When my WH moved out in March he didn't tell me where he was going to live. I wasn't to keen on not knowing, but I thought at the time that I would grant him his space. He said it was time to work on ourselves.

Since then I only saw him once, shopping with the OW. So I know she is back in his life. Even though he told me they are just friends.

The OW is moving out of a house, her and her soon to be ex-husband lived in. The OW is a client of mine, and she told my assistant that she will be moving to a new place soon. She is such a cowaard she won't even call me directly, she only emails me, and personally she is not worth my time to contact her.

Anyway, last night my WH told me to call him, about the new changes on my computer he has made. My neighbor told me he left 10 minutes before I got home, he doesn't have the nerve to see me face to face.

I did call him, it was basically about the computer and small talk; but in the background a heard a women's voice and kitchen noices, like dishes moving around and sound of a microwave,

I was going to ask where he was, or who was in the background, but our conversation was going well and didn't want to ruin it.

Also in the conversation, he mention money is getting really tight, must be expensive to keep her.

The problem is he still has a key to our house, and he said if I changed the locks it would mean I don't want him anymore, but I can't know where he is living or with whom if anyone.

You SHOULD change the locks, my H moved out and is living with OW... I changed locks, he was taking things out of house behind my back.

My H tried telling me they are JUST roommates!
good one right? OW moved out of her house and 3 children to live with my H and they both moved out of state.

Be careful, don;t be taken in by his comments, he is just unwilling to make up his mind, its not that he can't he doesn;t want to, right now he has two women who want him and it feels GOOD!

THis weekend change all locks - if he is not living with you- then you should feel secure!

I understand your pain and feel your pain., it's the most horrible thing anyone of us could go through. I wake up at night and wonder WHY, HOW, WHEN and wish it would all go away.

Reality is, I filed for divorce, he asked for it and I did it. I caught him in so many lies and questioned them he got angry and said "Im done- it's time to move on" to be it., now I just have to learn how to cope.....

Hang in there, be smart and be good to yourself.
Change the locks, show him you mean business and will be an independent person without him.

BS me(44)
H (47)
D-day 4/21 left for the 6th time been gone since
Children 16,18

What plan are you in? i went to Plan B on Tuesday and I changed my garage door opener and my locks on Wednesday! Never mind how H found out, too long to get into and I am not even supposed to be posting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but I want to help others. Change the locks...Change the garage door opener. YOU are his WIFE, not her. HE is YOUR husband. ANd Please, Please, Please, DO NOT SUPPORT HIM AT ALL. DO NOT give him any mney. He is the one doing this to you, he finds the money.

If he thinks that changing the locks means a D let him think that. WHy you HE have access to YOUR place, and you not to his.

See I get confused. I thinks he wants me to be independent. He said he separated the car insurance to make me independent. I don't want to be independent but I don't want to be so co-dependent either. I believe the more independent I become the better he feels about leaving me.

Before he left he kept telling me that I'm strong and independent and I will be okay.

I don't know why he makes a big deal of not telling me where he is living. I'm not going to drive by or snoop, (He knows that) I really don't want anymore pain by finding anything more out about his affair. The one reason of not telling is if he is living with OW.

I never bring her up in our conversations. I did mention something in passing yesterday, because one of our friends were trying to gossip about the OW and her marriage and trying to find out whats going on with them, thinking I might know something. Little does she know, how much I really know whats going on.

As a wife, should I know where he is living and who he is living with, no matters how much it hurts, so I know what situation that I'm dealing with.

I'm also confused in what plan I'm really in. I'm trying Plan A, not trying to LB. Trying to avoid conflict in our conversations.

I'm not really ready to stop all contact with him. I already feel he has done the "out of sight, out of mind" For fourteen years we spoke everyday ( even when he was out of town) until he left March 4. We might speak once a week now. I guess I'm afraid if I totally stop comunicating with him, I'll lose him forever. He'll forget all about me.

By changing the locks, he might be thinking I don't want him back, but I do also understand he needs to be told its me or the OW, you can't have both.

I know everybody wants me to change the locks, I know our dog Chloe loves him to stop by. She is the only one that gets lovin from him lately in the household.

He said it was time to work on ourselves.

Now you know he's a liar. Right?

So I know she is back in his life. Even though he told me they are just friends.

And , now you know he's a liar. Right?


Anyway, last night my WH told me to call him, about the new changes on my computer he has made. My neighbor told me he left 10 minutes before I got home, he doesn't have the nerve to see me face to face.

And now you know he's a liar and a coward. Right?

I did call him, it was basically about the computer and small talk; but in the background a heard a women's voice and kitchen noices, like dishes moving around and sound of a microwave,

And he's still a liar.

I was going to ask where he was, or who was in the background, but our conversation was going well and didn't want to ruin it.

And you recognize your own cowardace. You recognize your own conflict avoiding. Right?

Also in the conversation, he mention money is getting really tight, must be expensive to keep her.

Why do you think he mentioned this? Does he want money from you

The problem is he still has a key to our house,

Because you are a conflict avoider.

and he said if I changed the locks it would mean I don't want him anymore,

But, you now know he's a liar. Right? So why do you believe this threat?

He's a coward and a liar.... and he's using your weakness (conflict avoider) to manipulate this entire situation...

but I can't know where he is living or with whom if anyone.

Because of your weakness, fears, and disinclination to directly confront a serious problem head on... you don't know where your H is living while he is free to come and go in your home.

What is wrong with this picture?

What do you think about my analysis?

Am I 50% correct? 60%? 90%?

Here's a terrible combo for recovery....

Frightened conflict avoider BS

vs

Liar/manipulator cowardly WS.

Where can the recovery begin?

Neither is willing to make brave principled-based decisions...

>wishy washy >wishy washy< wishy washy>wishy washy<

.... back and forth but no forward movement

Sorry... the way you are going, there is no one strong enough to stand up for the marriage!

Pep

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,

You are right. Ever since we separated, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. Avoiding conflict.

When he was still living at home, and I brought up issues, he did everything to avoid them. Never wanted to answer them and threatening to leave.

Guess what, he left anyway.

He doesn't want people to know we are separated and he is counting on me to keep quiet. My in-laws told me today, they are tired of hiding the fact we are separated and that my H and I should sit down and discuss how we are going to break the news to people.

My in-laws said they are embarrassed by the situation, but the truth needs to come out. Maybe I should start telling people WITHOUT discussing it with him. Maybe the reality of what he has done, needs to be revealed and the reality of situation to slap him in the face. Instead of me keeping his dirty little secret quiet.

I know I'm a strong independent woman, but this situation has made me timid and my self-esteem very low.

He is my world. He used to be a fun-loving, God loving and such a devoted Husband. A peacemaker. He treated me with such respect and love. After he lost his job, he doesn't want to take any responsibility, (financially or for our marriage.)

He has become a coward, liar and cheater. It has become easier for him to run away from his problems, instead of facing them. The worse part, I'm helping him.

As for the money, believe me I supported him enough the last year, making it possible for him to go out and have an A. He is not getting a cent from me.

It is time for me to take a stand, to see a lawyer and change the locks. I also want to fight for my marriage, but I don't know how.

You haven't exposed his Affair? You need to expose his Affair to everyone you know. Will he get mad? Yes, he will...because he knows it is wrong! You have got to get stronger and take a stand. He is walking all over you because you are letting him. Change the locks. Why should he be allowed to come and go as he pleases and you cant know hwere he is living. Listen to Pep...she knows what she is talking about.

I changed my locks AND my garage door opener....beleive me, they say one thing and do the opposite. Babble, babble babble. dont threat, do it!

Originally posted by HopelesslyDevoted2:


He doesn't want people to know we are separated and he is counting on me to keep quiet.

Time to send out flyers in the mail! LOL.

Just kidding...

Expose to all important people and places... church too.

Maybe I should start telling people WITHOUT discussing it with him.

Bingo!

Maybe the reality of what he has done, needs to be revealed and the reality of situation to slap him in the face. Instead of me keeping his dirty little secret quiet.

Many times it takes YOU creating a crisis to wake the poor foggy man up!

CREAT A CRISIS THAT WAKES HIM FROM HIS SLUMBER.

I know I'm a strong independent woman, but this situation has made me timid and my self-esteem very low.

Gotch'a. You can recover your real identity. But it takes courage.

He is my world.

And that makes it worth fighting for.

He used to be a fun-loving, God loving and such a devoted Husband. A peacemaker. He treated me with such respect and love. After he lost his job, he doesn't want to take any responsibility, (financially or for our marriage.)

And this is why HE is worth fighting for.

Fight HARD. EXPOSE.

He has become a coward, liar and cheater. It has become easier for him to run away from his problems, instead of facing them. The worse part, I'm helping him.

Yup.

You're a fast learner.

As for the money, believe me I supported him enough the last year, making it possible for him to go out and have an A. He is not getting a cent from me.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You go girl. OW wants him?... let her experience the thrill of him spending HER money! $$$ LOL

It is time for me to take a stand, to see a lawyer and change the locks. I also want to fight for my marriage, but I don't know how.
Call Penny at save your marriage... She's a coach.

I think your chances are awesome because you did an awesome Plan A... Ask Penny to coach you. Any cost is cheaper than a D.

Pep

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

link

site to get a coach

Pep,

Thanks for the advice, the link and opening my eyes.

I have been thinking. The OW and I have many of the same friends; they have been asking me about her and her marriage. Knowing that my H and I are probably the closest to them. They know her H filed for divorce, but they don't know the reason.

Now that I'm thinking more clearly.

I have been keep HER dirty little secret too.

Its time for me to take action, and stop be malipulated by him. When he is ready to act like a man and take responsibility, thats when my marriage has a chance. Until then, the OW can have him, I don't want a grown person who acts like coward and runs from his problems. Who lies, cheats and can not be trusted. I deserve better.

BTW, I know I am a better person than she will ever be. (and deep down my WH knows that too)