I did call H today. There were terrible storms here & I knew he'd be driving right through them to get back to his brother's place. So... I kept it short & pleasant and told him I just wanted him to be careful & safe on his drive. Then I called him this evening just to be sure he'd made it safely as there were alot of accidents being reported on the news that were on the roads he was driving. He seemed fine, maybe even just a tad bit pleased that I was concerned for his safety. I ended both conversations with a quick, upbeat, "I have to get back to work now. I love you." I didn't say it in a way as to let on that I was waiting to hear it back. But he answers "I know you do. Bye." And he seems irritated. Is this what is meant by a spouse in withdrawal being unwilling to accept love deposits? Is this something I shouldn't be doing?

Can someone out there please help me with this? My desire to call him is overwhelming!! I just don't know if it's the right thing to do? Also, if it irritates him when I say "I love you", then does that make my doing it a LB for him?? I am desperately trying to figure out how to make love deposits right now! My only contact with him is through phone & email as he does not want to see me in person - at least not yet, he says. How can I try to meet some of his EN in this way?

Okay, first you need to calm down, and be smart. I would stop contacting him. It seems like it is just irritating him.

Most of us have been through a similar situation. It is very miserable, but we will help you. You will have better days ahead.

How long have you been married? Right now the only thing you can change is yourself. So put husband on the back burner, and work on you. Try to remember what his complaints were, and start there.

OK, so I'm really confused. Isn't Plan A about making love deposits & trying to meet EN? How can I do that with no contact? I feel I very much need to do that, otherwise I will lose him for sure. I am so scared & confused right now. We have been together for 12 years, married for 9 of those years. I am doing my best to work on improving myself, it's just so hard when he is what occupies my mind night & day. I want to be a better person - for him AND for me. I'm just so terrified he'll never give me the chance to show him that I can do it.

Dear Friend.
It seems the fear of losing someone we love, is a giant wake-up call for us.
I am sure that is what happened to you.
(It did for me, made me realize how much I loved my husband when I thought I might lose him to some other lady!)

So my dear, your H needs to have that same fear that he might lose you.
Right now, you are like his sweet puppy; you are loving him regardless of his actions, petting him, being nice and kind and so on...

That is good that he has those actions from you but following are some reasons to try NO CONTACT with him for awhile, and still be doing Plan A when you do have contact FROM him.

Try letting HIM be the aggessor in the contact.
Love, Julie (These REASONS were NOT written by me but by some SMART lady. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

"6 GOOD Reasons For "No Contact"
1. Your ex is doing "no contact". You wouldn't be sweating those digits if they were calling you. When people love you, you love them. When people stay away from you, you should do the same. Hey, you don't want to be where you're not wanted, do you?

2. Begging and pleading doesn't work. If it did, you wouldn't be here. So try something different.

3. You're just asking for a panic attack. I don't know how many stories I've read on here of people who have given in and called or e-mailed and were completely slapped in the face or ignored by their ex. Then they're back at square one, feeling as bad as they did the day they got dumped. Or for those of you who get those ambiguous responses, you're given a tiny piece of string to hold onto while they continue to go out and have their fun - without you. It ain't worth it, honey.

4. What about you? Don't you deserve to be called and missed? Your ex wasn't the only one in the relationship, and you shouldn't be the only one calling. Guess what? He/she knows your number/e-mail address too. It's not fair to have one-sided communication. Invest that time and energy into yourself.

5. You won't be able to move on if you're still holding on to old ghosts. I say old ghosts because he/she isn't there anymore. They've moved on, some for better, a lot for worse. But the point is they've moved on. And you know what? If they really love you and they see that you're better than the rest out there, they'll be back. And if they don't, then you'll find someone who will think you're top dog. And you deserve that. Interesting stat - 90% of people in the US get married at least once. So it's against the odds that you'll be alone forever.

6. God loves you. He doesn't want to see you suffer. But God teaches those that he loves, so sometimes we have some hard lessons to learn. Take it in stride and gain everything that you can. He will be pleased and send you all that your heart needs and wants. Don't believe me? "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart."

Psalm 37:4.

So let go of the phones and cancel the e-mails. Go read a good book. Pray, take a walk, write in a diary, post on here. But leave your ex alone. He/she will thank you for it, and you'll be thanking yourself later."

I hate to thread jack!

BT

Thanks I needed to read that myself. It really did help me not want to contact him anymore. It made sense it really did.

HINY

wanthim...

plan A is about meeting EN and filling the lovebank...but it is best done in ways that are not pressuring...and sometimes not so 'typical"...

plan a since it is a plan...is to me....showing your love...

the whole thing about the I love you mantra..
is that the WS at this point.

1. isn't acting very loving...to the BS or the OP...

2. they are confused about love means....and so it annoys them when others pretty much have figured out what love means...

3. they love to change to the definitions of words...
answer back 'you don't LOVE me".... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So in contact think of other ways things to do...

remind him a funny story or thing that happened to you two..be upbeat...act like it is not THAT important...but that it triggers a memory...

leave a favorite snack or dessert for him at work....

take him coffee..drop it off and leave...exit quickly....

tow call is too many..
one about the weather is better...
always end the conversation first...especially when going good...

ark

We've been together 12 years, and married for 9 of them. The only thing he will tell me is that he didn't feel loved because I didn't show enough affection. So I want to do that! I want to show him the affection that I've always felt & just not been good at communicating. But HOW am I supposed to do that??? I am so scared. This man is the first - and only love of my life (been together since I was 15). That's how it's supposed to be forever. And now, because I'm such a screw up & he felt he couldn't talk to me about it, my life will never be the same & I'm losing the one thing that means the most to me in this entire world. How can I deal with that?

I'm afraid by not contacting him & trying hard in plan A that he will only remember the bad feelings he had when he left. I haven't had enough time - or expertise - to even begin to start refilling his love bank. I want the chance... I desperately want the chance!!!

Wanting if you tell your WS you love them it just pushes them away further, also talking about your relationship and your marriage will do this also. Trust me I know I did this to my W and it just pushed her farther away. In Plan A you want to be upbeat and nice so you can show your WS that he will be missing the wonderful person that is you. No Love Busting during these converstations. When you do talk make sure that your the first one to say something to the effect "well I have to go have some things to take care of" first one to end the conversation.

I wish you luck you are getting sound advice from everyone here trust them they know what they are talking about.

Breath deeply Girl, this will only make things worse. You will need to calm down first. In my case my W tried despretly not to let it show. I had that very LB(Love Buster) not exprssing love as I would like. Now she has been transformed into a very loving W, she actually expreses her love when I come home, Hugs, Kisses on Lips, Food on the table, laundry, house clean and neet. I have quite a list of LB and she is doing excelent on them, I have done prety good myself with her LB's. Now, getting back to your situation, if you wan't the love of your life back you must be a lot of things (patient, caring, strong, wity, and most important in control) and you can only achive them if your in conditions to handle the emotional rollercoster ride all this will cause.

Please sit down take some Camomile Tea, this will help to calm your nerves. I to was the only BF my w had ever had. I still left her for OW, we let the ball fall some were along the way.

I suggest you not contact him, just a brief comment, that you have a great desire to change, and unconditional love for him, and if he needs a friend to drop you a line (this should work in his mind when the nose tightens)

To Success,

FCalunga

HOS(37)me
WS(38)
M17
DD 12/7/03
NC 3/26/04
3 kids
In Recovery

Dear Wanting him back.
We all know you desperately want a second chance to show him all the love and affection you have for him.

But just for, let's say today, don't contact him.
You do not want him to feel pressured in any way by you. It would be nice if he contacted you, now wouldn't it?

Then maybe tomorrow, that little e-mail note of "if you ever need a friend, I am here for you."
There are some cute e-cards that say just that.
I know of a cute one, I will try to find it for you...It is short and simple!

Maybe do like Ark suggested of bringing him a cup of coffee or dessert. Maybe bake him his favorite pie, with no strings attached to spend time with you.

I like the idea of cutting conversations off before H says it is time to hang up.
You go first, don't hang on too long!

Just keep doing little indescreet nicities.
And you don't have to tell him you love him anymore; he said he knows you do!

Sincerely, Julie

OK, so this raises another question for me. I get the idea that by being the first to end the conversation I will be more likely to be able to contain my emotions and may possibly even leave him wanting more... However, by doing that, won't he feel that I'm doing it all over again - not making him top priority & putting other things ahead of him??

I wish this were easier!!! If I could just get in his head & know what he's thinking...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> won't he feel that I'm doing it all over again - not making him top priority & putting other things ahead of him??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could question this to death, but it is the right thing to do, if you project a person of confidence and caring and show the good you then you know that you have done the best Plan A you can. Anyways aren't you supposed to be his #1 priority? He has to realize that with or without him your life is going to go on and if you project a confident person and not a needy one he might second guess himself on his current decision.

Wanthimback, please take this advice with a large grain of salt, because I am new at this. If you analyze your past with your H what are his EN. Can you see the things he did to show love to you? Those things are how he shows love and in order to start making deposits to his LB, those are the things that you will need to learn how to do. For me I feel my greatest EN is physical contact, a touch, a hug, a kiss. It doesn't have to be prolonged, but a simple touch has a profound effect.

Dear Dorban.
I clicked on your name on the left and then on the right 'view recent posts' and see you just started a thread yesterday.

Here it is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=014644;p=1#000000

I feel bad that you don't know if your wife is staying for the right reasons.

But Dorham, she IS there in your home with you...there is always somewhere else she could have went.

Just keep reading here, perhaps copy and paste your first post and start a topic here in General Questions...you will get LOTS of good advice.

We are really GOOD at GIVING advice; just not always so good at TAKING our own advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Sincerely, Julie

wanthimback

If you take all of the advice given here and put it in a pot and boil it, you will find the end result is "show" your love by actions. Saying I Love You, is easy, and anyone can say it. Those who can show their love by actions can and do make deposits in the LB$.

Plug in all the ideas in the previous posts, avoid LB's at all cost, work on making you a better you, and the rest will fall into place.

Wishing you well!
SD

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

"6 GOOD Reasons For "No Contact"

Blessed TIME ,

Excellent advice!!! Those concepts you mentioned are really more effective than anything else a person can do to draw a person back to a committed relationship. They usually don't come back and CHOOSE to be in a relationship until they FEEL you have let go and are perfectly ok and fine without them...... Keep up the good and correct advice for saving relationships

I want to thank you all so much for your kindness & words of wisdom! I've been feeling so hopeless & out of control that, although I was reading through the site & reading the replies, I wasn't able to really "get it" at first. It is finally sinking in, though. I feel stronger in this moment than I have since H left. Lord only knows what the next 5 minutes will hold for my emotions, but I am thankful for this one moment! I did send the "I'm here if you need a friend to talk to" email earlier - he responded with a simple "Thank you." Better than nuttin', I guess. I am committing myself to NOT calling or emailing him. I'm not sure how I will handle it when those urges to call become so overwhelming, as I know they will... but hopefully I will figure that out as I go. I am considering baking a peach cobbler (his fave) & dropping it off at his office - maybe at lunchtime when he is out of office. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to?? It's so confusing for me... don't contact him, but try to SHOW your love & affection... Would this be a feasible way for me to do that?

Dear Wanting him back.
You did GREAT with that short little e-mail and he did answer. (He didn't HAVE to, you know.)

And that home-made peach cobbler sounds like a really good idea. Bring some little paper plates and forks so he can share it.
And it sounds like a really good idea to deliver when he is at lunch.

Very indescreet and showing you don't NEED to see him. (Just might fill his love bank piggy bank with some love money."
Remember the old motto: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Keep up the laid back attitude on contacting him. Let him be the aggressive one, the pursuer.
Love, Julie

Hi again.
I just copied this message from Christy V. on Hope and Faith's thread.
It was written to 'very regretful'.

In case you missed reading it. I am copying and pasteing it here also. The message has a lot of sincere feelings in it.

I know for me, as the BW, my H's affair was like a GIANT wake-up call and I made a complete U-turn.

No more taking him for granted.
And I think you feel exactly the same and desperately want to show it to H.
Love, Julie

**********************************************
ChristyV
Member
Member # 33532

posted May 14, 2004 09:57 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, am impressed with the sense of remorse, openness, and interest in rebuilding your marriage. All the current BSs on the site dream for spouses like you. I treated my WH like gold before I found out, after, and for months and months until he moved out...and he was always the most upright, integrity driven, Christian man I have ever known, and now...he is so lost.

Anyway, I wanted to respond to a question you posed about your H making a total about face, and questioning the sincerity and permanency of that change.

Let me share that I was disrespectful, caustic, angry, controlling, and the OPPOSITE of submissive. I was living totally contrary to God's command for a wife.

And I assumed this was a "dynamic" that worked for us. It was stupid, immature, and completely ridiculous to think that my treatment of H would be acceptable to him, or any man for that matter, but I did. I just thought, hey, I wear the pants in the family, and he is alright with that. And I lose my temper and say mean, disrespectful things...but he knows I do not mean it.

I ASSumed all of that because my H did not display his unhappiness the same way I did. In other words, if I was unhappy, trust me, EVERYONE knew about it. My mouth was out of control...and I inflicted a lot of damage with my tongue (I obviously had not read the book of James, and heard the analogy of the mouth being compared to the pits of hell). When he was unhappy, he just withdrew. He pulled all tha pain, and anger, and dissapointment inside of himself, where it sat and festered. And he did not say a word...but he withdrawal a little. But I just say that as him being tired, or stressed, or surrending to my controlling ways.

When I found out about the A, a giant, 2 x 1 million hit me smack dab in the forehead, and I was so shocked into reality...that it took my breath away.

When my H came home from an international trip and told me he did not love me...I was shocked.
One day I was hurting so badly, that I prayed fervently for God to help me. I happened to turn on the Christian radio station, and heard a focus on the family broadcast. It was a guest speaker, Emerson Eggerichs, and he was talking about how women need love, and men need respect. He talked about Ephesians 5, and all the things the bible says about marital relationships.

And in that moment, I cried and cried and cried.

The fact was, I DID feel immense love and respect for my H. He was my hero. I admired every single thing about him. Really and truly. But I naively thought my careless treatment of him was ok with him, because he loved me unconditionally. No matter what. And he HAD to know I admired and respected him, right?

God told me WRRRRROOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

And in that moment, He changed my heart. And it wasn't false or fake or me acting a certain way to keep my H...it was sincere, because I did truly respect and admire him, I had just done a terrible job showing him.

A WEEK LATER, I found out about the A.

And in all of that, I treated him respectfully, NEVER saying a mean or cruel thing about him, or her, or the situation. Just tried to reason with him to give our M another shot.

I now hope and pray those several months while he was here, experiencing what life with the changed me could be like, that it planted some seeds that will someday bring him home.

The A, dismantling of our M, and all the pain and betrayal and confessions, and finally, communication about what he was feeling, enduring before he committed the A, all of it, was out there, and it was what I needed to finally see what part I had played to help us get to where we were at that point.

And maybe, it was realized too late.

But I bet, it was a permanent change.

--------------------
BS, me- 31
WH- 31
M- 9 yrs, 2gethr 13 yrs
10/03- H said "IDLY" & started Plan A
11/03- d-day
3/2/04- WH moved out
3/23/04- Started Plan B
I am taking one day at a time. God, your will be done, not mine!