Hello everyone...

I am hoping you all can help me. It has been about three months since my wife learned of my affair with a co-worker. She moved in with her mother for about 6 weeks and has since come home. At times our marriage has never been better and at other times she wants me to leave and she doesn't know if she can forgive me.

She has mentioned a couple times that she wants the womans home address so she can call her husband and tell him what is going on. My wife has talked to the other woman on a couple occasions and was told that she told her husband. But she says she wants to make sure that her family is going through the hell that ours is. To me, it doesn't matter... why should we cause more damage and why can't we just work on what's going on in our lives. She works as a social worker for children and I can't believe that she would want to upset their family and potentially hurt thier kids.

Today, she mentioned that we should write a letter to this other woman and that might help her with closure. I totally agree. But she wants to mail it to her house. That means she wants the address again. You see I can only get her address by getting into the HR files here at work. I am the computer guy here but that is classified information and illegal and I could loose my job. Which obviously is not good for our family.

So what to you guys think and is there a letter out here somewhere that we could look at to get ideas from.

Give your wife the address and any other info she asks for. You say: She works as a social worker for children and I can't believe that she would want to upset their family and potentially hurt thier kids. Guess what....she didn't hurt their kids, you and the OW did. She shares NO blame in the affair. That is something you and the OW carry.

I'm in somewhat of the same boat as I can not seem to get ahold of the OMW despite having their phone number. I will probably send a letter to her at their home because as long as there are secrets, the affair has a chance to thrive. OM said he he told his W but why should I believe this man.....I shouldn't and neither should your W. Let her do what she needs to do. It was your affair, not hers.

I agree with almost everything you say, but... the hard part is the OW is getting pretty nasty at work and I 'm afraid she will accuse my of giveing out confidential information or worse sexual harrasment.

Do you know of any example letters on this site we could use?

Well,there has to be another way for you/her to come up with the address. Is she unlisted in the phonebook? You could say you left her phone number out and then your W did a reverse directory lookup with the phone company. This is what I did. Or, if you know her address from other means, say picking her up or dropping her off, you can always say that you just left the address out and wife "found it". There must be a way for your W to discover the address without your job being in jeopardy.

I honestly do not know where she lives, I know the general area/direction she lives in. Because another co-worker used to comment about passing her on the road. I have never picked her up or been to her house in any way.

I don't want to get something started with the OW that turns into a war. What about writing the letter and having my wife hand it to the OW?

lonc,
Even though your wifes motive (revenge) is wrong, you should give her the info she wants. Why? The focus needs to be on your M. The OW will have to deal with her family. Your only concern s/b be what effect telling th other H is what repercussions it will have on you M and family. You are trying to rebuild trust. Also, consider the fact that the OW marriage needs work. How else will that occur. There is mixed advise on this forum of telling OW H. But there is no debate on honesty and disclosure.

Christ's Love
Roman121

I have been honest with my W about the A. I am concerned about what the OW has told her H. If the stories conflict at all I am afraid my W will leave. Also, I do not have the information to give her. I would have to get into the HR Managers office and computer to get the personal information. OW may go to my boss if my W calls her home, she is pretty nasty about the whole thing.

Hello Lonc:

Q. Is the affair over? Are you in NC (no contact)?

The purpose of exposure to the OP's spouse, as I understand it as proposed by Harley, is to put pressure on the affair. It is to help end the affair . . . exposing it to the light of day. If the affair is completely over then I don't see what exposure is supposed to accomplish. Making the OP's family suffer too is hardly a valid reason for exposure.

I suppose one could argue that the OP's spouse has a right to know and I agree. I know I would want to know. I think it is the OP's responsibility to inform her husband. Keep these people out of your lives if you can.

Do NOT steal her address from work. If you feel you must have it hire a PI to follow her home one day.

Lonc:

While I don't agree with your wife's revenge motive, I think you should work WITH HER to get OW's address. There are MANY ways to do this besides hacking into the main computer. Try some people searches on the Internet, try Google. Heck, hire a PI if you have too. Working WITH YOUR wife to satisfy her request in this regard will do tremendous things to rebuild her faith in you. It will show you that you guys are a TEAM again, and that you will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to prove how much you love her and want to be with her.

After she has the address (or phone number or whatever), get out of the way. Let her do what she needs to do. Who knows? Maybe she'll be placated by your willingness to help her, and she won't really do it.

One thing to add: I hear what you're saying about not starting a war with OW and your fear of her filing a sexual harrassment suit. My FWH had (has?) similar reservations.

But quite frankly, those are risks YOU SIGNED UP FOR when you got involved in the affair. This was your decision, buddy. Suck it up.

Those excuses are nothing more than self-centered attempts to cover your own butt. And your wife doesn't care much about how your butt may suffer right now from a decision YOU made that also put her into hell.

I'll get off my soapbox now. This issue just hits close to home. In our situation, I never did contact the OW, becasue of the same issues you're mentioning. I regret it now. I feel like my FWH got to put himself first once again. Never mind my healing; at least he didn't have to deal with consequences of his actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

BH03

LOnc,

This is an excerpt from another post I made earlier today to a female FWS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your another step ahead by your desire to actively pursue a NC letter. This will also help your H with trust issues.

Concerning NC letter, I have a few suggestions: Make it very business like. State the simple facts that you have made a major mistake, that you have hurt you H very much and that you are staying with your H and the marriage. Then state that bc of the affair and the broken trust you must never have contact with OM again. Ask the OM to please follow your wishes and that if he does contact you you will immediately tell your H. Sign your name.

As I said earlier the tone should be factual. NO EMOTION. No I'm sorry that we'll never be friends again or be able to share our blah blah blah. I wouldn't even use "dear" in the salutation nor would I say "have a good life" or "I wish you and your family the best".

Next step to help your H is to allow him to inform the OM's W of the affair. It should be done in a non vengeful manner. She deserves to know the truth. This is another important step for your H's trust becausae by being willing to do this you show that you are no longer willing to protect the OM. This will show that you have H's well being above OM's

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you think?

cwmac