Originally posted by DadandHusband:


It is a book on how to make men happy and in turn your man will make their wife happy. That is not at all different from the love bank concept.

Thank you very much for sharing so fully of yourself.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Originally posted by committedandlovingit:


I am holding off until the second book in the series is introduced...

Proper Care and Nurturing of Wives". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, actually, on today's radio broadcast (not the Dr. Laura show, but "Focus On the Family")

Laura says that because women are much more complicated ~emotionally~ than men ... such a book is impossible. Her books premise is that men are actually VERY simple to please... whereas women... we're much more complicated when it comes to pleasing us.

Pep

OK,

Let's see, how to respond to this?

First of all, now Divorced due to H's infidelity, and since I discovered this site, I (also) has managed to amass a very vast library of M/Help, Self/Help, Relationship/Help books!

The reasons for div. are very simple and straight-forward.......I was a terrible W: NO sex (I was angry at him all the time!) indifferent to HIS EN's, constant LB's, DJ's, you name it, I prolly did it wrong!

What did HE do wrong? Sorta the same things.....didn't address my EN's, didn't want to talk to fix waht was wrong, MAJOR Conflict Avoider, who would rather WALK AWAY than work to fix something that was fixable.

So after he walked away (we didn't have a "D-Day", he just LEFT one day), I found this place and began finding out exactly how we got to this place.

So - fast forward to today - and in my attempt to fix myself (I remind myself of Cali - school teacher who read everything every summer to improve herself) I basically bought this book to help me become a better candidate for a W. And b/c I kinda like Dr. Laura.

I think she is very direct....yes, can be a turn-off for some, but I think she's already had questioners sift through a bunch of garbage ahead of time with the caller, so as not to waste a lot of air time w/details, so she knows what she wants to zero in on by the time the person is on air.

So, after all THAT, what do I think? I think she's GOT IT TOTALLY ON TARGET!! I DO think men are "simpler" than women. I actually think Dr. Phil said the same exact thing on HIS show today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
His exact quote was: "When it comes to the whole feelings, relationship thing, men don't get it"

I would be willing to bet just about every MM here would answer in the positive that they'd LOVE their W to read it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Personally, I figure what have I got to lose? Everything it says to do in the book, I did just about the opposite, and am now divorced, so maybe she's on to something!!!

In conclusion, I liked the book, I thought there was probably way more truth than fiction to it, and I only hope and pray that someday I'll get a chance to practice some of what I've learned over the last 3 years (including this stuff from Dr. Laura).

God Bless,

Originally posted by lupolady:

In conclusion, I liked the book, I thought there was probably way more truth than fiction to it, and I only hope and pray that someday I'll get a chance to practice some of what I've learned over the last 3 years (including this stuff from Dr. Laura).

Thank you!

So are you dating????

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Pep,
I thumbed through the book one day at lunch. Dr. Laura put a disclaimer that these methods only work on ‘good men’. I would have thrown that book at my exH. The more I did for him, the more he expected. He had such a sense of entitlement, it just zapped the love out of anything I tried to do for him.

I’m not much on the title… I don’t like that it implies I’m doing something ‘improperly’ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I’d say I’m about 80% Dr. Laura Approved, as far as PC&FofH goes. I’m sweet and caring towards my H. I don’t cut him down, embarras, or disrespect him. I give him that soft place to land. My H is much different than I am… (note 4 letter opposites, Myers Briggs wise). I’m neat, precise, brainy, H is ‘casual’ and fun. I work hard to not let my nit-picker out. I always wanted to be my H’s soft spot… I never wanted him to think I was a naggy W. I’d say the 20% I’m neglecting is letting my H be the ‘leader’ of our ‘family’. To me, since it’s just he and I, we each need to be the best person we can be… titles like ‘leader’ don’t really apply, we both agree. My H is a sweet, passive guy and I take charge of mosh pits to get the ‘kids’ going… (I really just did this, H laughed his a** off). So I naturally take charge of things in our life but am more than willing to negotiate anything and change directions on a dime. I love him dearly and don’t want to do anything to hurt him.

As D&H said, it would take so little to make him happy, and it’s the same with my H. I cant tell you how happy he was that I cooked for him. His exW thought he wasn’t ‘enough’ to cook (why cook for only 2, and she wasnt good at it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) for so he ate fast food all the time. Seriously, he about cried the first time I made him a pie. I’m thinking ‘that poor boy… this should be easy’… and it was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Be sweet to him, cook for him, SF his brains out… voila: he was mine! He is so grateful. He’s always getting me flowers and gifts. He does at least his fair share of the housework, gives me back & foot rubs, ‘can I get you a glass of wine, honey’… I swear, I wonder how I got so lucky.

I like Dr. Laura, and do not think she is a hypocrite, and wonder why people insist she is. She doesn’t seem that different than many of the people here. It took her a while to get her life together. She did stay home with her kid; she worked after he started school and would NOT travel without her family to support her show. She screwed up in her younger years but seems to be living the staight and narrow NOW. She seems to have learned from her mistakes. If I’ve learned anything here, it’s a little compasion. I don’t always agree with her either, but I like her. Just my 2 cents - Dru

3. If you are a MARRIED WOMAN have not read this book .... tell me why not. Does the title turn you off? Does the author (Dr. Laura) turn you off?


Hummm is it valid that I didn't knew about the book or the author?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I really loved the message of the book and only wish I had it in my last marriage. I would not be on marriage #3 if I knew all this back then. I can just say that alot of her advice is the same thing I have learned here: treating men with RESPECT. What a novel concept! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I do think the book was somewhat dumbed down and repetitive but I imagine that is because it is marketed to a broad audience. That didn't detract from the powerful message, IMO.

I'm listening to the broadcast online right now. So far, very good. Part 2 broadcast tomorrow.

I guess I need to get to Sam's (my Costco) and get this book. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Interesting...

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

eeeekk...those sunglasses are because I feel hit between the eyes. I've done a lot of this. I need to sharpen up my act!

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

^bump^ up up and away...

We are waiting for your opinions Pep. I think you like the book...Any parts you don't agree with?

I bought it this morning...

Pep-

The reason I decided to read this book (despite my distaste for Dr. Laura's style) is that I have been hearing SO many responses just like DadandHusband's over this book the past few months that I figured it was worth looking into...it definately was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LOVE the SPQBOL and Long Live the SPQ - didn't know there was a third book out and will definitely look for it. They ARE pee-in-your pants funny (and I'm a born-and-bred Southern Belle).

Loved the DaVinci code. Compelling.

Like Dr. Laura in small doses and eventually she ticks me off. Haven't listened to her in years and I don't even know if she's on when I can listen. Like her because she's a straight shooter, get tired of her because she's abrasive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. If you are a MARRIED WOMAN have not read this book .... tell me why not. Does the title turn you off? Does the author (Dr. Laura) turn you off?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Haven't read it because I'm kinda burned out on relationship books at present. Have one I've already bought that I'll read before I buy any more, but this will definitely go on the list. Liekwise Schnarch's book is on my list but I haven't yet purchased it.

My H says he is extremely simple. A hug, a kiss, be his friend, and he's happy. He accuses me of making a mountain out of a molehill when I'm checking to be sure he's happy. (I don't care, I'm determined that if he becomes unhappy it WON'T be due to me falling down on the job!)

BTW I always enjoy your posts, Pep. Direct, no-nonsense, insightful. Tough and compassionate.

Pep:

I happened to catch the second half of Dr. Laura's interview on "Focus on the Family." You alluded to the fact that she won't write "Proper Care and Feeding of Wives" because -- and here I quote the radio show -- "Women have the power. Men don't."

Hmmmmm. Do you agree with that? I understand what she's saying -- that if a wife takes care of her husband and "primes the pump," (to use her analogy), he will most likely gush forth with sweet water to sustain them both.

But do you really think a man can't do the same thing for his wife? Do women really have ALL the power in relationships?

BH03

Hi BH,

I think Dr. L is right in that I dont think this approach would work on me, or alot of other women. I've had guys following me around like puppydogs, more than willing to meet any EN I'd throw at them. yawn.

Maybe that's it, women get used to being 'courted', while men crave the attention? Maybe men get tired of being the 'agressor', and appreciate greatly when women GIVE their affection and respect to them? Just a guess.

quickly edited to add: it's paying of wonderfully for me. I get so much back from H, I'd say the effort was well worth it!! - Dru

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

I have not read here books, but the comment about women having "all of the power" I think is more true than many women realize.

I have stated this to more than a few females on this site, and I don't think they really understand. Most of the issues with respect to the marriage, women have the final say on. Start with children (having them or not), sex (having it or not), the emotional connections in the marriage (usually determined by the W as they are more attuned to this aspect of life), heck even in divorce they get the children most of the time. Economic power used to reside with men, but that is very much changing.

So, I think she is right. I know there are examples where this is NOT the case, but the power women have is substantial and often neglected or misused by the women themselves.

A subtle point that is often overlooked is that women have friends in which they confide everything. Due to the competitive nature of men, and the world they often function in men rarely have friends close enough to really confide in. If a man has such friend this friend is often their W or men go it alone. AGain this gives alot of power to a W because she have the ability to pierce the loneliness or be the friend.

As a male, I do agree men are simple. It is that simplicity that makes us function in very hard situations and solve problems, plus the knowledge that we are expendable.

Pep, as usual, you have started something interesting.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

I appreciate your point of view. But as a male-version of our species, do you really think a man can't motivate his woman the same way? I guess that's my ultimate question.

Or are you saying that for a man to even WANT to motivate his woman, he has to be "primed" first?

BH03

I haven't read the book but from what I heard about it doesn't contain anything new. There was a book in the 1960's "The Total Woman" that my mother had and about 5 or 6 years ago there was a book called "The Surrendered Wife". ( which I did read) I have never listened to Dr Laura but I won't spend time or money on a book that's just recycles concepts that have been around for at least 40 years or so. I also have a problem with books that generalize about the sexes and their needs.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: KalGal ]</small>

BH,

Now please understand I have not read that book or any other by Dr. L. You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL:

I appreciate your point of view. But as a male-version of our species, do you really think a man can't motivate his woman the same way? I guess that's my ultimate question.

Or are you saying that for a man to even WANT to motivate his woman, he has to be "primed" first?

BH03
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think where this is coming from is the following. Some day especially near a holiday, or VD, look at the adds. Heck look at the adds for jewelry. They are ALL geared for what men can get women to make them feel wanted and desired. Listen to the common generalization of men by women: "all they want is to watch TV, sports, and have sex." Listen to the humor on TV, it is ALWAYS at the expense of the male. Listen to what most women focus on in their marriage, usually the children. Listen for how often a male is thanked or even something more than to be tolerated in TV, news, discussions.

When was the last time you and your friends discussed all of the good things about your H's?

I think the point is NOT that women don't need this as well. But that unlike men who are constantly bombarded with the messages of how to be romantic for the W, get her gifts, help around the house (whether he does it or not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), where are the messages for the women?

Further, if you work you realize that the work environment is NOT a place of support so when people come home they need that. Men are told to do something, take her out to dinner, give her a massage, buy her flowers.

So I suspect the lopsidedness of this has more to do with messages current being sent and received. A good way to be successful is to find a VOID and fill it, and I suspect this book has found a VOID for many.

I suspect the message is NOT that men shouldn't be doing this for women, but that women may forget to do something for men and by doing that the male of the species is further reminded he better get with the program. If you recall Pep's comment, it seems she is getting as good as she got. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The old days of fixing him a dinner he likes are sort of gone. Most people have fast meals, the kids need to do their homework, many things are premade and only need heating, AND he is supposed to be on a diet anyway for his?????

Just some thoughts, but I do think she is responding to an embalance in the messages sent out about how men and women should interact. You don't see it here so much, but it is in the media. She has found a void. I guess it must be right, she is selling these books well.

There is NOTHING new under the sun, but saying the same thing in a different context or at a different time can make a big difference in how people receive them. Plus the old messages get lost if they were ever received.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Originally posted by KalGal:
I also have a problem with books that generalize about the sexes and their needs.

What would the nature of that problem be?

This is very interesting, this comment you made.

I don't want to debate with you ... but I really do not see where you have expressed your point to the level where ---> I can at least understand your point of view.

Could you elaborate about what the problem is, according to you?

Thanks

Pep

Originally posted by BrokenHeart03:

do you really think a man can't motivate his woman the same way?

According to the book...
In a sense, yes. Because a woman's needs are more complex and very difficult for a man to "get" .... without some major roadmap provided by his wife.

Or are you saying that for a man to even WANT to motivate his woman, he has to be "primed" first?

No, that was not at all the point of the book.

According to the book, men really do want to please their woman.

But are sometimes, cluelsss...

AND ... unless he senses that he is even on her radar screen (which is too often the case) ... his feelings, his needs, his desires, are a nusance to the busy over-scheduled wife and mother.

Pep