I just finished Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends". It is helping me! I followed her advice on some questions to ask, and BINGO - I've learned a lot about what went on. Perhaps this will help me to stop obsessing. I had worried myself half to death over how far they had gone physically - he had only admitted to kissing and touching - but although there had been no intercourse (I believe this), the kisses and touches weren't as rare as I had wanted to believe, either. I also got a peek in the window as to how emotionally attached they were. -Some good news and some bad news on that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm still troubled with "triggers", but I guess that just comes with the territory. I know that I am hyper sensitive, but goodness! Some things just bite me in the butt! (Not very nice talk for a preacher's wife, I know, but there's no other way to say that!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

My husband is bending over backwards trying to help me get over this. Some days are pretty good; church days are horrid. He came home after being gone two weeks. He still has 3 weeks left on his "sabbatical", and will be leaving again soon, but I was having a really hard time last week. I, of course have not missed a service, and I was left alone to pick up a lot of the loose ends. It was hard not to become angry with him again. It felt as though he had left me here to "clean up" for him, and perhaps there is some truth to that notion. But, to my great surprise, I missed him so! He surprised me by coming home for a few days. My daughters took me out to eat, and he showed up at the restaurant. I feel better when he is around to reassure me, I guess.

He still wants us to renew our vows on our anniversary. That's surely a good sign. On a more somber not, after talking last night, I found out that he had never told this girl that he no longer loved her. He had just cut off contact with her, with no explanation other than the fact that they had been discovered. They had one last phone call almost a month after disclosure day, but I was kept in the dark about that until I discovered it on his cell phone bill a month later. She had called him and asked him to return her call. He had called her and he says that they discussed upcoming church events and social events that we all would be taking part in. The call was 26 minutes long, and I don't really believe that that's all that was discussed, but he claims that he really can't remember the gist of that conversation...
Anyway, I asked him if he had told her at that time that he no longer loved her, and he said no, because it just hadn't ocurred to him to say that - he wasn't expecting a call from her, and it threw him off. Well, I asked him last night if he would mind telling her that he no longer loved her, if for nothing else than to help me get some closure. She is still hanging around church, especially around ME, and I get the feeling that she still thinks she has some sort of chance or hold on him, or that she is in some way "special" to him. Oh, I don't know exactly what, but it makes me so uncomfortable, I want to puke! He said that he would be glad to tell her that, and he will also tell her that he never really loved her at all, contrary to what they had said to each other several times every day at the end of every cell phone conversation. He says that he thought that he loved her, but he realizes that this was not love. I told him that I want to be there when this conversation takes place. In fact, I insist upon it. He said that would be fine. What's your take on this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My psychologist had also told me about a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" on borderline personality disorder. She suspects that the OW may fall under that diagnosis. I just opened the book, and the first name used in this book was also the first name of the OW... Kind of made my skin crawl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope you are doing well. I am still praying for you both.

Hi sweets, thats great that you got the books and read them.

Hubby sounds very remoresful, have you asked hin to send this girl a NC letter. Obviously he can not demand that she not attend his church, but something along the lines of "Your desision to continue churchgoing is accepted by myself and my wife, but I do not want you ringing my home or cell phone again, any quieries you have regarding church? religion etc, should be forwarded to Mr XXXXXXX. Please never contact me again on a personal basis.

Mr ME1.

Just a thought. Hang in there Marie, my prayers are with you
mtheart

Oh yeah, forgot to add!


Renew your vows, renew your vows, renew em ya hear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I wanna hear all about the ceromony <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yikes! Your husband needs to write a NC letter. He should not tell her in person.

It should go like this:

OW - I love my wife and we are working on making our marriage better than ever. Please do not contact me for any reason. For spiritual/church activity issues, talk to __________.

I would not renew my vows right now. I would take some time to recover, and pray with husband. When you do it, you want it to be while H and you have fully processed this problem.

So glad you are reading the eye opening books! Understanding is a key that is needed to grow beyond this experience.

I am concerned about a couple of items you express. Firstly, you are bearing the pressure of fixing this while the H is on his time away. Secondly, I disagree with you being present at the NC administration to an OW.

This second item of NC needs to be worked upon by you and your H. This is vital to be with your H, discussing where you both are at in this. I mean in understanding the big picture.

If we rush and seem to be pressuring the WS, or the WS is pressuring BS into agreements this early in your recovery, chances are that you will be unexpectedly bumping into OW problems that should have been already worked out prior to your NC agreement.

Your H needs to be able to express the NC agreement and you ought to be able to hear him repeat it to you and feel it in your heart that he is prepared to finish this episode with the NC letter.

The letter should be mailed by you Marie, after you have read it. If you are physically present it appears that you are coercing your H. The OW has the senses of the wolf, (whom wishes to be Alpha!). She will use your presence as a mode to continue to push her way in, as it would appear that you are controlling your own H!

Read Page 304, The Antagonist in "Not Just Friends". Also Antitraditionalist on page 304. Look for NC type letters, step by step in JFO right here. Read Harley Concepts re. NC letter.

What I did was (after six monthes of MC), wrote an NC letter which was succinct, H read it. He did up one in his own words, and I mailed it. She tried on two occasions to continue social contact. I was present at one of them. It was actually, H whom spoke warm hello and smile to her. We spoke together later on about that type of contact, and decided that even that kind of acknowledgement meant an open window to her!

I said to approach and go around her like she had TB. Airborne and contagious is her disease. It works. That imagery becomes subconscious and then you dont have to go over details in your head. Marie, you could start using this idea too. Seeing as you are in this situation where you have to see her.

I hate to say this but your H should be by your side now. This is only being put on the back burner to deal with by HIM.

You are both in this marriage together. I agree with Believer that making up your vows at this point in your very beginnning of recovery is not a good idea at all. Your H is sort of on a vacation, while you are dealing all alone with OW always around. You are learning about much by reading, ...why not at least buy him a copy or give him your copy of Shirley Glass to absorb. Then at least he can catch up to you in some important ways.

Marie Elena, I admire your culture and your strength. Have faith in what is right and true as you do seem to have this.

Marie Elena, how are you doing today? I know that there are many ups and downs in marriage at these times, but hope you are doing ok.

Sending prayers up for you!