Well the peace is gone and depression is setting back in. I miss him so bad. I cried during my whole workout, but I just let it out. I know there is going to be ups and down, but I just feel so worthless. I became the best person I could be and it did not matter. Just never enough.<P>He did so much better at his last attempt than any other. He told me even though she agreed to leave him alone, her first day back at work she came up to him and said, you know how I told you I would leave you alone, well I am not going to and she did'nt. He only saw her at work that first week, no going to her place. Then during his 2 week vacation he only backslid once and we had a wonderfull loving 2 week vacation without her in the picture physically. <P>Before I left for my sisters I told him, those were baby steps. Anyway, what I am getting at is all through this I decided this was just a good life lesson for us. To wake up our marriage and go onto a better life. But what is my lesson supposed to be now?<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Lilly -- Let me start ny apologizing for the delay in asnwering this thread. I've been on vacation, and still have a lot of catching up to do both here and at home.<P>I really do not know what I can say that would ease your pain. I wish I had the answer for both of us. I have been the betrayed in every relationship I have ever been in. (This is the first time I have tried to work things out afterward.) In the past when I was hurting and trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done differently, etc. I was constatnly told that God is testing me, that he is trying to teach me something.<P>Comments like this have me to the point where I very seriously question my religious beliefs. My W and I went to our minister to ask for help and counseling after I found out about her physical affair. He didn't want to help at all. Anyway, while we were talking with him that first, and only, time I told him that not only was I very angry at God, but I was sick and tired of "being taught a life lesson by God. He couldn't give me an answer either. I have learned one thing as a result of all this though . . . There will NEVER be another "lesson" for me to learn. If this ever happens again, I'm history. I have gone through this far to many times in my life, and I simply refuse to go through it again.<P>Lilly, I realize this probably doesn't help answer any of your questions, but I hope you will forgive me for venting. I guess this is still a pretty sore subject to me.<P>I don't know what we are supposed to be learning, and I don't think it's fair either.<P>God Bless

Empty Shell, thanks for answering, since I posted that I am doing much better. Decided to just take care of me and I am thinking maybe my life lesson is for me to stand on my own two feet. I've been so dependent for so long.<BR> Don't worry about venting. I don't know why we have to learn any lesson in such a hard way, but do know everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is at the time. I commend you for trying to work this through and wish you the best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Lilly-<BR>I am not sure what my lesson is in all of this but I am trusting God to guide me...wherever that may be.<P>Empty Shell-<BR>Living thru the first discovery brought me closer to God. One thing I did learn was that GOD does not tempt us..."you know who" does that. In fact, God will give us an out...but we have to make the choice. This would apply to any type of destructive temptations that do not honor Him...we ALL have our weaknesses. But HE forgives.<P>I certainly no expert, but I believe spiritually, the individual that succumbs to temptation is caught in their OWN spiritual battle. As an affected party, God uses this "trial" to work on us. But we must receive Him. I believe "you know who" would love to keep that spiritual battle going as long as he can...he HATES marriage and love and all things of GOD.<P>I have also noticed in my marriage that when H is cheating, many, many other things go wrong for and around him. Its like his world turns upside-down and out-of-control when he turns away from God. Again, I believe that this is his own personal battle. Someone posted the other day that they would stand before God alone in heaven...and this is true. <P>I discovered H's last affair 2 weeks after I quit working to stay home w/kids and also return to graduate school. If only I had known, 3 weeks earlier.... Didn't happen that way for a reason I suppose. I was ready to bolt this time, but had to consider kids, as well as the goals that I established. One reason I returned to school was to change careers, but I was actively seeking a new position all along. Thought I would secure something within 6 months. I have been off for 2 1/2 years now. We were not financially prepared for such a long period of unemployment for me, but we survived, by the grace of God. I believe he anchored me here for a reason. (And believe me, I have searched HARD for suitable employment!) If nothing else, I have witnessed his financial provision like never before. <P>This period has changed my perspective on a lot of things, not just marriage. Would I have learned and VALUED those lessons had I not lived this? I suppose that depends on how you look at it. I look through the eyes of faith. Although I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I have grown and been strengthened by it all. <P>Like you, I have been betrayed more than once, but all by my H. I have spent much time questioning the marriage...but the "trial" has drawn me closer to God. I pray that you can find some good in all of this, for your own sake. God Bless!

Dear Enlightened,<P>Beautiful post. So on target! Keep up the good work!<P><BR>Dear Lilly, and Empty Shell:<P>Cl was sharing about a book she was reading a while back - Learned Optimism by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D. <P>It isn't about positive thinking so much - but about believing positive things about yourself and believing negative things that happen are isolated to those incidents.<P>One interesting section is on "learned helplessness" - which is when you learn that what you do, does not change the outcome....<P>The book is not really from a Christian perspective, but as a Christian I can see that our faith gives us total optimism - and makes for a more emotionally healthier outlook on circumstances.<P>We know, like Enlightened said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I certainly no expert, but I believe spiritually, the individual that succumbs to temptation is caught in their OWN spiritual battle. As an affected party, God uses this "trial" to work on us. But we must receive Him. I believe "you know who" would love to keep that spiritual battle going as long as he can...he HATES marriage and love and all things of GOD.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>The circumstance isn't from God, but his promises in Romans 8:28 is what can help us keep our eyes optimistic, "All things work together for good......"<P>When there is nothing we can do to change our situation, that is when we end up giving it up to God, and learn to trust him. This is the lesson learned.<BR>

trustandtruth, thank you for your book suggestion. It looks like it might be just what I need right now.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Empty shell talked about things going wrong for the cheater. My H & I went gambling a couple weeks ago. He couldn't win and I had a pile of winnings. He said, "How are you doing that?" I just smiled, but I was thinking about living a righteous life--of course, I don't exactly how a righteous life ties into gambling .<P>Another time I don't remember what was said, but my H sighs, "No rest for the wicked." meaning him. <P>Lilly, your H is chasing the wind. He cannot catch the wind and will remain empty. You however have done everything you can. Blessings await you. However, you still have to get through the Now time. You will make it.