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Joined: Feb 2004
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22 |
Been awhile since i've been here...here's an update.... some advice would be great.
My wife was having an emotinal affair when i found out (may 03) She moved out of house last month ... she says that she needs to find herself and that may mean chosing me ,him ,or neither.She swears that she is having no contact with him ( i have no way of knowing )We talk on the phone every night and hug and kiss when we see each other ( about 3 times a week concerning our son )Our talk is small talk ( no LB's )she doesn't want to work on the marriage .say's she loves me not in love with me...the usual fog sayings. I gave her an emotional needs questionaire last week and she refuses to fill it out. I'm in plan A.I'm wondering how do you meet her needs when she won't let you.
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 54
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I am in a similar situation & am very interested in reading the responses!! Hang in there... Maybe if you can, then I can, & vice/versa???
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
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Actually...it sounds to me like you are filling some need of hers....whithout either of you knowing it quite possibly.
Hugging and kissing when you see each other. Talking on the phone every night.
Most of the people that are seperated do not have a relationship like that with their WS.
The WS usually wants NOTHING to do with the BS.
Sounds to me like you are doing something right already. I'd keep that up.
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Joined: Nov 2003
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Sorry I didn't see this post before responding to the other one.
If I had to fathom an educated guess here, I would say that your WW is STILL in an A,either EA,PA or both.Going off to find oneself,ILYBINILWY talk,moving out,refusing to fill out EN's or to do anything in favor of saving the marriage are red flags to me.
Also sounds like she is fence sitting,she has her time with you and your son then she is probably getting her A fix on the other side of life.
How long have you been doing Plan A? If it's been since last MAY then that would be enough,way more than enough time.Have you considered Plan B yet?
O
<small>[ May 13, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>
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Joined: May 2002
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quartz,
I never went through that bc FWW was willing to to fill out EN survey.
I've seen this answer several times however. The answer is to try and pick the ENs that you think would be most important to your WW.
Most (but not all women) have financial, affection & communication in their top five. Normaly the last two will very tremendously. Some pick sexual, some pick appearance, some pick recreational comanionship.
Once you think you know which ENs your W would pick. Try implementing them. If your not sure you're supposed to give it a shot in a "trial and error" manner.
Of course, remember that some fargone WSs will not let you meet certain needs. Why? Those are the nneds that the OP are currently meeting. If this happens at least communicate that you are willing to meet these needs.
cwmac
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Joined: May 2002
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quartz,
One more observation. Sorry it may hurt and I may be wrong but...
Most spouses who are just having an EA aren't necessarily saying that they need to move out of the house and trying to decide which man to pick. Most of them don't even realize that an EA is a problem.
Most EAs turn physical at one point or another. Sure there are those spouses who stop without going over the physical contact line. For married women EAs build into PAs. It usually takes between 4-6 months of a strong EA to get to the PA point.
Again, I may be wrong but remember you can't necessarily trust the information that your wife is giving you. Actions speak volumes.
Do you have any additional proof?
How long has the EA been going on?
Are you committed to your M even if there has been a PA?
cwmac
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22 |
Yes my WW was having an EA and PA .She called him her soulmate etc etc. She has moved to an apartment close by ..I'm still in the house. we have our son half of the time. She recently told me she didn't know how to fall back in love with me(how can she we OM is still an option)and didn't want to waste 3 years of her life simply trying to do that.
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Joined: May 2002
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quartz,
Because your W has said that she doesn't want to work on the M and bc she rejected filling out the ENs questionaire, I would continue Plan A and try to be careful that you don't come off as trying to indoctrinate her in the MB ways. She'll resent it.
Plan A when ever you see her. No LB's. No judgmental comments, Try to meet the needs that can be met on a part time basis: affection, communication,etc. (Sorry probably no sex for awhile)
If she starts to discuss divorce, I would ask her for a few months (six if you can get it) to try and save the marriage. Sell it as a "then we can both know that we tried" spin.
cwmac
<small>[ May 13, 2004, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>
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Joined: May 2002
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Quartz???
How ya making out???
cwmac
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