OK, I was all set & in a great mind frame for Plan A... but I've also been doing a bit of discreet snooping - and now I've caught H in a lie. He told me he's staying at his brothers, but told me that his brother did not have a phone yet as he just moved into his new place & didn't have the money to turn the phone on. I was pretty sure that was a lie, but not positive. So I did some checking and I'll be darned, but his brother DOES have a phone & the number was right there on my caller ID from before H left! NOW I can't help but wonder, did he lie because he was afraid I'd be calling all of the time & he didn't want that OR is he really not staying there at all?? Now I'm wondering how I can possibly talk to him when/if he calls and be pleasant & sweet when all I'm gonna want to do is ask him WHY in the H*LL he LIED to me about that! I know asking probably wouldn't do any good, he'd probably just tell me another lie, but I do so want to ask! Any suggestions?? I do not know exactly where his brother lives, other than the city he lives in & I was unable to get an address from the phone #. I read that Plan A is NOT for WIMPS! Now I'm seeing just how true that is. How do you do it?

OH GEEZ... somebody gimme some advice quick! The urge to call his brother's # is beginning to get the better of me!! My emotions are all over the place & I can hardly think... hardly breathe!

whb

Sorry you are having such a bad time right now, but it's part of the roller coaster. I haven't read all of your story, but it appears your H is involved with someone, and you have become a BS.

You need to get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read it and understand it. You need to read as much on the MarriageBuilder's website as possible until you get the book.

Yeah, Plan A is a B**ch. It is horribly hard not to utter LoverBuster's at someone who at one time was the most trusted person in your universe. But the alien in his body is not capable of reacting to you the way your husband used to do.

You need to review Plan A until you know the philosophy by heart. What ever you do, don't lovebust your WH. Do not appear to be needy or helpless. These things will NOT endear you to your WH. If he's involved, this isn't the first lie you've been told. This is not a matter that you should be all that concerned about.

More importantly, you should do some investigative research and find out all you can about what he's up to. Look through credit card statement, phone records, look for receipts in athletic bags, briefcases, and get any hardcore evidence you can find that he's in an affair. The best thing to do once you have that concrete evidence, is to expose the affair, first of all to the OW's husband.

All of this is covered in SAA. Much of it is covered on this website. You are not alone in this, and many sage and experience members will help you along the way.

Take a deep breath, do not panic, and begin to learn how to save your marriage, make yourself a stronger person, and lure your H back into your marriage.

You must be strong, composed and dedicated to this process, but you can do it!

Good luck!
SD

I am trying hard to hang in there! I've never felt emotions so strong in my life & I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with them. I am planning on making him a yummy homemade desert & dropping it by his office while he's at lunch on Monday... I have a card to go with it that says "Just me. Just hi. Just becuase." And I am wondering... would it be LBing to write something like "It hurts me that you lied about your brother not having a phone?" I'm not a "hold it in" kinda person... when there's some kind of conflict or something, I get it out rather than sit on it, so this is very new & very difficult for me.

OH... I am still searching for any evidence of an A, but so far have turned up nothing - this is the first lie I've caught him in.

Hi WHB. This might help. It's an old post I found in the "Notables" section called "50 signs your spouse is having an affair."

Good luck to you and hang in there.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=28&t=000985

If he is involved in an A, the main sign is lying about things. My WH was always a truthful person, but all of a sudden started lying. Soon I got where I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth. I think one of the hardest things to take is all of the lies.

It won't help to confront him, because he will just make up another lie.

OK, somebody slap my hand... I did it... I called :-( BUT it is the LAST time I make THAT mistake! I am DETERMINED to do this right... and that means waiting for HIM to call ME. Still gonna take him his "treat," but do not plan to see him. I feel I'm getting a bit stronger finally. Many thanks to all those who have given advice & shown me so much compassion out there! No way I could do this without such a great support system of people who actually understand. I've been reading the website, have some books on order, & I've been reading nearly all of the posts... I am learning... and no longer feel so alone in this.

Good for you. Posting and reading here will really help you. It is a hard thing to go through alone, but we all understand, so lean on us.

While you are in Plan A, it helps to work on making changes in you. I did lots of things, even though at first I didn't feel like it. I started walking, exercising, cleaned the house sparkling, detailed the car, painted, started a new business, went out with friends, etc.

When you get busy doing things you feel good about, your self esteem will come back, and you will be better able to deal with things.

whb

Now that you know he's not necessarily being truthful, you should be vigilant regarding his future actions.

If, and I do mean if, he he's becoming involved you need to gather all of the evidence you possibly can, hard evidence, and keep it to yourself until you are ready to confront him.

Read Surviving an Affair. There is a right way and a wrong way to confront someone involved in infidelity. SAA will tell you how to do it properly, and people here can help you with it, as well.

Some other things to consider.... voice activated phone recorder hidden at home or in his car, recording mileage (is he going where he says?), phone logs, credit card receipts, change in after shave/cologne, different likes in music or food.

There are lots of "little signs" (read clues) that are much easier to spot with 20/20 hindsight, that you should be aware of now.

I hope we are wrong in our suspicion, but as has been said before, lying is typically a very good sign that he's up to something he doesn't want you to know about. And anything other than radical openness and honesty is bad for any relationship.

Good luck!
SD