I am in Plan B as my H continues to see OW. He loves her and does not love me. He is living with his close friend and seeing her. They were together for 3 months before A was discovered. OW left her H and my WH left me 3 weeks ago. Now they can see each other freely.

I think my WH thinks he gets a free pass to see if this is what he wants for the rest of his life. Before he left he wrote letters that stated:

I need to get out of that zone to see if I really miss you and love you.
I want to remain optimistic that this time will show me the right path.
I don't want to be deadbeat dad or husband
I want to miss you and crave what we had the last 10 years.
I want to come back knowing that my life is destined to be with you.
I want to give you best not this half effort
I don't know why I pulled away we had something wonderful and I lost it.
Hopefully you will be there for me when that day comes...
I hope this time will continue to help me find myself again. No matter what happens.
I wish I would have gotten some help when I started to pull away from you.
I should have communicated my feelings so we could work on it.
How can he do these things if he is in love with OW and puts effort into their relationship. It makes me think they will get closer and we will be farther apart. I don't have much hope.

Durham -

All of this is fog talk. I have letters saying the same thing. WS's all spout out the same words. Your WH does love you, he is just addicted to the infatuation feeling.

Your very best action is to stay in Plan B and let him be with OW. The more he is with her, the better. My WH has been with his OW everyday since September. He used to talk about how wonderful she is. Now he is starting to say she is a bad mother, too clingy, not being fair to her H, etc.

While you are going through this, work on you. Make your home a comfortable, warm place to bring your little one. I know you have not been alone too much, but you are very strong, and need to do it. You can be the lighthouse that shows your WH the way home. But first he needs to see what he is losing, and get rid of OW.

Stay in Plan B Durham,

That stuff your WH said is all typical WS fog-talk. They all say it almost verbatim. Ignore it.

I made the mistake of prematurely ending Plan B several times, and I regret it. He wants to see if he will miss you and if OW can fulfill all his needs? Let him find out she's not perfect and can't meet all his needs.

Don't worry - she can't. And sometimes the OP never even wanted to (or has grossly overestimated their ability/desire to). Plus most of the time the WS told the OP all sorts of lies to justify the affair about how bad the marriage supposedly was and how awful the BS is. So the OP doesn't even have an accurate idea of the BS they have to compete with. That might cause them to assume they can LB and nag - just as long as they aren't as bad as that awful BS. IMO though most of the time the OP knows the WS is just lying and just pretends to believe the WS's lies to protect their own image.

But don't worry. Their affair is all fancy and fun on the outside... but rotten at the core. They have only shown each other their best sides so far, the way all relationships start. PLUS IMO adulterers go out of their way to pretend they are extra special and 'good' to each other because they have to convince each other what they are doing is somehow justified. They try desperately to hide the sleazy ugly truth under lots of gobbed-on make-up of romance, pretended perfection, fun, niceness... YU-UCK! I bet if most adulterers met while they were still single they would never even date each other long enough to fall 'in love' and pretend they've found their 'soulmate'.

When the WS moves out, they can spend more time together. And although that really scares the BS and the adulterers assume it will be wonderful... It usually helps to end the affair.

Just do NOT let him become a cake-eater. Because if you do he will want to turn the cake-eating into the permanent solution and never have to make a choice. And I assure you that will be much more painful for you than sticking to Plan B.

In some of your WH's communications to you he has tried to make you feel guilty for going to Plan B. He even sounds as if he's hinting at accusing you of planning to not allow him to have a relationship with his son once he's born... Do NOT let him pressure you. You are well within your rights in refusing to have needless contact with him as long as he's involved with another woman. There are ways to allow him to have visitation with his son without you having to see him. He is already trying to eat cake IMO. He moved out. You shouldn't feel you have to let him walk into your home to check out the nursery, get the bills, leave you notes, etc. Set some firmer boundaries and Plan B will be even more effective.

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I just found someone to mow my lawn and that will begin this week. Also I plan on getting my own bank account so that we do not have to share a checkbook and debit card. After that is done I can tell him to pick up the bills or send them to him. No more coming in the house, mowing, or anything else.
I am also going to see an attorney. I am a teacher so I only have two more weeks of school left. I plan on seeing my attorney and getting everything done after school ends. Right now I just don't have time. Everything is in the works though.

durham -

Good job. You will find out when you go to a complete Plan B that WH will be afraid of what he is losing. I'm quite sure he will be back. Then you can rebuild the marriage together.

But stick to Plan B. That is the fastest way. I have not done a great Plan B, and WH has dragged out his cake eating. But I did a good enough one to get strong and happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong>I am also going to see an attorney.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">durham, this is an excellent thing to do, the sooner the better.

Learn what your legal options are. This does not mean that you have to file for divorce - far from it.

You should inquire about how to divide your liquid assets and protect yourself IF your H files for divorce. A very, very, very wise contingency to have in place.

Make sure your attorney knows your sincere desires. He/she works for YOU and DO NOT let them talk you into a divorce.

One action for you to consider in concert with your attorney -----> have your attorney draft a letter to your H setting forth the financial obligations he has to meet being a separated father and setting forth the rest of the financial consequences IF HE DECIDES TO CONTINUE HIS AFFAIR, RESULTING IN DIVORCE.

It will not be a pretty picture for him.

This could be a HUGE bucket of cold water.

A copy of this letter should go to OW - she needs to be aware of the financial noose you H is putting around his neck.

Legally, you need to play hard ball. Emotionally, you play Plan B and when he crumbles, you Plan A.

Got it?

Legal stuff, hard ball.

Emotional stuff, MB.

durham, you are the most powerful woman on this planet from your H's perspective. Don't doubt it for a second.

WAT

Wow, some excellent advice here. Great outlines on the hows and whys of the whole MB process!

Stay strong and take care of that baby, he'll be back and you'll be in recovery as long as you stick with it. Dont panic!

Do some fun things when you finish for the school holidays. Wont it be great when WH sees you enjoying your life without him? While he's stuck in a messy bachelor pad seeing that nasty OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks so much for the advice. I am really looking forward to seeing my attorney. I want to know all of my options.
It eats me up to know he is spending money on the OW.
It is so interesting that sometimes in plan B you want recovery and other times you want a D. I know by the end of Plan B I will know exactly what I want.

durham -

That is what is so nice about Plan B. It gives you some perspective. I went from wanting to contact WH to not even thinking about him, to wanting a D and back again. Finally I settled down into a peaceful life.

Just remember you are his wife, and carrying his child. The OW doesn't have a chance. In fact the more he is around her, and not around you, the faster the A fantasy will end.

I see that you are already helping new members. That is very good. For the longest time, I could barely help myself.

Hope you are resting and eating, and taking care of the little one. I used to play music to my sons before they were born and after birth they seemed to recognize the songs.

Yes Durham 76, you are doing the right things, im a OS and its precisly these tactics that helped me end the A. Yes We keep up the excelent counseling, if the WS looks like shes doing good without the H. And is seeking legal advise to make him responsible for this treson its perfect. This is what my WS did and it toke its toll on the A. But one bad thing is yes I did spend about 2,000 in the 3 month affair this is a toll im paying on rebuilding my M. One sugestion for the WS is not to necesarily get 2 year contracts on cell phones because if he does snap out of this spell and come to reality then you will have to cancel the cell phone contract and pay a fee for early cancelation ($200). Best wishes to durham 76 and keep up the presure. Be firm and loving at the same time. For some reason I had to learn the hard way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OS(37)
WS(38)
M17
3 kids
NC 3/26/04
DD 12/7/03
In Recovery

durham, there is some really good advice on this thread and you've already come a long way keep up the good work. something that steve harley told me that has stuck and i have told this to my H, his mom, my mom, and i think i even told the OW's mom (can't remember for sure) but that the relationship between my H and the OW or for any WS/OP combination started off as an A and that will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER change no matter what happens between the BS and WS. of course, i realize that some WS and OP marry and live happily ever after but those are far and few between.

you have extreme power in your situation and i'm glad that you are not giving control to your H or the OW. wishing you much strength and prayers.

One sugestion for the WS is not to necesarily get 2 year contracts on cell phones because if he does snap out of this spell and come to reality then you will have to cancel the cell phone contract and pay a fee for early cancelation ($200).
Huh?

Chris-CA123, you can be so shrude in your comments sometimes. HUH I can actually give good advise, and yes Ive learn some, and dont wish this torture (A) on my worst enemy.

Keep Up the good work Durham76, I only wish you a quick road to recoverty, and a little insight as to what goes threw the OS mind. FOG...FOG..FOG

We will survive this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OS(37)
WS(38)
M17
DD 12/7/03
In Recovery

FCalunga,
Chris-CA123, you can be so shrude in your comments sometimes. HUH I can actually give good advise, and yes Ive learn some, and dont wish this torture (A) on my worst enemy.
Does this mean you agree with me or not agree with me?

I'm kinda confused.
You were suggesting that a wayward spouse (ws) having an affair should NOT get a cell phone with a 2 year contract because "if he does snap out of this spell and come to reality".
When they are in an affair, why would they think about it ending?
It would be better to tell the wayward spouse NOT to have an affair.

Also, your abbreviations are a bit mixed up.
ws = wayward spouse = the one who had the affair
bs = betrayed spouse = the spouse of the person who had the affair
op = other person = the person having an affair with the spouse