Very nervous. WH wants to meet about plans for what we would do/change to make marriage work. He even wants to take me out to discuss (on water front near our favorite restaurant). I know I should be happy about this, but feel like it is a set up. He's been in "cake eater" mode and realizes that I am close to the end of my rope.

I'm sure he will bring up his "laundy list" of what I have to do. LBing hasn't been so much of an issue as showing emotions, passion, admiration, etc. (and he is getting all of this from OW). He wants to make sure that he makes the right decision coming back because of what he will "be giving up if he comes home to work on the marriage."

I'm not the best at "opening up" and I'm sure he will want to order a couple of drinks so that I am "nice and easy." I know that this will be a good time to talk about ENs, but he has said that he doesn't want me to discuss any type of "program" (I've mentioned MB a couple of times and he hates the idea/concept that his A is not different from all the rest.)

I was thinking that if I could get a couple of points across this meeting would be a "success." The points would be that we both really need to understand what each others ENs are, we can survive this A, and we can not work on our marriage until H has absolutely NC with OW. They are coworkers so this would involve a new job for WH, although he insists that this is "his reponsibility" and that he would have the resolve to end it while keeping his same job if he choose to work on marriage.

Any support would be appreciated!!!!!

Oops, I meant "meeting WH tomorrow." He does seem like "other" person recently (and not the husband I have known for so long!).

My WH recently told me, that even when he was deep into the affair, he really just wanted me to persuade him back into the marriage. He also thought his A was different and special. He slowly realised it wasn’t, when I managed to get him to read here and read SAA. Right now his head knows they were not special, but it will be some time before his heart feels it.

I expect your H wants some kind of guarantees from you that the circumstances that led to the affair will be rectified. You first need to take responsibility for your part in those circumstances, apologise and show him how you plan to make up for it. Let him know that you are optimistic as to the possibility of your marriage being even better than before the A.

He sounds like he’s using your pain to manipulate you a little, so make sure you set boundaries and stick to them. In my experience a WS will give any number of reasons as to why NC is not necessary. IMO it is essential. Without it, there is no plan for recovery. You know this, but you’ll probably have a hard time convincing him. He will want to keep OW on the back burner, just in case you don’t stay true to your word.

You are in a good position because you are already aware of all these things. He just needs to know that you mean business.

Good luck with your meeting!

I hope I'm not too late to add a few thoughts:

First of all, I am going to ASSUME he's serious about this "talk." If so, here's what I think:

Number 1: Let him know you BOTH "own" the failures associated w/your M. You both have issues that could be changed.....don't let him box you into a corner, like YOU ran him into OW's arms! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Number 2: Try to let HIM lead the discussion into how to meet each others' EN's. OK, he won't know that term, but you will! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
You will have to figure out a way to gently lead the convo around to that concept in a way that he can understand.

Number 3: Remember to use "I feel" statements when discussing his shortcomings (that ultimately led to A)....this will help him from becoming defensive.....he can't refute what you are telling him are YOUR "feelings"!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Number 4: LISTEN TO HIM. Even if you don't have the kind of discussion you are seeking at this time, I believe every convo is useful to giving you "hints" toward his mindset. Listen more than you talk!

Which leads me to my final point: HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.

This way, you won't be frustrated if the convo doesn't go in the direction you want it to, and you won't begin to PUSH it, or worse: LB.

Good luck!! We're all pulling for ya!

OK, had "meeting." Took advise and had no expectations. Good thing--it was very strained to say the least. WH just kept saying that "intimacy" needs to come naturally and he can't remember time that it was free and natural.

Talked a bit about what we needed to do for each other, but seemed to fall on deaf (and slightly depressed) ears. WH said that he doesn't want to come back just for the children, wants to come back for me. But also said he misses me and knows where he belongs.

My read--he's getting pressure from both sides (me and OW) and knows that he really needs to make a decision. His lease ends in July and I'm sure that he feels that he needs to make decision to move back home or with her.

All and all, a slightly depressed time. Makes me sure that Plan B needs to go as planned--in 4 weeks when my/kids schedule makes it do-able. Until then I'll keep Plan Aing a whole bunch. It's hard though when he seems so withdrawn and depressed.

Sounds very hopeful to me. Keep posting and reading here. We will help get you ready for Plan B. It seems like a long way off, but will come very soon.

Plan B is hard to get into, but very peaceful once you are there. You will need a Plan B letter, so start working on that.

In the meantime, start working on changing the things that you can. That means working on you.

FEHopeful,

I think that the onus of responsibility is falling on the wrong person here. He is the one who is having the affair, not you. It is HIM who needs to be laying out a plan to restore his marriage. He has caused enormous damage to this marriage and in order to come back, certain boundaries need to be set.

He does not set that agenda, YOU DO. I would let him know that in order to come back, he would have to end ALL contact with the OW, even if that means leaving his job. I would expect to see demonstrable PROOF that he has ended his affair, a no contact letter at the VERY LEAST.

He would also have to account for his time to you and give you all passwords, etc in order to rebuild the trust he has destroyed.

You don't even want to settle for less, or you are in for the hell of your life.

I do agree that you are quite ready for Plan B. That may well work to pull him off the fence. But before you do that, I would suggest laying out some clear boundaries and doing all the exposing you can do.

Have you exposed his affair to both your families? Is the OW married? Has her spouse been told if so?

I had a hard enough time "exposing" that we were separated until I found out that WH was telling everyone that "we both agreed that it would be a good idea that he move out so that we could work on the marriage." When I told WH that I sent an email to a group of friends saying something to the effect "much to the dismay of family, H has moved out...", he was livid. WH said "now I'm really glad I moved out."

So that was then. Now I have to expose the A--oh brother! WH sister knows and WH best friend, my sister and a few select friends. That's it. Just found out that MIL does not know (my M does not know either) and nobody at WHs work knows (the A is with a coworker--separate consulting companies that work together). I fear that this will be a huge setback if I expose. On the other hand, I think family needs to know. Not sure about the workplace--I don't know anyone there personally. OW is single.

FE_hopeful I know your H doesn't want to do a program, but you might just want to print out the basic concept's here and ask your H if he would read them and it would mean alot to you if he did. Just say I'd like you to read these and see if this is something you might be interested in. That way there's no pressure and he can make the decision. I'd only do this though if he's willing to come back and work on your M.