Well... today my son was acting really weird. Whining a lot, burting into tears at the slightest little thing. We were on the way to the materials store to pick up some stuff for his 'town' (we are making a big HO scale terrain for the train set he got for christmas) and I finally just outright asked him what was really bothering him.

He said he was worried mom would change her mind about moving in with us in June. He was scared that she would end up chosing OW over us.

Blink blink.

This caught me completely off guard. I have no problem accepting the fact that she'll keep me in limbo, or that she'd not want to be with me. Ok, well, I do have a problem with that, but the point is I figured she'd be straight with her son about the moving in thing, and also no matter what, she'd never choose OW over mini dewt. This is a belief that I've maintained through this whole thing, so I was kind of unprepared for his statement.

I basically told him not to worry about it. Told him to take it easy and he would see that things'd work out. Told him that he's the most important thing in the world to her and that I didn't think she'd change her mind or choose OW over us.

Then he started bad mouthing OW and I told him to drop the subject. And the rest of the day has been pretty good.

Anyway, we've been trying all day to reach mom without any luck. I was getting a little worried and on my last call to her place I asked her roommate if she was out with someone. He said yes. Without thinking, I asked if it was OW. He said yes.

My son must have overheard the conversation because when I came back into the living room he asked my straight out if mom was out with OW. I just kind of looked at him.

He started to cry. Wanted to talk to mom. Hates OW. Knows she's not coming back. Wants to know when she's going to be home. Wants me to wake him up when she calls.

I didn't know what to say. I loved him up. Tucked him into bed. Promised I'd wake him up if mom calls. I left a message with her roommate that she should call when she gets in, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm so angry I don't know what to do. I can't even say I'm angry at her because she didn't really do anything to provoke this. I know she's been seeing OW all these months... why get all riled up about it now? It's just the look on my son's face as he fights off these fears and this sense of abandonement...

I can't take much more of this. Me? I can take a lot. Personally, I've been through so much hell in my life and been abandoned and betrayed so many times that I can handle this. But to look into my son's face and see him being set up for the same sort of life... that's too much.

too much.

As a side note... Dylan, a few weeks ago, said she was working on a letter for OW. She said she was going to give it to her on the 16th. That's tommorrow. Maybe that's why they are together now. Maybe my W is finally ending it. Maybe they're having 'one last night' together. I dunno. I sure hope so. Either way it doesn't undo anything about today. The damage has still been done.

dewt

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

dewt,

when mom calls tell her what he told you then let her handel it. no LB'ng ... just tell her exactly what he said.

I do not think that you should subtitute your judgement over hers. You should not promise him what is not within your control.

Hang in there.

-rh-

Hey thanks for the reply. Nah... no LBing.

And yeah, I'll let her handle it. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

But this sure sucks.

Like I said. I can't really say I'm angry specifically at her right now anyway. It was the circumstances of the day that put that look on his face. And it the circumstances that I'm upset with. This whole disgusting circumstance.

But I'm still flipping out. This whole thing is just about the filthiest, nastiest most revolting thing I've ever experienced. My poor boy. What the heck did he ever do to deserve this???

dewt

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: cipher ]</small>

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: cipher ]</small>

Well, the official plan, is that we are going there next weekend for a weekend visit.

I'm going to be giving a long overdue hand with sorting the house and my W has told me that we will have a serious talk. I hope she takes this week to do some thinking.

After that, mid to late June, the plan is for me to go with a U-haul and move her here. There is no commitment on her part to work on the marriage or family. Right now her focus is on getting back into her son's daily life. (I have a doozy of a thread on this, but it's a few months old)

We have a lot to talk about. And a lot to finally resolve. This has been going on for way too long now. I can't bear the effect this is having on my son anymore. He deserves way way better than this and after the experiences I had trying to raise my first son I swore that I would never let another child of mine down in any way. That's a promise I made to myself. And this dragging out of the pain and uncertainty has gone on long enough.

Enough is enough. It has to stop.

Now.

I've been told over and over that I need to grow up. Well, the little boy cowering in the corner hoping and cringing and begging not to be abandoned yet again has a son of his own now. Where I lacked the stregnth to stand up and be a man before, I don't think that is the case anymore. I don't know exactly what that means yet. I suppose I will find out next weekend.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cellophane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My poor boy. What the heck did he ever do to deserve this???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not a thing in the world. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sins of the fathers...

That this all happened is as much my fault as it is hers.

But I will NOT be a party to it continuing.

dewt

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Dewt, I'm sorry for the devastation this is causing your little guy. To quote my own kids, it isn't fair (they're too little to know about the infidelity, they just say that all the time). It sucks.(that's my quote).

I too have hung in there because a) I love my H and am awaiting the space aliens ship at any time to return him to earth and b) because I don't want to devastate my kids - we are a family.

I also feel like, ok, dish it out, be honest and just get on with it already.

Anyway, before I go off on a tangent, it is just so hard that one parent has to almost protect their children from the other parent. Really sad. The fact that they could be so lost and selfish is crazy. It makes no sense at all.
We can take it, what choice do we have, but to hurt the kids....for your own pleasure...I can't take that.

At least he's got you. Take care.

Well, yeah, he does have me. And one good thing that's come out of all this is I've become a really awesome dad! I was a good dad before, but now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In her defense, I don't think she's getting a lot of pleasure out of this. In fact, I can't ever remember seeing her this miserable. That's the part I can't get over. She knows about MB principles. She knows about love banks and how you can put effort into making those loving feelings come back... so why has she chosen to go through this for this long? I know that being away from her son is horrible for her... these are the things I can't get my mind around...

dewt

dewt,

There is a time for everything. This might be the time to call to end this. I did end mine b/c I don't want my 2 D get impacted.

Now my 2 D has been evaluated by IC and she said ... no impact & they recovered fast, thanks to MBers that has helped me.

-rh-

Hello Dewt,
I think you need to clarify something for mini... if your wife does choose OW it does not meanthat sheis abandoning the little guy, it simply means that she cannot return to you as a wife... she will always be in mini's life. He needs to be reassured of her permanency in his life whether or not your marriage works out.
Also, In response to one of the responses to you. A family breaking up is not always devastating to children. Healing for my family began when my marriage ended. Although my children went through their emotions and grieving, the fact that my ex and I worked everything out amicably and succeeded in transforming our relationship into one of pure parenthood-partnership, helped my children go beyond the grieving to becoming secure in the fact that neither myself or my ex will ever abandon them... we ARE permanent fixtures in their livves despite the divorce, and they KNOW it... furthermore they have NEVER been happier in their lives. We are all whole, including the ex.
Also, why does mini equate his mother's possible chosing of the OW with her abandoning him... I think you need to choose carefully how you word things... as I have already suggested to you in another post.

Peace be with you in preparing for the visit next week and god's wisdom guide you in your decisions.

Odyssey

Ahh... but call an end to what? To trying to save 'the family'... I don't think I'm quite ready for that. Sometimes I feel like I've had quite enough, thank you very much, but I already have one son who has two parents who aren't together. And comparing him to his brother I say there is a world of difference. And I say that two parents who don't do EVERYTHING in their power to make the marriage work are commiting one of the foulest sins possible against their own children. And while I have the tiniest shred of hope or faith left that my wife will decide she wants to make this work, I simply cannot walk away. I may screw up, make mistakes, handle things badly from time to time, but not give up. No. Worst comes to worse, and she doesn't come around, at least my son will learn some lessons about devotion and dedication to family and perseverance.

Healing for his family may begin when it is ended too. My sincerest hope is that the healing will begin when we are re-united. Hopefully before that.

If things really don't work out, and my W is incapable if finding the love and hope that's buried (deep) in her heart, well so be it. After all that we've been through, I wouldn't hate her for that. We would indeed be focussing on developing a working relationship in regards to parenting. I think a dissolved family is devastating in a childs life. Fortunately, they are resilient and it doesn't have to stay devastating, but this would be very difficult for mini-dewt.

And as far as the 'abandonment' word... well I use that term. I do not use it in front of him. His mom feels love for him. He knows she does. Me? I got issues with that word right now. That's mainly cause I'm angry and frustrated. And also a reaction to all the heat I've taken lately about actions speaking louder than words. All the same, I'd have liked for him to hear it from her today of all days, but she's uh... unavailable at the moment.

Ok. Apparently I am still in a mood. I'm trying to keep my bitterness under control. I was led to believe that there was a letter to be delivered this weekend. And I'm leaning on my faith in her right now to keep me calm and non-judgemental. I guess I'll find out tommorrow if I was right in believing in her or if... never mind. No good can come of this train of thought.

Dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And while I have the tiniest shred of hope or faith left that my wife will decide she wants to make this work, I simply cannot walk away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you've been thumped by a few 2x4's here recently, and some you probably deserved. But I also believe you really do want to do what is right for your son and your family in general, and I commend you for your statement about not walking away.

I am fighting guilty feelings right now because I'm lacking the desire to keep fighting for my M at this point.

LL

desire? to keep fighting? LOL... ROTFLMAO!!!!

What's that word?...

Oh yeah...

Bullpucky.

Most days I want nothing more than to just say, "[censored] it!", and end this travesty. Notwithstanding the errors I've made, and my own contribution to our former lives, it's been 5 months now that I've been on my own, making the efforts. And the whole time I've been ducking 2x4's and staring down the barrel of a pointed finger. At least once per day I get overwhelmed and so full of bitterness and resentment that I could just scream.

BUT...

Every night I read my Bible and I think about Christ, and the cross he bore for us. And I ask myself, "Can I not bear this one for my family?" And I think about the Lords prayer, which I taught my son to say (and am teaching him to live) which says "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us". And I think and I read, and every night I come across a passage which speaks to me. And it's the same message... Stay true. Be strong. Have faith. Trust in My Great Plan for your life.

AND...

Then I think about the woman who I've loved more than life itself. For as long as I can remember. The woman who has defined woman for me- even moreso than my Mom. I think about her and the life we could have together if we both wanted it bad enough and were willing to act.

And I think that if I give up now, I remove ALL hope of that ever happening.

And then I think about my son growing up with divorced parents.

And I can't give up.

I can't.

But, ooooh there are times when I want to...

dewt

<small>[ May 16, 2004, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

bingo, dewt!
you hold the key to this. if you hold on then there is hope. if you let go, hope goes with it. marriage is work and well worth fighting for. stay true to your faith and it will bring you and that little man with you to a new understanding.
God bless,
rdl

<small>[ May 16, 2004, 12:51 AM: Message edited by: renewingdeeplove ]</small>

(whiny voice)...but I don't want any more understanding...

I want my family back together. I want my wife to be my Wife again. I want to look into my sons face and not see loss anymore. I want him to feel secure again and loved again.

Understanding? I understand too much already. And the little sleep that I did get has not helped my mood.

Last night when I was tucking Minidewt in to my bed (he refused to sleep in his own) we talked. He brought up things we used to all do together and said he wished it could be like that again. It was all I could do not to burst into tears.

What am I going to do with this?

dewt

she'd never choose OW over mini dewt. This is a belief that I've maintained through this whole thing, so I was kind of unprepared for his statement

She already has chosen the OP over mini-dewt these past months...

that is your sons reality....
that is a realistic fear he is facing now....

be honest with your son...
children more than anything want and deserve the truth....

dewt it is your job to protect it from happening again...
In my mind it is more of a travesty if she moves in with you next month...and then moves out again.....

I am telling you to proceed with extreme caution for your sons sake...

he will perceive her abandonement as his fault..

he is not lovable enough
he is not good enough
he is not likable enough for his own mother to choose him.....

children ARE very self-centered just based on developemental stages...and do believe that the world revolves around them...

they feel powerless and are powerless in adult decisions....

I think you need to process this openly and honestly...that it is a possibility that mom and dad may not live together always.....

if you can role-model different scenarios of what the future holds...always stressing his safety and love...it will help alleviate his fears of the unknown....

she already has chosen for five months...
this is his reality...

ark

Hey thanks for popping in ark, I appreciate your brand of honesty.

I have similar fears and they will be addressed this upcoming weekend. Some resolutions will be made. Period. I still support her moving out here, and regardless of anything will do my utmost to help, BUT I'm not interested in furthering any more damage to my son's psyche.

If Mom isn't committed to working on this, there will be a time limit discussed and Minidewt will be made aware that mom living with us is only temporarily. This will be done in a forthright and loving manner. In my thread about this, we discussed setting up boundries. I've been thinking about this and am not afraid to set some up. Ok, well I am a little afraid, but I'll do what I gotta do.

I think the greatest travesty going right now, the thing that makes me angrier and more bitter than anything at this moment is the feeling that I have to protect my Son from his own mother. That just isn't right.

dewt

Just rereading you post to me...

I'm not so sure it's the OP that has been chosen over us... I think Dylan is in some sort of horrible inner place and that 'place' is what has been chosen over us. I think OP is circumstancial. In a way, a victim as much as the rest of us. Maybe I'm wrong on this one... but it's what my gut has been telling me.

I think Dylan is deadlocked in her own head. Unable or unwilling to make the choices neccesary to move forward in any direction. It's been my hope that her Love for her son would be enough to snap her out of this. In some ways it seems to be happening... in some ways it's not.

We'll see.

In the meantime, Mini has been bugging me to call mom this morning. I'm trying to put him off till 8ish. If she did make it home last night, it must have been very late. I do hope she's home. More than anything right now...

<small>[ May 16, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Dewt your son is not able to process the deeper nuances of mom's horrible inner place...

I barely can grasp it...cause you'd have to cut my guts out to seperate me from my children...
voluntarily....

you can't be that deep with a child..
you have to be child-like...

in dewts world mom is not here...she is there...
to dewt it is as simple as choosing....

she has chosen something other than him...

he must villify the OP...because his other option is to villify his mom....which is unfathonable...and the thought that he is rebeling against the most....denying that his own mother could let him leave her....

his venting at the OP though misguided may be very healthy for him on some level....

and you and mom may be smart to let her be the villian rather than try to defend or deny that...

children are deep and thoughtful in their own way..
but they crave security and boundaries to feel safe....
even though they themselves test and push those limits..it is how they safely explore their world...

I am concerned about you two moving in together...
I think you two should co-parent in the same town though...

ARK