ok hubby is finally in counseling with me. for those of you that done know a little background...

affair was with co-worker.d-day was 12-9-01.contact continued for awhile afterward. since then i have plan a'd. superstrong in the beginning but it wanned as time went on. he wouldnt do any real work for the recovery...just had the "i'm here arent i attitude." so i have been waiting for something to happen for almost three years. before the affair i begged for help for our marriage and begged for my needs to be met..he wouldnt do either. so i have been waiting for something to change for a long time.

in the years since...i have gotten excited for the little things he's done....only to be crushed the following week by something else. it has been a pattern for years. the crumbs he threw kept me going, hanging on. he still has no integrity in his word and i still do not feel safe with him. he is only now starting to meet some of my needs, on the threat that i was done and if he didnt get into counseling he could leave come this summer. i was done.

ok enough history---the problem now is i am not jumping through hoops when he does something because i have been so conditioned not to trust it by him. at counseling he just sits there and doesnt really participate. he has done better in trying to meet some of the easier needs and i do appreciate it. but i find myself so afraid to trust it because i dont see any progress in the areas to make me feel safe.(ie: him talking and participating at the counselors, talking about his feelings, avoiding the homework assaigments etc. oh and not following through on something he says he's gonna do.) he doesnt realize that these little lies by omission or saying he is going to do something and then not....is whats gonna kill us. the only thing i have to hang the rest of my life on is his word....which means nothing. no integrity in it.

so how do i make the leap of faith when i have none. after waiting sooooo long, i wonder if i waited to long. let the resentment build, walls to protect me went up, and became to detatched so he wouldnt hurt me any further. how do i , or should i, let him in again. everything in my being is screaming he isnt safe yet.

i could really use some help from others who have been waiting for long periods of time before their spouses finally did something---how did you feel and how did you get through it? thanks

bump............................

nikko

I realize 7 months of waiting for my H to get it and participate in MC is nothing like the 3 years you've been waiting, but it felt like it!

I'm just not sure you have to *leap*.

I'm just thinking back to when my H started to get it about working on our M and recovery. He didn't all of a sudden jump in with both feet, but gradually...starting first by becoming accountable for time...then trying to show me love...then started sharing his feelings...then...it was (still is) a gradual process. I remember feeling suspicious at first...I felt like I was in a funk for about 6 weeks because 1) didn't believe it 2) it didn't *happen all at once*.

I'm gradually starting to gain some trust for him as he gradually *gets into the program*.

If you look at it as a gradual process rather than all at once, how do things feel to you?

Take care.

sss

Hi nikko,

I understand Pepper's point of view. Being in similar shoes as yours, for about as long, I think trust also plays into it. He has to earn your trust again. The question is how? What will/should you see? It will probably be different than the typical soon-after-the-affair-ends stuff that we read a lot about. How long should you see it before trusting that it is a lasting change?

This is my opinion nikko, and I have no end of the story to tell you so it's just a guess on my part. If you still have it in you to keep going, then I think as long as FWH is doing SOMETHING on a consistent basis then you give him time and patience.

So far, he is attending counseling sessions. Is he attending all of them or is he cancelling and/or rescheduling repeatedly for reasons that are suspect? These are the things I think need to be taken into consideration. If he is attending but not seeming to participate, maybe that is nothing more than a DJ on your part, or maybe it is another way for him to make you think/hope he is working on it to keep you around longer. Maybe the counselor could help you two communicate about this so that you both know what's really going on?

I'm so pleased to see that you still have some oomph left in you nikko. I know very well feeling like the horse who sees the barn after a long journey. Can you maintain a slow and steady trot in case your H is taking a different path to your barn that you cannot see--or until you're positive that your H isn't really headed for your barn at all?

Did any of this make sense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Take care nikko

pep----i understand what you are saying. was gonna type more, but im gonna shut up and keep moving foward. learn to appreciate things. thanks

dear still so sad---thanks for reminding me as long as he is trying its a good thing. baby steps---baby steps. i guess the problem is i dont have the exuberance i once had with the baby steps and he knows it. i will try harder.

dear lovingboundries---yes he goes to all appts. he hasnt cancelled one yet. we go together. i wasnt making a disrespectful judgement....he really just sits there. i am thinking of setting an appt for just me and the counselor---i am not quite sure of what hubby told him the first go around by himself. i do have specific things i need him to help me with...hubbys accountability--when he says something, he follows through. his lack of communication...things like this. maybe i will talk to him again.

i guess my fear is based in knowing this is the last shot.(for me anyway) in order to stay in this marriage i need to feel safe. so i will work at it and have patience.

any other thoughts.

nikko,

Your love for him is his responsibility to nurture. Make sure you tell honestly about your emotion and be safe to open up & lead him to fillin your ENs & avoiding LB's.

You know, we, men need a check list on what to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ...

-rh-

Nikko,

I see the shadow of my WH here. When he was not in fog, he was like this. He is semi like this now.

Went to MB weekend, talked to SH, listen to lessons, but no actions. He only show that he is willing to do house work, like taking out of gabbage, cooking, mowing the lawn. But he is very very distant to me. I can't imagine this will go on for 3 years. You are really super.

yeah, yeah... a list!!! I'd kill for a list right now...

I guess I can really relate to what you are saying. My W and I could both file the same complaint... it's hard to get excited about baby steps after being let down a gazillion times...

The thing is, you have to take a chance. You have to let the walls down and trust a little. In the end, you may get screwed... it may not work... but if you [i]don't[/b] show appreciation for the efforts he's making, there's little incentive to keep making them and you are almost orchestrating your own demise. Better to take the chance and have a chance. That's my opinion.

My 2 cents. (got change for a nickel?)

dewt

nikko

I promised an answer, I rather don't give now for our own sake!

Just follow your heart, and btw, I don't think you are afraid to let him in, but to finally let him out!

Take care

thanks guys---this is what i need to hear---i have to find a way to believe again.

i have to make something perfectly clear---i have given very many and very, very, detailed lists over the years. and very simple things for the most part. very simple---i know better than to make it complicated.

i have a week on an island with him next week. his dream vacation.....im hoping for a renewal of my faith in him. return of the hopefulness.

keep talking me into it---its helping...thanks.