My H and I have been separated for almost a year. The D has been filed and the only thing that is left to do for it to be final is me sending the last paper in. (I filed on my own.) I just can't seem to do it. The judge granted my petition for dissolution, but said it won't be final until this last paper is sent to the court.

I am not sure what to do. My H is living with OW and has been since last Sept. He's been with her since before I left him last June. But for the last 6 months or so, he has been telling me that he wants us to be together.

Here's the problem. I moved a month ago 100 miles away. I decided I needed to put distance between him and I and I needed to start my life over. Also, my H isn't working right now. His mom was diagnosed with cancer last Dec. and he took her in to take care of her. With running her back and forth to chemo treatments and doctor's appointments, he ended up quitting his job. He wasn't there long enough to take a leave of absence, and really, my H has never held a job very long. I was the bread winner. But now that has become the OW's job. I don't want to move back up north. I don't want to live in that house again, especially now that she's lived in it. I love my new town and my new job. And my S is doing better here in school, his grades have improved tremendously....from F's and D's to A's and B's. H doesn't want to move here right now because he can't take his mom with him and there is no one else to care for her. He tells me he doesn't want to be with OW anymore, but she's paying the bills, which he can't do since he's not working.

We talk almost every day. He tells me how much he loves me and misses me. He says he doesn't want the D. I just don't know if I can believe him. So much hurt and pain has passed between us in the last year. Not only that, but I don't know if I can be in love with him the way I want to be. I love him very much. I spent 15 years of my life with him. But he still does and says things that bother me.

I have always been a Christian. But this last year has brought me closer to God than ever before. I have changed my attitude, my language, and my behavior. But my H still uses foul language as part of his normal talk, he does't go to church, and he is verbally abusive. He doesn't have compassion for anyone. He even talks bad to his mother and she is dying. He has a temper that he can't control. And I just don't know if I can be restrained by all of that again. I am finally out from under the veil of self pity, self hate, and low self esteem he put over me. I like who I am now. I didn't before.

The thought of reuniting with him scares me to death. But so does the thought of losing him. I know people can remarry after D, but I don't think he would.

I am afraid that my loneliness is causing me to put the D off. Hoping that one day he'll prove to me that I am worth taking a chance on. But I've waited almost a year, and he hasn't shown me that. Right now all I get is empty words and empty promises. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. I come home from work and have no one to share my day with. I can't even call him at night because of OW. But he has her. Whether he wants to be with her or not, at least he's not alone.

Then there's the whole thing of what the Bible says about D. I know God doesn't like it, but He did say that if there was unrepented adultury, that D is ok. Well, there's been adultury. But my H has said he is sorry. Only he continues to do it. So, I am a little confused what to do about that now. I have prayed for guidance. And I believe that God has perfect timing, but I haven't received an answer yet. And I also know that God gives us free will, but this is one time I need Him to show me the way.

People have told me to follow my heart. Well, my heart doesn't know what to do either. And I feel like I am in limbo. I don't really want to date anyone, because I just don't think that is the right thing to do right now. But I don't want to live like this anymore either.

Any input and prayers would be appreciated.

Thanks

Could really use some advice please! Feeling very confused and not sure what to do. Being torn between opposing emotions, and fear is controlling me.

Adultery that is ongoing is not repentant. It's empty words.

Furthermore, as a Christian, I view the Bible as the Word of God. It was given to us to help us grow and follow His plan for us. But His Word is not the only thing he gives to us. He also gives us situations to deal with.

You have one now.

It's obvious that you still have feelings for this man. That is understandable. BUT you are also in the enviable position where you can decide what course this is or isn't going to take.

That doesn't just mean getting back together with him, it can (IF you choose that route) mean that you can define the kind of relationship it's going to be. Obviously you can't force him to accept Jesus into his life but certainly the abuse is not something you would volonteer for...

No steps backwards.

The Bible talks plenty about marriage. And adultery is a very small part of that. If this is not going to be good for you, and your son... if it CANNOT be good for you and your son... is it something you feel your Christian faith really draws you too? Or is there something else?

Analyze your motives.

Analyze the possible outcomes, accepting that you will play a major role in them.

Make a good choice.

dewt

Hmmm. I would take my time deciding what to do. Right now he is OW's problem. Keep reading here on what makes a good marriage. I would also explain to your husband that you do not want to go back to the way things were.

There is no hurry to file the D papers. I think you can just keep working on yourself, and your WH needs to work on himself. You can talk to him and be supportive, but I would not move back.

Your WH sounds like he could use some counseling. Would he be open to that?

Trinity,

I think the most powerful thing you said was how your S is doing. Everything aside your S seems to be doing really well even though you moved him away from whats familiar to him.

I also agree with "the empty words" statement. Your H is keeping his options open, seriously he KNOWS you allow him to get away with not working (for whatever reason he is using) You stated yourself he never held a job and you supported him. Now OW supports him, today anyway until she gets fed-up. You on the other hand allows this so he of course is keeping that door open.

He tells you you cant call him at night cuz the OW would get upset? He is still your H, thats crazy.

Trinity re read what you have posted.
Son is doing great
You have become a person you love and admire
You have become closer to God
you are stronger and happier

H is Verbally abusive
H is unemployed again
H is having at least an EA on his OW(with you) and an A on his W (He is still M)

How do you think think this would be healthy for you or your S ? I know you are lonely, but somehow I think if your H does not change drastically you will just be a BW again, having to start from the beginning. Unfortuantly so would your son.

I think you should really think about all this
and continue to move forward. There is always re-marriage if your H does change. But you have known him longer than anyone. What do you think?

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: StressedOutMom ]</small>

Thank you all so much for your words. Everything you all said I have thought about before, and I guess that is why I haven't been too quick to reconcile.
Sometimes it helps to get the perspective of those who aren't involved so closely like friends and family.
As far as counseling, my H at one point said he would do counseling, but I don't know if he still would. I now wonder if that was an empty promise too, just something to get me back, or keep me hanging on. But, I am tired of waiting for him to end his A, and putting my life on hold.
Is it wrong for me to want to meet other men and date again? Does that conflict with me still loving my H? I guess I am just confused about my emotions, and I don't know what the right thing to do is. And I don't think it would be fair to get involved with someone when I really don't know what it is that I want.
I was in IC for awhile, but since moving, I don't have health insurance til June 1st, and I have had to stop going. And I don't feel that I really got anything out of it.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for responding to my post.