Hello Hurudah, good to know your starting to recover (eating, sleeping, and yes making love or was it just sex??). This camara thing is great, I to enjoy photography, I have a Kodax Digital camara 3.2 MP, and a HP Photosmart Printer, it can be a lot of fun, and the picture quality is greater than traditional pictures. The family event, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> well think it carefully, to chose the right persons to talk to, the right moment, in family gatherings can be tricky I think. But this all depends a great deal with your culture also(?) some are more outspoken than others. The one thing I want you to understand is that Its extremly important that your H be as commited to dealing with this EA as you are. Be tough and loving at the same time this is what snaped me out of the spell the OW had over me.

To Success, and smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> we will be a better person at the end of this.

FCalunga

HOS(37)
WS(38)
M17
NC 3/26/04
DD 12/7/03
3 kids
In Recovery

Harudah, I don't know your story, so I'm not sure what's going on with you and H. Is he still in the A, or are you just dealing with the sucky withdrawal? It does sound like your H doesn't want to let you go so that is a good sign.

Anyway, if you're not on an AD, get on one pronto. Unless you so love the high drama you want to keep that going. I hope not because, believe me, you will still get all the drama even on an AD, just minus the suicidal thoughts. We don't want you having those! My doctor prescribed me sleep meds that are really good. They haven't caused H or I drowsiness the next day. The med. is "IC TEMAZEPAM", 15 mg. I now don't take them every night, but if I know I want to sleep I'll take one.

Finally, if you aren't in IC, but are finding it difficult to cope, find a therapist. You will get through this. My d-day began 1/8/04, and although sometimes I'm still in denial, life doesn't suck half as bad as it did back then. I know, that doesn't sound very hopeful. I do laugh now. Hang in there girl! CV

I am back. I had a great weekend, with family, getting busy and all that great stuff.. doesn't make you forget, but the pain seems less. H is very affectionated. We've had some talks. No the A has ended, but its like an acoholic that had to take a cup of liquor when offered. There are some the emotional needs we talked about. And I am trying to fufill all the that. We are a young couple, and we have alot of things that aren't going right. The OW is a fantasy....he said even in the fantasy, OW isn't me, isn't as great.. there is no competition.. just that whenever he feels down, she always have those "kind words." Well... I don't know how to talke it. "I AM ALWAYS THERE TO LISTEN AND BE SUPPORTIVE"

I am working on it. I really don't want to give up... Am I sick or something? I always said if something like that ever happened, I'd pack! My first instinct was to pull him near and cried.. and has always remained so. AM I DUMB?

Sighs*

No you are very smart. You are taking you marriage vows seriously. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you will keep trying and realize that this probably is not about OW or you, but about your husband's weakness.

It's not about me... not about me at all. It is about him, and his weakeness.

Harudah, you are doing the right thing. There have been many times when you have thought it hopeless and wanted to leave, but you are still there righting for your marriage.
I respect that of you.

Hope you are well, looking after yourself and doing a good plan A.

Sending lots of love

Dear Harudah,

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT dumb!!

And as far as what you thought "before"....I always thought that too!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seems H is commited to you..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When he makes comments like "ow says this or that" to make me feel better...When he IS down just ask him what is it that YOU can do to help him thru it?

And the sex thing? We all react diff. to that too. There is NO GUIDE on how~what~where or when you are suppose to feel about anything!

Just know.....I am 7 mos. into recovery and life is really good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It can get better, it is a lot of talking and counseling and God that has helped my H and I thru this.

Imagine being M 23 yrs. before something like an A happens???! Total Devistation doesn't even discribe it..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just know there is HOPE!!!

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

To Success, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> your doing great, im sure his felling the love your giving him. When I passed this stage I was loving all of the caring. Just keep your eyes open and talk it threw....Yes girl singing your song..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Its not about me , its about him. Our child insecurities will come out in mariage sooner or later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You will survive this, and be a better person at the end.

Best wishes to a quick recovery,

FCalunga

OS(37)
WS(38)
M17
3 kids(20,14,10)
In Recovery

News: Last night dinner ended well at 12:45, everyone enjoyed themselves. MY in laws know about the affair, the only person that doesn't know is the rest of the family. His brother brought up something last night though and his sister in law claiming that he is a bit too attached on the internet and that there are couples that split because of that. And the discussion took on from there. I didn't say much. I just let them at it. He looks at me each time to see when I would open my mouth, maybe it was the right time to reveal it to my brother in law and the rest of the family. I said to myself..... "I want this night to end nicely." Anyways, noone got hurt but me for not revealing more and I think my inlaws were offguard waiting for me to say it. They do not know the he has been in contact with the OW or things would go back to square one.

I am still in one peice physically, but not emotionally, i do not know how to deal with it. I've told most of my friends.. well all of our friends know now. I have yet to resign my leave, but like you guys say.. i am still here.

This is a problem with my husband's weakness,a nd the whole family knows. It isn't me. The sad thing is that, i am blinded by love, and I don't want to open my eyes. Maybe I am scared of the world. I am. There is no doubt that I am scared to be back out there in the wild. I'm only 22, I know... I can find another guy.. and easy.. but you see... its easier said than done. When you found someone that you can be comfortable with and love so much and willing to flip the earth upside down for them. i am dramatic and intense in everything that i do. IF you do not put all your heart and mind into something or someone you really love and care about, then it isn't worthit to give half.

I think my love is also selfish. Selfish in a way that I wish I could love him from afar. maybe that would save me and him and the same time.

These are some of thoughts I've had after a long weekend.

know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cuz I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (and I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (but I'm scared with every touch)
Cuz I don't want to lose you (cuz I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (if you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cuz I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (it's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

Harudah -

You are too much, a very remarkable woman. I hope you will stick it out with your H. For someone so young, you are very mature and have lots of insight.

Yes, you could come to Oceanside, CA and get hooked up in a day or two, but you realize that it is better to stay with someone you love, than to take the easy way out. Good for you.

Beauty and The Beast:

I've watched too many Disney movies maybe, and still do. YOu know my favorite is The Little Mermaid.....sad, but I love disney corny cartoons hehe...

Maybe, I should stop beleiving that I found my Prince Charming......and that I am no longer a princess. I don't beleive in monarchy, but I love fairy tales.. I want to keep my fairy tale going beleiver (a little crazy).. I tell myself maybe when I'm like 50 I will wake up and it might be too late.

While we had dinner the other night as I was the host.. everyone kept saying why we do not open a restaurant. It was a good feeling to see everyone enjoying my cooking. My prince has always enjoyed my cooking. Although my emotions reflex on my cooking all the time. When I am mad, it is shown. When I am sad... he gets plein food.. when I am happy.....he gets a 4 course meal. You know there is the song of Eminem.. that says "There is no such thing as a female that cooks and clean with good looks." I will send him an email and ***** at him lol..

I am just venting... needing to lessen the pressure in my head......I woke up late this morning.... H has taken a week off.. it seems whenever things get heats up he takes a week off to get me back... that's crazy.

He still beleives that I am leaving, but I'm not. I'm telling his mom tommorow that I am not and the reason why. I am not comfortable leaving. It's funny, when I cannot make a decision, that means I shouldn't. So...distant learning, here I come.

I have this idea of starting a catering business. My sister in law already made an order for me to make some preparation for her. I didn't go to school for cooking, but I learned from my grand ma when I was a kid. Since I cook more now, I get better. My mom in law wants me to make some for when she has people over to serve as entree..

I think I can do the cooking stuff while I do distant learning. You never know, it might get bigger.

Well, that's it for today... slow day today...very slow.

I woke up this morning....and I was mean!!!! I had the impression that I beat him to death.

Here is the thing. I woke up in the middle of the night..........I have bad PMS.. and I am completely out of control when I do. My emotions are crazy and I more dramatic than normal. I woke up, feeling bad, I went to the bathroom, took a pill to calm my pain, then check the cell phone of course.. nothing was there.... ok whatever.. I reread the msgs..bad idea.. I went back to bed.. and I was so angry... and I knew.. I felt like I was conscious, but I was pinching and beating him.!!! But I was also dreaming...dreaming that the OW was there, but she was thin...and completely diferrent than IRL, she was pregnant and coming to see my mother in law. My H was accepting her and wanting her to be in the family and me I was being pushed aside.. like I didn't matter anymore.. but my MIL didn't want her to stay at her house. I was so mad.. screaming like the first time he told me about the A. I was beating him, and biting and kicking, but it wasn't doing anything to him. He didn't feel for me anymore.......like it was "OVER". Then I opened my eyes.. I looked him and I wanted to do the same in my dreams... Since we were staying the weekend at his parents' his mom came to wake me up to go to the outside market like we used to do every sunday. So we went.....I had so many guys trying to talk to me in front of her. It was crazy (must say, I dress, and look different than any other petite girl you can meet)
When we got back home my mominlaw told him, "you wouldn't beleive how many guys wanted to take your wife. I have to keep her closer next time." He was like "ha ha I know...."
Then we found out that his grand mother that had cancer died... one of the reasons we decided to go this weekend in the first place. She's gone..God bless her soul.

My mom in law asked if I was going.. I told her "no, I am not. I gave up on that." She seemed releif and happy, like a weight had lifted off her shoulders. Anyways I might finally get a job.. I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I need to work to get my mind off things..... work will do me so good.. I would do ANYTHING right now to get my mind off my current situation. I love to work,a nd i need to work to make our financial situation better.

Well That's all for today... I am bit off the edge today, but I am steaming off or oozing my guts out. WISH ME LUCK WITH THE JOB Situation, pray for me guys...... pray that I can hold on, and have a successful marriage, and a good life.
I wish all of you guys the best also..

much love

princess Harudah

Harudah
I know you will be ok.
I dont think I will.
I would really appreciate your advice: I have posted The Bombshell on a separate thread.
Thank you Princess Harudah, dont ever change.

With lots of love

A job will be very good for you. Sounds like you are doing fine. Have you signed up for school somewhere?

Sweet dreams, princess.

I need more information in distant learning. As you guys know I'm conscient that I need a university diploma and it is up there with my top 10 priorities in life. And you all know about the rollercoaster ride. One minute ok, the next no, but I'm mostly stable....I got some new books to read, and waiting on answer from the job. I am tired mostly.
*I am going to read the thread KS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> don't giveup.
* I am still trying to figure out why I am still in love with this man.. but oh well.. Maybe if my marriage work, I will be a stronger person and with less regrets than if I just let go and move on. I think about staying more than moving on though. I realize, most relationships need help and both of to be conscious of that. I think my husband could try, but he doesn't know how and scare to know how. He bought so many things last week..as if to make up for his weakness, but I don't think he understand.

* I am still looking for a job... so when I get it, I will tell you guys*
*My stomach has been doing a lot better, I just have to stay away from alcohol and Ibuprofene for a while.
*The funeral is on thursday, so I won't be posting much since I will be gone to the other side of belgium.
*If any of you guys have any idea with distant learning, I'd be happy. I already check out some of them... seems unclear to me.

Big HUGS*

Harudah, do you have a central body in Belgium from which you can find out about your options and opportunities?

Did you phone the Open University?

I'm back! Gawd.. I met so many people at the funeral.. I've giving so many kisses.... well I need to write my next article on that experience. I was also eager to get home to check my mail for the job.. but no luck.. but ok. My husband asked if I am going to the embassy to fill out the papers for us to move. HA!!! I don't even know anymore. I don't think I want to move....most reasons would be for him to stay away from the OW, but you see, I have to be gone.. leaving him plenty of time with OW, but I doubt he would go see her, because he is on "LOCKDOWN". I met more of the family... they welcome me with warwth and contentment.. it was great.. I mean sad with the funeral and everything, but it was good ambiant, then I got irritated because I can only take so much stimulants for a while. I like to go.. 2, 3 hours, but from 10 am until 7!!!! that's a bit too much for me. ANyways, tommorow I'm getting myself a cellphone! I'm extremely happy about that.

Even though my H talked about me going to summer school in the states, he also says.. "I want you to go to spain with me" Like asking me to stay, but there is the guilt of my studies behind him. He beleives in me....he thinks I can be great in whatever major I may consider;

In conclusion, I am not leaving.. i can't!! I don't have enough strenght and confidence to do it. I just have to tell him that I am not going anywhere. Anyways, I told him mom... she knows I'm not going. She just got us a new refrigerator... (yes, we're very close family and they very generous to our young couple) Even when we say no, they still do it.. so there is no need to refuse.

My marriage doesn't only consist my H and I.. this is for KS2001... where I can understand your attachment to your H2B....its about the family bonds I've reacted.. in all truth.. my H's mom has been nicer and cared about me more than my own mother. In most ways is true. I get jealous even.. You know when you marry someone you take his whole family with you.. just like if they were terrible, I would have to deal with it too.

KS.. I know a lot of people tell you to leave, but you see, I am not. It is easier said than done. It's not easy to pack up an dsay its over. I would take the advice of not marrying right now...like I told you in the first place.. wait a year and see.. and time will SET you free and I know it. I AM LETTING TIME SET ME FREE... or maybe, I'm letting time drag me back in, but either way... my heart can heal.

It was