I am back to square one. I had flowers today for some of you just updating, and finally an apology. MY husband seems confused as hell. He told me the reason he replied is because he felt I was leaving and he needed someone to tell him "you're a good boy". Anyways, of course she did. He said they didn't talk it was just the message. And he mainly msged her also because he wanted to give her news since she's been asking.. "Yeah right"...

Anyways, I've had a quiet talk, best talk we ever had. He freaks out when the reality sinks in that I am really leaving. He will never get his act together I think.
He wants to be close to me all the time, but I cannot find the courage to sleep next to him tonight. I just couldn't.

I CAN"T EVEN SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEED TO SLEEP!! I haven't slept for more than 48 hours and RUNNING!!!!!!!!!!

I think you might be confusing him because he probably doesnt know from one day to the next whether you are staying or going.

What progress did you make from your talk?

Hi Harudah,

If you are already taking some AD's then perhaps you could try some Benadryl,I used that on occasion or Sonata(prescription),that helped a few times.

When I originally found out about my WH adultery I literally did not sleep for 3 weeks.I was really bad off and started to hallucinate,almost wound up in the hospital.The Sonata helped eventually but not each night unfortunately.Now I am plagued with bad dreams and weird dreams.I haven't slept soundly in so long because of this sh**!

With something of this magnitude,our brains keep trying to figure it out and reach a solution and as we all know there isn't an easy one or one that solves things overnight.Try some relaxation techniques,positive imagery or a hot bath,things like that may help.Try to divert your mind off the WH and the A.I know it's hard but it takes practice.

Good luck to you.

O

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Harudah -

You will finally crash and burn. It just happens. I have been going through this for more than a year. I fall asleep easily, but wake up in the middle of the night.

If it gets too bad for you, come to California. You can learn to surf and play on the beach all day. My kids will teach you to surf.

I live in a mobile home which is pretty dumpy, but who cares? Here everyone is outside all day.

And if you decide to get the big D, you will instantly find a nice Marine to take care of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Sonata(prescription),that helped a few times.
O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry for the OT but Octobergirl - have you found any side effects with the Sonata? I pretty much hallucinate right before I fall asleep. H has told me things I have said that I have no memories of saying (one time about dead puppies on the end of the bed!) Just curious if anyone else has these side effects. Dr. warned me that this does happen to some pple so only take in when you are in bad and ready to sleep.

Prayer will always help put your mind at rest and allow u to rest easier..

I am confused myself! I tried to have a conversation yesterday....but my tone was to get a definite decision. The problem is for me make it is another issue. The right thing for me to do is leave, but how do you plan B in another continent? If I still didn't want to be with him....(this would be a LOT easier).

I DON"T NEED DAYLIGHT!!!!!!!!!! Its so black inside of me today... and it was yesterday. I will close the blinds and stare at this blue screen. This is my only comfort. This is my way to regain myself.....I must grieve my own death, in a salty, bitter way.

I will slowly burn into this house of fire. They will dispose me in a box and there I shall also find comfort in darkness.

Who am I to talk about grieving? I haven't even been through DABDA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance>>>>
I've been through Denial,
As most people, I am still in the Anger part. I am bargaining with myself.. and depression.. well stages 2 and 3 can get someone down..

Then comes the last stages in order to grieve. ACCEPTANCE!!!!!!!!!!! It's hard. By the time I accept I will be long gone!!!!!!!!!

I will not have the time for TEAR.........
Good lord, my college education is somewhat paying off. I thought sitting through Human Development was just a way to get an easy 3 credit class without the sweat!

Well................I am in stage 2,3, and well 4 at the same time......
Who says you need a psychologist when you're crazy?

harudah -

Hopefully you are sleeping by now. How do you spend your time during the day?

Your H is temporarily addicted, but that will not last long. You can outlast his addiction.

Another Rollercoaster talk: IT's like the fog inside of me. When I pass the anger, and the betrayal and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. I'm OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> seriously. I also when revenge, I want Payback..

As far as what's going. I woke up this morning almost the same time as him. He asked if I wanted breakfast. He kept crying and crying crying crying.. sighs**** and kneeling on his knees. I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before he left for work he wanted to turn on the blinds, but I say "NO".
I talk to some of friends from the states.. and they want me to come home.. they are planning trips and stuff to keep me busy, but I know how I am. ALl their hard work gonna be RUINED cuz I'm going to be crying the whole time. IT's normal that I want to GRIEVE!

He wrote me from work saying :"Life has become tasteless."

UPdate: what am I doing in my days? I go from minutes, day, hour changes... like a crazy person.
SO I finally open all my windows.. I have 10 windows in my apartment hug ones.. I barely have walls... anyways I finally cleaned up my kitchen..... when I'm sad, it reflex in my apartment... I am a very dramatic person. I fixed everything and put them where they are suppose to be.... I held myself back from breaking any bottles or plates. Or his laptop...
I vaccuum the whole place... arrange my flowers.

He said something yesterday, "My whole life is built around you." I don't ****ing beleive anything he says... he says that I don't beleive him.. its true...... NO TRUST!

He said if I go, his family will never forgive him and so on.........
I told him, he wants to keep me to make sure he has a "status quo" and that I am not a freaking DOG!
I should refrain from LBing.......I need not to LB.... I must repeat "no more LBing"


COMMENT RESTER SANS TOI!!!!! ECOUTE REVIENS DANS MA VIE!

yeah I'm going to check myself inside a psychotic ward.... oh that's what he said he's going to do.

Hey Girl, this is not the end , pull yourself together. You can shake this off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> This is the most trying time of your life im sure, Ive had my share of all of this im a HOS, and Ive come back to reality. We tend to live in a fantasy world, and when it all caves in then we come to. I sugest Camomile TEA, maybe some Melatonin 3mg (2x). These are natural medications with no side affect. They helped me threw the hard days Withdrawel. If you can keep your head about all of this you will come out the victor. You will need to distract your mind, the ocean waves are a great therapy. Long walks, parks, be where theirs a lot of people. Just find something you enjoy and participate. He must make up his mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> You be the best person you can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Consider this a experience to learn from (but be a winner) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dont dispare, their is light at the end of this tunnel ive seen it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

HOS(37)
WS(38)
M17
DD 12/7/03
NC 3/26/04
In Recovery and doing "Good"

I am feeding from you guys strenght <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> such powerful group. Thanks....

I am just internalizing right now... that has to be done.

Yes, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just relake, and be the best person you can be, You cant let this issue take control. Just relake,and when you think carefully, than you will have the mental strenght to make a better decishion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well Done, your doing fine just relax, and take somthing to help you sleep.

Keep in touch, this sight is excelent for recovering. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FCalunga

HOS(37)
WS(38)
M17
DD 12/7/03
NC 3/26/04
In Revovery Room, and getting better by the day.

Hi Fraggles,

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner,I might have lost ya.

I have not had any side effects from the Sonata,but that's me.I also do not have any side effects from the AD I am on so I feel fortunate there.As far as halluciantions go,I had them before I took the Sonata from not sleeping,scary stuff.

o

Just bumping to say that I am alright. I'm doing well.. no suicidal thoughts today. Although I cried this morning... but its just memories jumping in my mind. I've been trying to stabilize myself. I ate last night and had breakfast this morning, although my stomach do not hold food very well, but I am trying. The OW talked to me. I didn't even say anything, she knew that I knew..she said she was sorry and never meant to hurt me. And that she couldn't help herself. I don't give a **** about what she has to say.....really.. and told her to stay away from us. Then couldn't help to say "you want to come and live with us? You want to make a family? Come to dinner" She actually beleived me while I was being sarcastic and said "no, I wouldn't humiliate myself like that."

Anyways... moving on.. still in DABDA! I am in bargaining still.. that's middle of the road. I am bargaining with myself. Anyways we have a huge dinner prepared on Tuesday, the whole family going to be there.......good time for the truth to come out. I don't know..

I also cried cuz my husband made love to me this morning.......(I hate myself for it)

harudah-

Glad to see you are still coping. It is normal and healthy to grieve. In fact, if you are very dramatic, you might schedule a grieving day. You can play sad music, light candles, write out everything you are grieving, and really get into the spirit of it.

Another technique is to make a timeline of your life, starting when you where born, and mark off the losses you have suffered in each period of your life.

Do they have any grief support groups or cafe's over there? Maybe you can start one.

That's a very good idea. Since I am alone most of the time.. I could round up a couple of people. I need time off.. even going to school this summer is going to be a torment... I will probably do distance learning to give me some space and time. It is very important for me in order to keep myself together.

I went shopping today.. I bought new make up hair stuff.. I like those kinda things. I am also going to buy a digital camera, since I love to take pictures. I miss doing things like. It's my hobby.. photography... and I can print and post all over my apartment.. yeah I'm going to make a big expense just to make myself happy. Only way I will have the strenght again is to regain me, then I can either move on or stay. No in between thoughts, which drive me crazy all together. In the moment, I will grieve. I need to express my pain.

harudah -

A digital camera is a great investment. They say that it will pay for itself over time, no more paying from pictures that are just so so. You only have to print the ones you really like.

Yeah - grief is good. Look around or start a grief group. Maybe you can help others too. I just ordered a book from Amazon called How to Get Over a Broken Heart in 30 Days. It got great reviews. I'll let you know how it is.

Correct me if im wrong, believer...
I think this big family meal might be a good time for exposure to his parents. He obviously cannot keep to NC, so needs a good kick up the @ss.
Maybe it would help lift the fog?

Is OW married?

Look after yourself, Harudah, and do things that make you feel good. Go and see your doctor because it seems your health is starting to suffer.

Sending lots of love