I was feeling so strong today and then one letter in the mail hits me hard and makes me upset.
Here it is:
I am sorry for this again. I continue to have upas and downs during this time. I nver planned on this happening. I understand that you don't want me to be a part of our sons life. I hope you will reconsider. I would like to talk about this when you are ready. I know you are hurting. You based everything on us and I let you down. I hope this time will continue to help me find myself again. No matter what happes. I am at a point where I am totally consumed by our son and scared for the relationship I may or may not have with him. I wish I would have gotten some hlep when all of this started to unfold.

I am sorry for not communicating my feelings to you so we could work on it. I will regret that course of action the rest of my life. I makes me sad to know the pain I've caused you and our son. I know you will hate me the rest of your life. Please don't shut me out of our sons life. I know I can and want to be a great father. I just want to be a ble to hold my son and spend time with him. I know this is totally in your hands. If you want full custody you will get it. I will continue to think about our son every moment. He is my focus right now. The light in my life. Only time will tell how everything will work out. I wish I could take it back. I so want to be there for our son. This really sucks and I understand your anger and resentment. I will always be an ******* in your eyes.

I don't know why these things happen. You will be a great mom. You deserve to be eternally happy and loved. NOne of this is fair to you. You have to much to offer. Sorry I couldn't be good enough or strong enough. Please give my love to our son. I hope someday you both will find forgiveness in your hearts. I hope I do too. Sorry for not being the old WH.
Please let me know when and if you want to talk.

This letter is so painful. I think his friend scared him. I never said I would not let him see his soon to be born son.
Should I tell the intermediary to tell him I never said that and to stop sending me these letters. I want to die reading them.

durham, NEXT WEEK, please ask the intermediary to tell him to please refer to the Plan B letter. He has the power in his hands to resolve the situation and the roadmap is in your PBL. Never does it say that he won't have visitation rights after his son is born.

Then leave it at that. He is very nervous now that he sees you mean business and is trying to get you to break Plan B.

Can you imagine the conflict all this is causing in his affair with the OW? Just keep it up and the affair will crumble, durham. The OW must be having a very hard time dealing with a HEARTBROKEN bf!

Just hang in there, durham, because your PB is having an effect!

Good idea, Pep!

you are 100% sure that he understands what you want right???

because his mail sure does not make it sounds like he does. Does he know that you are wanting this marriage still?? It sure seems like that message should be coming thru loud and clear.

Or is he not wanting to stay married, is he only wanting to make sure he can have a relationship with your son?

durham, i don't post to you often but i read your posts. As a spouse that did the betraying, it is hard for me to post to BSs. but you are doing an awesome job and my prayers are with you.

Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
you are 100% sure that he understands what you want right???

because his mail sure does not make it sounds like he does. Does he know that you are wanting this marriage still?? It sure seems like that message should be coming thru loud and clear.

LOL FL... you are a sweet gal.

I don't think you ever received a Plan B letter.... but that letter explains it all..

Why the BS is "going dark" ... to protect herself from further hurt.

The desire to have a fully commited marriage ... after the OW has been permanently removed.

How much the BS accepts their part of the marriage breakdown.

How much the BS loves the WH.

It's all there... If he "doesn't understand" ... it's because he doesn't want to.

LOL!

I assume YOU are doing better today... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

durham - I have about 8 letters from WH saying almost the same thing, except for the child.

"I am sorry for the way I have treated you and what I have done to our marriage. You deserve a much better man than I and I only blame myself for what has happened."

or check this one out:

"I really can't blame you for anything or how you are reacting. I am the A------. I am so filled with shame and worthlessness.Please pray that God will send us a solution to our separation that wil be pleasing to Him".

or this one

" I really need to talk to you face to face. I wake up in the middle of the night dreaming of you, chasing you, trying to get you to talk with me. Is it over for us? I really need to know, so I can just let go. You never call me or try and make contact. If you want me, I wish you could let me know."

Now keep in mind, he has the Plan B letter and knows that he has to have NC with OW. But he never mentions that in his letters.

Your WH is trying to get you to break your Plan B. He may really believe what he writes to you, but he knows what he needs to do. Don't fall for it.

oh, the PB letter is clear as hell. The WS just hasn't accepted it. His letter is a CLASSIC example of a WS trying to get back into her good graces WITHOUT having to give his gf up. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too and is testing the waters.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody -

You are exactly right, always have been.

Absolutely, your intermediary should be intercepting these.

Now, exactly WHO is your intermediary?

The Plan B letter I wrote for you, and which you reposted as the letter you wrote, did not provide for an intermediary.

I recommend this message be returned to your H either by you or your intermediary:

H - please re-read the letter I sent to you on [date]. It explains what must occur before we can talk of restoring our family. Recovering our marriage is my desire, but it can only occur under the conditions I stated in that letter. Until you are ready to work on our marriage under those conditions, do not contact me again. Love, durham

WAT

The intermediary is a mutual friend. I am going to tell him to refer to the letter and tell him I still want NC.
He definitely wants the best of both worlds. He doesn't love me. Loves OW. He wants to be there for his son too. I am done trying to make sense of what he writes. It is the same thing over and over. No more letters or contact. DARK I SAY!

Good girl, durham. We're with you.

WH left the letter in my mailbox yesterday when he picked up bills. He also came into the house and saw that the nursery is painted. He left a note that said, The nursery looks awesome! Our sone will love it!! I'm sorry.

I am reminding him of NC today. I think he will respect that. Even if I get another letter in the mail I am not going to read it. I have plenty of others to read. They just say the same thing. It just sets me back in my recovery and causes more pain. I feel great when I am in NC.

I sent the following email to WH to remind him of NC:
I read your letter and assume that you want to talk about our son. It has never been my intention to shut you out of our sons life. We will cross that bridge when he comes into the world. At this time I don't feel that it is appropriate or necessary for you to contact me in anyway including letters. I accept the decision you have made and am moving on with my life.

He responded and said: OK
Do you think he will be able to hold it? It has been two weeks and he has tried to break plan B a million times.

Durham, he will probably try to contact you again.

I am sure that HE is feeling rejected by you.
And it is good for him to feel that way; might get him moving faster through the fog into the light.

You are on my mind a lot.
Since you are pregnant (I think with your first child) I have such empathy for you.

This should be a HAPPY time between a H and W.
A time where H feels baby's movements with his hand on your stomach...a time of looking forward to being a mommy and daddy TOGETHER...Loving one another and the baby boy.

You said he doesn't love you.
I don't believe that for a second!
For some unknown reason, he has been carried away with this new romance, he is in a 'smitten state'...it will run out, this excitement, and I honestly believe he will be back. (If you want him back when HE is ready.)

I think in your e-mail, it would have been a good idea to remind him to re-read the Plan B letter on HOW he can come back to you and your home. What do you think? Does he for sure know he is welcome back IF he breaks it completely off with the OW?
Love, Julie

durham - why did you not refer to your prior (Plan B) letter?

This is what he needs to re-read.

Don't send another message, but perhaps have your intermediary refer him to it.

WAT

Stay dark - NIGHT VISION DARK (as somebody here advised me months ago - wish I had taken that advice...)

WHY is he coming into your home?!?
That just gives me the creeps.
And putting the letter in your mailbox - the dude has a definite problem with boundaries IMO.

You informed him you would only have contact with him through intermediary right? So maybe you should have just ignored the letter left in your mailbox?

I really have to get tougher with my WH too. He refused going through an intermediary so I settled for just written communication that I reserve the right to copy to others (wanting to contact me in secret is my WH's big hang-up, without OW and his family knowing he wants contact with me) But I know I really should insist on contact only through an intermediary (IF only I could find somebody to agree to do that. I'm actually thinking of setting up a fake intermediary through e-mail.... It would really be me but WH wouldn't know that.)

IMO your Plan B is working really well! And it would work even better if you would insist he has to go through the intermediary. He KNOWS exactly what he has to do. His pretense otherwise is pathetic and desparate attempt to see if you will take his bait without him having to get rid of OW. Do NOT give an inch. ONLY respond through intermediary, ONLY respond that he needs to refer to Plan B letter you gave him, and ONLY respond when he goes through intermediary NOT when he contacts you any other way.

Now - I am going to start taking that same advice myself LOL

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

durham - My WH leaves letters in the mailbox. I just file them away in a drawer. I have a whole pile of them. I don't respond at all.

Believe me, they know what is necessary to get back to the marriage. They just don't want to DO what is needed.

Hang in there with our MB baby. How did you get the nursery painted? And are you eating right and taking care of you?

Durham

Please avoid contact at all costs.

You might want to read what my FWH had to say about the damage done when contact is made during Plan B. FWH is Lost Bird.

Lost Bird on Plan B

Also, join us at Save Your Marriage Central for more advice and support.

Durham...

It is working. Plan B is KILLING him. And he is probably being a GROUCHY a-hole with the OW. He is being TORTURED...thinking about his lovely son, and you, and all he is missing. And damn it, he should be.

FOLLOW EVERYONE's ADVICE. For you, your M, and your precious son. One day, when you are gray, and your son is grown, you can tell him the old story of how you fought for your marriage. And how it hurt like hell. And how you were unconventional, and brave, and strong, and solid, and RIGHT.

Whatever happens, you know he has to wallow in his own guilt, misery, and REALITY... of what he has done/is doing, what he could potentially miss/is missing...let him feel this.

You love him and it is hard to see him suffer...but you are not punishing him.

He is punishing himself...and let's face it, IT IS WRONG what he is doing.

And he can end it. Leave OW..come home, experience your pregnancy, be a TRUE father. But the WS always tries to take the easier path. Let me say enough to seem pathetic, tug at her heart strings, and that way I do not have to give up anything. I can have it all.

What he does not realize, is he is not really getting closer to keeping everything...he is getting closer to LOSING everything.

Until he can do what HE KNOWS he needs to do, he does not deserve to know you. And he does deserve to face what this choice will bring him. And that is, a long distance, disjointed, broken relationship with your lovely son. The GREAT possibility that you will move on, remarry, and another man will have the priveledge of raising HIS child.

Let him own this. It is all his. ALL HIS. And it is eating him up inside. And it should. Don't let it eat up you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />