a full-time student right now & the plan was that when I finished school & got a good job, he could quit work & go to school full-time).

Any advice greatly appreciated! I need all the help I can get.

I am sorry for the reason you are here, but I'm glad you found us...this is a great site filled with wonderful, helpful people each in different stages of infidelity, marital bliss, trouble, and recovery (not necessarily in that order).

Read EVERYTHING you can from this site. Ask specific questions. Do some REAL soul-searching.

First thing I did was REALLY explore what part I had to play in the demise of my Marriage...not affair, but demise. Write out what part you played, and then work out a plan to change those behaviors and attitudes. Read about LB's and EN's and begin CUTTING OUT ALL LB's (sorry to yell).

You will need to contact H about money and support. Do so after you have read about Plan A. It is time to implement Plan A...really make some changes in your M, and begin at home!!! (with yourself).

No, you are not to blame for the A, but you can change your part to make it a better M.

There was no affair that I know of. And I believe that there wasn't. H is just "unhappy." So, then, do I contact him? What do I say? I'm terrified he'll resent any contact I try to make. I don't know what to do, but I certainly don't want to do anything to make it worse. I just can't decide which is worse, making contact & doing my best with plan A or honoring his wishes for his time?? I don't feel I can wait for him to contact me to implement plan A if I'm going to do it as he has told me that he needs this time to decide whether or not he wants to work on the marriage or just quit. He knows I want to work at it, he's trying to decide whether or not he does. So if I wait, he may make a decision to end it without my having a real chance to salvage it. I've read through the website again & again. I'm still learning & finding new things. I just feel like I can't think straight right now and I could really use some GOOD advice from the "people in the know" (not just the stuff some of my friends try to sell me).

OK, I have yet another question. Would it be feasible to ask him to wait until I have read some books & educated myself & began implementing the changes within myself before making a final decision? Can I ask him if he will read the books that I find helpful, also? I am so lost here! This man is the first & only love of my life. We started dating when I was 15 years old and married when I was 18. We were young & naive, but we WERE in love! I have never loved & lost before. I don't know how to deal with it. I am on antidepressants, but I don't know whether they are helping? Can it possibly feel any worse than this?

WHB,

I think he is in an A and I think you should ask him to move back home and give you some time (don't commit to a specific amount of time) to improve yourself.

WHB -

I have to agree with the last post. My WH moved out and said that he need space and that he was unhappy in our marriage and that we were never really in love. Well guess what we were in love and he was having an affair with my best friend. We are also a young couple, who were very much in love. I would advise you not to ask him to read the books that you find helpful. My WH did not take well to that. If your H is in an A he will not be willing to let you meet those needs until he is out of it and probably will not be willing to read the books.

Where is he staying??

He is staying at his brother's... which is an hour & a half commute to & from work everyday. I have asked him to come home & give me some time, but he will NOT do it. He says I've had 9 years to get it right. He says he needs time away from me to clear his head so he can make "good, smart decisions" rather than "emotional decisions."???

So... I still don't know... should I be calling him? Should I just call daily & make small talk & remind him that I still care? He hasn't exactly asked me not to call at all (although I think that IS what he would prefer)... just not to try to talk him into coming home or committing to trying to work on us.

Don't beg and plead, that will just push him further away. Odds are he is having an A. The first thing I was asked when I told people that my W moved out because she isn't happy and doesn't want to be married anymore was "Who is her boyfriend?". I didn't know, didn't want to believe but soon dicovered my W was actually my WW and had had a previous A about 7 years ago during another "unhappy" period. Check phone bills, emails, etc. Find the truth (he won't tell you) then decide how you want to proceed. Having said that like its easy, this is our 3rd serious trouble time in our marriage and I am like a ping pong ball- lets try to work it out, lets get on with the DV.....
Also, you have to take care of yourself. You should consider seeing your Dr. for antidepressants and sleep aides. Eat at least one well balanced meal a day.