I moved this post to this board from Plan A/B because I was told I would get more response here.

I'm new to this board, but I've been reading along now for several weeks. I've also read SAA and HNHN. Let me give some background.

I'm a BH and my WW's A is still continuing, (we're in plan A). I'm trying my best to curtail my anger, disrespect and demands, although it's hard when the lies and deceit keep coming. I'm also treating her nicely with flowers, love notes etc. Sometimes though, it seems so futile. You see, ever since I confronted her 4 months ago, she's wanted nothing to do with me. She'll only talk to me if it's regarding the kids or finances. Small talk and marriage talk are out of the question- she just leaves the room. She never acknowledges any of the things I give her or do for her. What hurts the most is that she tells anyone who'll listen to her that I'm a mean and nasty husband who has made her unhappy all these years! These are of course lies and fogtalk. At least I have my family and HER family on my side. (Yes, HER family...can you believe it!)

She's also seeking a separation agreement so I've retained a lawyer. The interesting thing is that she expects ME to move out of the house willingly, even though I've done nothing wrong! I'm gonna have to fight her on this issue because I'm not giving up my home or custody of my kids when SHE'S the one having the affair! That brings me to my question. Should I legally fight to stay in the house with my kids even though it's probably going to be a big LB? If a judge or my lawyer tell me to move out, that's one thing- in fact it would be an ideal time to implement plan B. But in the meantime, don't I have the right to fight for the house and primary custody of the kids? If I moved out on my own, I would look like the guilty party don't you think? The reason that I'm fighting this is because before I discovered the A, I used to stay home with the kids A LOT while she was out with her boyfriend. Now she "sneaks out" with him much less often, but she still goes out with her girlfriends once or twice a week. (I'm keeping all these "outings" documented). So I figure, I've been the primary parent a good part of the time anyways. I just hope the judge sees it that way too.

Sometimes I feel so depressed and hopeless with all this hostile behavior and the impending separation. Sometimes I feel I should just file for divorce and move on...but that would just burn bridges. Besides, it goes against the MB principles. It's hard to remain calm and rational when your emotions are telling you differently.

Anyways, it seems that legal matters and kids make Plan A/Plan B complicated. Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks,

Plan A can be tricky. The biggest mistake people make is assuming that Plan A is Plan Doormat. What you need to do is eliminate disrespectful judgements, angry outburts and selfish demands. Also you want to try to avoid withdrawing loveunits from the ol' lovebank, and indstead put them in.

I don't think you moving out is a good idea. Not the she's going to be happy about that, but as I told my wife, "I will not be the one to walk out the door. But if you feel you don't want to be a part of this marriage and family, I can't stop you from leaving. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to hold this family together so that if you should decide you want to come back, there will be something for you to come back to."

She seemed to accept that, though not happily. In the end, my son and I did end up leaving, but more out of practical concerns. Leaving her with the house was no favour. Make no mistake about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Plan A is Plan A. It's a tough one to be sure, but it doesn't mean you roll over and expose your throat. She still needs to face the consequences of her actions. Just do it in a loving, kind and patient way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!

Yep, a love buster, but a calculated one. You've stated all the reasons why you shouldn't and they're good ones.

Allow me to point out what you didn't state about your Plan A.

Your Plan A improvements.

What did you identify as your needed improvements and have you accomplished them and demonstrated them to your wife?

What ENs of hers did you identify that you weren't filling and, if she'll let you, are you filling them now?

Good that you have her family on board, but don't overplay this card - let them do their own thing, but answer any questions honestly.

Dewt and WAT are right, you absolutely should NOT move out. Nor should you let her have custody of the kids. And if she continues to use your home as a flop house from which she conducts her affair, I would consider filing a separation and getting her ejected from the home.

Her actions are unbelievably destructive to you and your children and the longer you endure it, the more her respect for you ERODES. Women don't want men they don't respect. So please keep that in mind when conducting Plan A. Letting her get away with anything and everything with NO consequences is just as much a love buster as screaming in her face, because she loses respect.


Does her OM have a wife?

Yes the OM has a wife and 2 boys 10 and 13. I contacted her several weeks ago to let her know about the A and she just found out herself a few days prior. She's also trying plan A on her end, but she's very hesitant to expose the affair or take a stand because she's afraid he'll pack up and leave. I'm trying to convince her that that will be a good thing. I'll talk with her later today...see how it goes.

As far as me meeting WW's EN's, she won't have anything to do with me. The main ones like affection, conversation, and companionship turn her off...she'll just leave the room. I think in her mind she ACTUALLY thinks that I'M the cause of all this...she won't accept any responsibility whatsoever! However, I do fulfill whatever needs I can like financial support, family commitment, domestic support... I in fact work my butt off around the house and take care of the kids a good part of the time.

BTW, how would I go about getting WW ejected from our home? She's telling her lawyer and some of her "friends", (ALL previously divorced or separated), that yes she had an affair late last year, but it's over now, and she suddenly realized that her H is evil and makes her unhappy and we must get separated! Can my lawyer do anything like write a threatening letter without proof? I guess I could get sworn statements from her co-workers or something if I had to.

Thanks,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blue note:
<strong>She's also trying plan A on her end, but she's very hesitant to expose the affair or take a stand because she's afraid he'll pack up and leave.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not likely. As you know, this is the best thing she could do. Send her to learn and/or print out posts about exposure. I'll bump one up for you, "Affair Exposure 101."

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think in her mind she ACTUALLY thinks that I'M the cause of all this...she won't accept any responsibility whatsoever!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She does think this. Very, very typical. She HAS to think this to justify her behavior. Pure psychological projection.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can my lawyer do anything like write a threatening letter without proof?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask your lawyer.

You should not seek to get her ejected until you are ready for Plan B. She cannot get you ejected unless there has been abuse of some kind, I bet. Ask your lawyer.

Under no circumstances should you voluntarily leave or give up custody of your kids.

She likely has re-written your history and believes she could have you thrown out. My WS actually thought she could get custody and she soon found out from HER lawyer that it wasn't possible.

Time is on your side. If OM hasn't left his home he's not certain that he wants to.

Buy two copies of Surviving an Affair available from the bookstore on this site or just about any on-line bookseller. Give one to OM's wife. Write down the address of this web site for her as well.

WAT

Hey WAT;

I'm already a step ahead of you with the book idea...I did that last week. Thanks for bumping up that post...very helpful. I will copy that one for safekeeping.

It sounds like you're the "guru" when it comes to the topic of exposure. I've often wondered what the "official" Harley stance is on exposure because it's not mentioned in SAA. Anyways, I would like to talk to you about this some more because my WW is in the military and you sound like you have some experience there. In fact I've already contacted her supervisor but nothing else has happened yet. Her supervisor and commander are both seeking legal advice so that there is no sexual harassment repurcussions.

later,