It's not the big things, like him going to counseling, or the POJA on the trip, or his good faith on the credit card and finances, that is going well.

It's the little things that keep draining my love bank <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . H is still a workaholic, this happened to some degree because he spent more time at work than here, sharing convos with OW about job, you know. Well he has done nothing to protect himself from that kind of behavior, and frankly I'm flat out of ideas on what to do or don't anymore. I'm trying the best I can on meeting his needs, on teh DS thing, I'm not sabotaging him when he wants to do house projects, since is everyother weekend, I hope I would had as much as attention as the home u know? RC was also on his top 5 needs, I'm doing my best to plan things together, things we both can enjoy, trying to spend quality time and YES I also need quantity time together. Trying to fix the PS2 although it may seems shallow, he loved to play that with me and we have good time at it, on the conversation, well is rather hard to have that if he is not home at a normal hour, or arrives late from work beated [of course]. Obviously I'm in LB mode, and well I don't know. Thing is I'm not even LBing, or talking or anything.

I'm tired of trying this. Is not the big things as I said, but the regular day by day things, that drain my love bank. I don't really know what is the matter, I don't know if he doesn't get it, or if it's my attitude. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear Matilde,
I'm sending a big HUG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> to you. I know that you are discouraged, but don't give up! Your husband did come back to you, and that surely must mean something. I am so sorry that you are going through such a miserable time. May I suggest 2 books that have really helped me? One is by David Clarke - "When Your Spouse Says "I Don't Love You"" - even though my husband never said those exact words, his actions screamed them to me! This book had some good suggestions that go counter-clockwise against what some therapists tell you... all I know is that it worked!
The other is one you may have already heard of on this site - "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This one was recommended to me by one of the posters on this site named "Cardinal" -- look for her name - she seems to have her head on pretty straight and gives wise counsel as far as I'm concerned. This book went a long way in explaining the whole Affair issue to me. It also suggested some tactics, questions to ask, and how to ask them. Altogether, a helpful book.
I will be praying for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi
Marie Elena1

I used to be a reader, most likely 5 boks a months. That was until dday, I don't know what happened to me, but since then I have only managed to read only 3 books since then not A or relationships books (one of them the Da Vinci Code <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I'm not into HNHN books, and it not helping much to see how I'm making an effort to meet my H's ones, and still he does so little in the day by day with mines.

On the books you told me, I got the Not Just Friends, and I sarted reading it but went ahead until chapter 2 or so. I'm taking my time with those books now, somehow I got an aversion against any kind of books?

Thank you for your suggestion. Maybe I'm not asking the right questions, or doing the right things, I do not know. Last night I asked him, what he would expect from me? Be with a happy face? He told me he got no idea... hummm interesting, That I should be more understanding. Well let me tell you, I had it with understanding regarding his time at job, I think I were pretty understanding, after all he has spent the whole week on Brasil right? But I'm supposed to keep understanding this for another A to develop??? I'm clueless.

And is just not another A, if he wants to have it, I'm not the one who is going to stop it, it happened before, and it may as well happen again, but I made my point clear that I will not tolerate another one. If this is a matter of needs I'm not filling, then he has a mouth and he better start talking if I'm not doing a good job at meeting them, if he doesn't talk, then it's his choice too, that will lead to another A. If he doesn't see this, I do, and I don't have any plans of surviving another.

It may be my taker talking here full time, it may be my resentments towards all this issue, I have to think on it, but one thing is for sure, I have talked, and I don't see those kind of changes I require, to feel safe again, or to see my need meeted.

Last night, I went to bed, and he went to bed, after a while I went to the bathroom because I had to, and he woke up and sleeped outside (on the sofa), this was because of the past, since this happened before cause I wouldn't tolerate his precense in the room. Well this time was different, I didn't said a word, he assumed that was what was happening, and I didn't say it wasn't, it made no difference thou, he made another wrong choice, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I think it's also time, he start to think on those kind of reactions too, since I have always been the emotional one on this home, and trying to control it [that is why I didn't talk not to LB], he has to do a lot of sould searching himself, and also control or communicate his felings.

I thought I let him be, maybe it's what he needs... For me is like a time bomb already into place. We will grow appart. And that is fine too, I better step away for a while and see what happens, one thing is for sure, over my 5 top needs only one is meeted by now, and I don't like it. I'm trying my best to meet his, but I don't see that big of an effort on his part and that is dangerous for me too.

Sorry for this rant, but it doesn't seems it's getting better <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Edited to add, he kept calling from work, and it was getting later, WHEN he has promised that we would go out and have a coffee to talk about his sis. He knows! that fridays are "special to me" and that I need him to be here "early" on those days, is not that I have not told him so. It's my way to start a good weekend, maybe it's not his, but he has not told me that... Anyway, he kept calling, until 7:30, when I told him I was mad, and I didn't wanted to answer any more calls on the time passing, he told me he was on his way home... long route, he arrived at 10 pm. Maybe he thought I was on my meeting, since in the past, when this happened I went to my meeting out of anger, but last night I thought if I allow him to continue sabotage me and the reasons I go to my meetings, [out of anger] then I will start to hate those, so last night I didn't went. I went to Mc Donalds, buy some nuggets, came home and started to watch a movie, then I played some computer and to bed I went. So I didn't allow him to do that, and tryed to spend the night the "best" I thought would be for me.

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

M

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it is hard having them back. I went through it also. Please keep your chin up, I hope things get better for you. I am about to give up on the whole marriage. Plan B is not really my thing. I did it and he came and now he isn't sure he wants to. I think it would be easier for me at this point to just move on and start fresh. I am going to do a Plan B for me and get out while I still can I think. Good Luck to you.

HINY

mattie----tell us specifically what you want to see from him. lay it all out simply....

i know i hate it when im asked this but are you sure he knows exactly what you are expecting to see? i know my hubby is clueless and unless it is very simple and layed out exacly...he doesnt get it.

i also know how it feels to have the day to day stuff kill your spirit. been there, doing that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> after counseling we have a 1/2 hour drive home...i always use the time to talk now. we had just been going over how he always puts the job first along with his own wants and need....never thinks of me or my feelings first. i know he doesnt get it still. on the way home we are going over his needs and how i am to meet them. i am in the middle of speaking to him when all of a sudden i realize he is on his phone. (it hadn't rung...he just picked it up...checked the messages and called someone back in the middle of me talking!) i almost died!!! it was work. so after he hung up he innocently asks---where were we? so i calmly said you were about to apologize for that. he now has a stunned, what happened look on his face. didnt even have a clue. i said, in the middle of me talking you pick up the phone and make a call, you dont even bother to say...there may be something wrong, hang on. you just do it, because whatever it is, its way more important than whats happening right now. he felt bad and apologized. i said that is exactly why i feel the way i do. i dont hate your job, i dont even hate your hours. i hate the way you put it above us.

i have decided that he needs to be told and it brought to his attention when this happens. normally i would just sit there and let it go. he needs to SEE what i mean. he doesnt understand the words so i think pointing out the actions will help.

just keep it simple.

i'll be on and off all day---hopefully we can chat later.

Hi Matilde,
I am just having a quick squizz, so I haven't read all of your replies as yet, very late here in Oz.
I know where you are coming from, I have had the worst weekend, because my H has just been an absolute twit!
I have bought HNHN, as well as men are from Mars, etc. 2 weeks ago I told him that the nasty [censored] he says to me I can no longer tolerate, make any diff.......NOPE

Fri night, he did something that p!ssed me off to the max, made arrangements for tom (Sun) without asking me if I had organised anything, (Small, I know, but he knew how I felt about this sort of crap in the past)
Cut a long story short, last night when I tried to explain to him that whAt he did was not what we agreed on, it went off the deep end, said all sorts of **** that had nothing to do with the topic, eg: "Yeah I Fu****ud her here, I Fu***ed her there, I Fu***ed her everywhere, and enjoyed it, it was great"

All of this was not said, it was screamed!
I didn't ask for it, no idea why he had the need to ram that one home!

All came from a "Darl. I didn't like the way you handled things today"

I am so peed off!
Just more visions to contend with out of his anger, which I believe strongly is caused because of his own guilt and inability to forgive himself.

I send you prayers, know we are thinking of you.

Ladies thank you for your answers on this.
I will write more later, I just don't know feel very well to put up a oherent post.

As for update... I woke up and while I was writing this post he woke up too, got some clothes and been gone ever since. Of course I'm going to listen as things like he was at job, or maybe with OW? Not that I care really I'm not fretting over that one, somehow I will know if he is still at it and I'll make my move then, last night I was making a list of the things I really want to keep with me, funny I don't even like home anymore... So next time I'll leave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for update... I woke up and while I was writing this post he woke up too, got some clothes and been gone ever since </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">without telling you where he was going?

Hummmm...not good.

Has he acted normal or talked at all since he has been home from Brazil?

Because when he left things were UP...you couldn't believe it was your husband. And since he has been back, things have been DOWN?

hugs,
Susan

Whitout telling me

Of course telling would mean that he has to report to me and me trying to control him... hehe that's on his sick mind.

Or.. he would be gone with OW, I don't know OW's H is ussually there on weekends apparently, this might be a different weekend, I could go there and chek up, but not that I would want that now, I really understood proof will present itself, and not that I care anymore.

I tryed my best to fill his needs, but I don't think is a matter of that anymore, I think he is ER, and well I don't got the patiente to keep at this. It's his life, he is a grown up, and he got the right to live his life as he wants, is just that I'm not going to be there watching and waiting for him to finish me.

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

just in case anyone reading is wondering---ER is emotionally retarded. it came from my hubby! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

mattie----hang in. you'll know. you are a different person now than then. i sure am gonna miss you next week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
i'll be praying for ya.

Hey there mattie,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

I wish there was something more I could give you.

Take care ~

Hi Matilde,
Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you. Today was trigger day for me, and I thought of you and your husband. Hang in there! I just have to believe things will get better for you.
M.E. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />