I hope that each and every poster here reads this, because to you I must give you my deepest thanks.
The short of my story/background is, my W was involved w/another man since 1996. Although I 'suspected' the truth did not come out until April '04. (Can we all say "in denial" real loud?) W also is obsessed about work. Which you've shown me is also an "affair".
I have been 'unhappy' for years. It was just easier to deal with the continued rejection, living alone/together, than to take that first step to seeing the elephant. (Some of us "look" at the elephant, but we choose not to "see" the elephant.)
I used to say "it's financial reasons", but I forced myself to sit down and come up with a budget and guess what? I realized I don't NEED 300 cable channels, a 60" TV, to go out to dinner once or twice a week, etc. etc.
Instead, I listed what I really need to survive. (Hint: A roof over my head, food on the table, clothes to wear to work). The rest is just trappings of society. So I set the thermostat at 75 in the summer instead of 70, So what if I don't get that 'new' car I've been promising myself for another year or two? So what if I eat more chicken instead of steak? Sure, I promised myself retirement at 55 (5 years from now), but, if I have to work another 5 years, so what? I was going to do something else anyway. If I'm single again and not trying to plan "fun" weekends, what do I have to do with my new found time? Hmm, would a part-time job be all that terrible?

So, exactly what is keeping me in a marriage that (a) is void of love, affection, sex (b) better when we are not around each other (c) we have nothing in common anymore?
After looking at the black and white of the list's, I can't come up with any legitimate, hard reason's to stay. Therefore, if I stay, there must be an emotional reason.

Hope this makes sense, just wanted to thank you ALL very much for your comments, not just to my post's, but to others as well. There is a depth of wisdom here that I have found deeply worthwhile.


My point is, that you all have provided assistance to these insights.

don't know your story, i've only been around since february (wish i had been for longer in order to preven the things that has happenes). thank you for sharing and hope that things are going well w/you. are you and your W in recovery? prayers to you.

W is still in denial about her affair. The key is that I have grown, I have changed, I no longer fear the unknown. Because of each and every one on this site, I'm just a little bit better each day. I know I'm not at fault, the decision to have an affair was hers, and hers alone.

Dear John.
I went and found your first post on your first thread.
I am going to copy and paste it here so others can get to know you.

It is a long message but it helps us understand.
I don't have advice for you.
I guess I think she is lying about having a physical affair with this OM friend of hers!

But what to do about it, will have to be advice from others.

By the way, I can't help but wonder if you have another woman you are having an emotional attachment to? (Just a question, John)

Sincerely, Julie

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Johndoe
Junior Member
Member # 34903

posted May 07, 2004 09:41 AM
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Like others, I'm new here and am thankful I found this website. It has helped save my sanity. Here then, is my story, Sorry it's so long.

The bottom line is, my wife has been having an affair with another man for about 8 years. I suspected something was amiss, but like a fool, buried my head in the sand and never looked for evidence until it hit me in the head, quite by accident.

She does not deny knowing, or speaking, to this man, but she denies having an affair. (of course, typical behavior, right?)

We are in marriage counselling, the counsellor knows about this issue and is attempting to help us work through it, if possible.

For those of you wanting to know the details, read on...

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have one child. Several years ago, she took a new job and established herself as a very knowledgable and capable employee, causing management to assign her new and more challenging work.

Her career is very important to her, and I tried to support her in every way possible, taking our child to school/picking her up, providing the "care and feeding" duties in the evening, etc.

Soon, she was placed on a task-force with several other employee's, some from other offices out of town. The members of this team bonded, and not only did I hear about all the work going on, but also about the members of the task force. During this timeperiod, my wife was working an average of 11 hours a day, and very often was on travel to different parts of the country with the team. (for example, she would be gone about 2 or 3 weeks a month, coming home for weekends). This went on for several years.

Yes, I said years. A typical night at home, when she was in town, was her running in (late) changing clothes to go to the gym and then dashing out. She would come home about 90 minutes later and then sit down at the phone where she would work (on the phone) for another 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then, it was bedtime and the cycle repeated itself the next day...week... etc.

I worked on weekends, leaving home early in the morning and often not getting back until dinner time. So, as you can see, our interaction, our "own" time was almost non-existent.

Eventually, the team bonded so well that they would 'go out for a drink' after work. Wife would call me and ask if that would be o.k. with me and attempting to be supportive, I said sure. She did invite me several times, but who wants to leave a 9 year old alone for that length of time? Not me. Plus we had no one close by to call for a last minute sitter. So, I stayed home, waiting up for her.

She became so deeply obsessed with her job that any discussions we had during this period of time revolved around (1) her job (2) our daughter. Then, slowly at first, growing to more and more commentary, was (3) Howard (not his real name, and a member of this team. Soon, the conversation was job/howard. How great he was, how nice he was, things he enjoyed doing, etc. etc.

Eventually, I tired so much of hearing about Howard, that I asked her, "Are you having an affair with him?" which she denied. Then, I said, "I'm tired of hearing about Howard, I don't want to hear his name any more!" and, I did not.

Fast forward 5 or 6 years (today).

Our marriage was in name only, sharing a child and an address. Conversation was non-existent, strained at best. She worked late, she did "her thing", I did mine. We both withdrew from the marriage. Sex is better thought of as "whats that?" On the day I discovered the evidence of the affair, we had not had sexual relations in 10 months. Why? She kept turning me down and after awhile, it was easier just to go to bed to sleep than anything else. Add to that the fact that the few times we did have relations prior to the 10 months which were very disappointing to both of us, the end result was, "Why bother?"

On Valentines Day '04, she asked what I wanted for V.D. as a present. The only thing I said was, why don't you buy a sexy outfit and wear it for me. She did and she did. The 10 month period was over. The event was not monumental, but, a start is a start. The next weekend, I thought I would try and see if we could keep what little fire we had going, so I went into her lingere drawer with the intent of pulling out the 'present' she bought me. I was going to leave it on the bed so when she came home and changed, she would maybe get the idea....Let me also mention that at this point in time, we had been seeing a marriage counsellor for about a month.

It ended up being a bad idea, for in that bottom drawer of the dresser, I found a present that he had given to her and she kept within that drawer. It was something that was obviously from him, no doubt about it.

I was totally shocked. From there, the evidence just kept building and building. I looked further through her drawer and found sexy-things that I'd never seen before. One of them had obviouslsy been worn because it was stained. I know I had never seen it prior, because it was a teddy, and she always told me she wasn't built right to wear teddy's.

I looked on her cell phone and found his number in the speed dial.

I looked in her e-mail and found several e-mails to and from him, none very damning to be sure.

Then, I got her cellphone bill and 'discovered' 91 telephone calls between the two of them in one month alone.

When confronted with this evidence, she told me they were just "good friends". When asked about the gift, she said he gave her that to thank her for giving him a ride somewhere after work once or twice to drop him off so he could run back to his hotel. (he's a big runner). I asked her where did he change? Answer: in the office. Q: What did he do with his wallet and keys? (after all what man in his right mind is going to leave those in an open office or take them running?) A: (silence)

When I asked her about the stained teddy, she said that she and her best friend traded several pieces because they were bored with what they had.

Regarding the phone calls? She would telephone him beginning at 6:00 in the morning, ending in the early evening. The one's that hurt the most, I dropped her off to pick up her car after seeing our counsellor one night and 2 minutes after I dropped her off, she called him. She then telephoned him again at 6:15 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. the next day (along with several calls from him to her). The sad part of these calls is that the next day we left for a long vacation, just the two of us, to "try and reconnect".

When I discovered these things, I demanded that she cease all contact with him. She never told me she had, or had not. A few weeks later, I confronted her again and asked if she had stopped calling/writing/seeing him, and she responded "I did what I was told".

Folks, she still denies a physical relationship with this man. Yet, they were "friends" for over 8 years. They travelled together. He lives in a different state than we do, so at least there is distance between us.

I know I do not have any hard evidence of a physical affair (unless I did DNA testing on the stain, but I'm not going there). I've asked several women if they've ever traded intimate apprarel with their best friend and I consistently get a funny look from them, followed by a resounding "NO".

Speaking as a man, I don't talk to my best friends (also males) twice a month let alone 91 times!

When I told the counsellor about this in a telephone call, I was told that it could be possible that there was no physical relationship, however, there clearly was an emotional relationship between them. This hurts almost as much as believing a physical relationship existed. While she was pulling away from me, she was growing closer to him. The energy she placed in their relationship is energy lost to ours.

As the counsellor said, no matter what happens (remain married/divorce) the existence of this relationship can never be changed. It is what it is. It's like being a virgin. Once your not, you never are again, forever.

She still has not expressed any kind of remorse for her involvement with him. As I said, her tone, "I did what I was told to do" seems to convey her protection of him and the relationship.

The truly sad part is that we have grown so far apart, that we have nothing in common anymore. There seems to be no middle ground that we can tread. We walk on eggshells, afraid that whatever we say will merely be a catalyst for another argument.

We had a session last night with the counsellor and at least there was no yelling. Last night, I told my wife (and the counsellor) that I'm not sure anymore of what to believe, or what I want. I facilate between wanting to work on the marriage or to just walk away, because it's almost dead as it is. Is it worth attempting to resurect it?

I found a great peace of mind in the information on this website. For MB, I can not express my thanks highly enough. I filled out each of the questionaires, and asked her to do the same, so we could see each others emotional needs and what we were doing to each other in Love Busters. Mine sit, fully completed. She has looked at them, but hasn't had the time to fill them in.

As I sit on the verge of being 50 years old, knowing that our child will be going to college next year (and has said she won't return..ever), I ponder, ever day and night, is my wife someone I'd like to spend the rest of my time with, just the two of us? I haven't answered that question yet.

I'm not going to say this is all her fault. I certainly contributed to these events. My favorite saying these days is that every coin has three sides, front, back and somewhere in the middle is the true value. I accept responsibility for not providing the emotional needs that she looked to Howard for. I do not accept responsibility for her turning to him. That was her choice. She knew it was wrong, yet still is protective of him, and has not expressed any regret. Only, "you are making so much out of nothing."

An 8 year relationship with another man, 1200 miles away, is not "nothing". It is a bond.

Add to that, his "history". He is twice divorced and three times married. He married wife number 2 only 6 months after divorce from wife number 1. He married wife number 3 (current) 7 months after divorcing wife number 2. To me, he had "found" someone new while he was still married, and it is my belief he was hoping my wife would become wife number 4, unless it was just easier to have the affair as they both are married?

That is my story, sorry it is so long. My dilema is how much more, if any, to invest in this marriage? We've already given our daughter a bad example of marriage, so there's no need to work it out for the kids. We both have very good jobs, so financial support is not an issue.

In my mind, it boils down to the emotional needs. Can she meet mine, can I meet hers? Last night our counsellor said that we can never again have a relationship like we had (during the good times). We must now forge a brand new, and completely different relationship. I don't know if I want that anymore. I feel guilty saying that, but, it's the truth....

So, thanks for listening. If anyone has any kinds of words of wisdom, I would appreciate seeing them.