After what I have experienced in the past 24 hours I will tell you a no contact letter is essential, but until the WS has hit rock bottom and is ready, it doesn't mean a thing.

My WH refused to send the letter after D-day #1. He said he didn't need it because I had heard the last conversation and read her angry email the next day.

Well, yesterday all "you know what" broke loose when I found an internet email site on his work computer. I confronted him and he admitted they were back in contact (email, cell phone and calling card - she bought for him). It has been going on for weeks and he has been acting like a perfect gentleman. I knew he wasn't completely invested yet, but I thought it was the "fog". Although times he was "with me" when he left the wall down - he agrees.

He was ready for our marriage to be over when I confronted him. Let me tell you, when you get to the point I was at yesterday, there were no tears or angry words, just a calm, numb me. I told him that I was taking the kids and leaving - just as I told him I would if renewed contact was made.

I took the afternoon off, pulled the kids from school, told them what was going on, and packed everything essential and dear into our vehicle. He came home just as we were ready to leave. He tried to talk to the kids, but they were adamant they were going with mom and I made it clear we were leaving. The no crying or anger scared him and told him I was serious - I wasn't afraid.

At that point, it finally hit him - like a big ol' 2X4 to the forehead. If this continued with her, he would loose everything - including the thing most dear to him in this world, his family. He asked the boys to go play and we sat and talked for 2 hours - calmly, no lovebusters. Ironically, we were sitting in our vehicle and a terrible wind and thunderstorm moved through - rocking the vehicle and actually making us nervous (weathering the storm?).

For the first time since I originally found out - he was completely honest with me. He answered any question I asked, didn't get angry, and actually seemed remorseful.

We ended it this morning when she called him on the cell phone (yes, I listened - he was strong, no crying, held my hand, said the things necessary and sounded like he meant them). An angry email came later - I intercepted it - we read it together - no response.

A no contact letter will be written tonight and all items from her (cell ph and letters) will be packed up and mailed back with it tomorrow.

We've talked (actually talked) more since I found out yesterday than we have in years. I made it clear that this time things will be done my way. I've acknowledged that he's going to have a tough time over the next few weeks, but now we will be open and honest about it.

I hate to be optimistic after what's happened, so has anyone else come to this crossroad and found that their WS finally "gets it"? If so, what do I expect?

I've been right were you are.

After 2 false recovery attemtps I had given up...took alot for my H to get me to try a 3rd.

3 months into our 3rd recovery attempt I also found proof of continued contact....cell phone.
The contact had taken back up a month into us getting back together and had ended 2 weeks after it started....so there had already been no contact with her for about 5 weeks when I found out about it.

The OW initiated the contact on his cell phone....I know that there was no talking in person or meeting anywhere because he was closely watched at work and was never late getting home and never went anywhere by himself. The OW was a coworker and had been fired after the contact had ended and before I found out about it.

I told my H I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I was leaving even if it meant I had to leave my daughters with him because I couldn't take care of them financially. He had always left me...he never thought I would leave him.
I told him that I couldn't continue in a relationship that was filled with lies and distrust, even if it was finally over with the OW...which when I made the statement...I knew it was. It was just the fact that he kept talking to her when she contacted him again.

That day the cell phone was thrown in the trash and my H became a different person.

We are now almost 3 years into the REAL RECOVERY.

Hitting rock bottom is what it usually takes to open the WS's eyes.

The only other thing I have to say is.....your statement about it being your way.....it's sort of harsh....and actually could make your H resent you in a way.

I'm not sure if I actually said "it's going to be done my way". It's a good point though and I'll watch what I say - thanks. Since that conversation, we've had many others and we've actually discussed how things should be done together - the statement "What do you think?" has been used a lot and things aren't done unless we are in agreement.

I hope and pray this time will be REAL recovery.

that is great for you! looks like he is taking you seriously.

I am having to make the same decisions...
after 4 years of a GREAT recovery (at least I thought) My WH (EA 12 yrs ago) has always worshipped me and adored me throughout the entire marriage......especially these last few yrs

found out last Sat that they have been in contact with eachother off and on these last 4 yrs. (caught him) He works in the employment agencies, and she came to him for help in getting a job...several times...didnt tell me, because usually she just goes away (for about a yr)....and he knew what my reaction would be.

I read the emails they wrote for the last month. his was apropriate work stuff, very brief and short...and only when she initiated contact (and her's was more of a personal nature)

no, there was never a NC letter, just a verbal agreement between us 4 yrs ago when I caught them emailing and IM'ing back then!! (and yes, he knew how upset I was, and promised he wouldn't continue. (i didnt know anything about NC letters then, just found this website last week)

I asked him to leave, and was prepared to follow through with it. He ended up staying on the couch, and we talked....I dont think I can ever believe him, and I really dont know what to do....my judgement is screwed up.

He still adores me and worships me (always has). and he has been perfect as far as being a FWH (no evidence of ANYTHING)but what makes me think that THIS time he will keep his promise? How many times do you let them get away with it?? I need to keep SOME self respect, and if I forgive him again.....I will feel like a fool.

We love eachother very much, and want to keep the marriage going, But it is very difficult knowing he betrayed me twice!!! there will be a
NC letter this time. and he has no problem doing that.

I am going back and forth on still asking him to leave....its different everyday.....

any help would be much appreciated....

thanks