My husband has lied to me off and on thru our entire marriage. Sometimes over big things, but many times little. Both of us have been married before, we have been married now almost 8 yrs. Two weeks ago I caught him in lies regarding a trip he had made to Dallas for a convention. He got drunk and was lieing about where he was who he was with and what he was doing. I asked him to be honest with me and he said he couldn't because if I knew the truth I would have no one to depend on and i couldn't take care of the kids by myself. I asked him what he meant by this statement when he wasn't drunk and he said he didn't know. I called his hotel room and his cell all night and he never ansewered. In the past two weeks his story about events surrounding the weekend have changed, and he maintains he lied at some points because it was more convient than to tell the truth. But, he lied at other times about the weekend to hide the fact that he had planned on having sex with someone else. He says that there were no concrete plans and no one in particular, he had just thoiught about doing something. I feel like there is more to the story that he is still not being honest. He cheated on his first wife and never came clean with her regarding all his affairs- even after we were married and she confronted him. We have four kids and I want to try and work things out but I feel like he is still being dishonest and I don't know how to move past this feeling. I am so angry and I don't trust him out of my sight!

Are you the OW he was having the A with?

You need to be tested ASAP for STD's.
The first thing here is your physical health, next you can begin to deal with deciding to stay or not stay with an unfaithful H.

I am not ignoring th emotional issues here, but my brother died of an AIDS's related affair and I am on a crusade regarding sexually transmitted diseases.

<small>[ May 16, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

No I am not the OW from his previous marriage. He was divorced for over a year when I met him. I have an appt. to get tested for STDS and HIV. I have asked him to do the same- he refused.

momof5, is lying and adultery a way of life with him?

Lying is definately a way of life for him, but as far as I know he has never cheated on me before. I have suspected him before this incident, but I have never had this much doubt or circumstantial evidence. He always said how sorry he was for cheating on his first wife, and that he would never do that again. But, then he blames his first wife for his affairs- that she wasn't satisfying his needs.

momof5,

It sounds like adultery is also a way of life with him if he did it in his last marriage and then again in this one. You probably realized when you married him that he would also commit adultery with you too, right?

What I am getting at is that while people do change, they are unlikely to do so unless they have a motivation. Otherwise it's best to just accept them how they are. And I wonder if this is just how your H *IS* and something you have to consider accepting or rejecting?

The Marriage Builders principles are designed to help those whose adultery was an aberration of character, rather than a way of life.

For example, an otherwise faithful, truthful woman can become very vulnerable to an affair if her needs are not met for years on end. When she has an affair, it is out of character for her. That is where MB principles come in.

However, if lying and adultery are a way of life for her, then practicing the MB principles [meeting her needs] cannot be solution since it's NOT the problem. The problem, rather, is one of CHARACTER and MB is not a program designed to alter someone's character. Does that make sense?

<small>[ May 16, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Mom, how are you doing?

I am doing ok. I am sad one minute and mad the next. We spent 2 hrs. with our marriage con. this morning. He still maintains that nothing happened, but then why all the lies????? I am so sick of this roller coaster!

Mom,
here's my concern...he lied about the weekend and was planning to have sex with someone else? No one in particular, no concrete plans... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Whether or not he actually went through with his plan is not the issue. He was planning to just look for some stranger to have sex with and then come home to you?

This shows a serious lack of understanding of a marriage relationship and makes me wonder why you would risk your life by continuing to have relations with him.

He has a history of infidelity, he tells you of his intentions to sleep with "no one in particular" and has a habit of lying regularly to you. what the heck did the MC have to say about this?

MB principles will work if the infidelity is not a pattern that the person is not willing to change. I do want to hear what the MC had to say and what plan of action he has both of you on.

Are you being tested this week? If not, don't sleep with your H...

Momf5:

I'm going out on a limb here, but does your husband have a problem with alcohol? He may not be lying to you . . . he may really not remember the events of the night during his trip to Dallas. One of my friends has recovered from his fith of burbon a day habit. He says there are portions of his life that he just can't remember. . .

I don't know if he is cheating. Why do you think that he told you he was planning to have sex with someone else? Has he expressed disappointment in your sexual relationship?

The MC thinks my husband has detachment disorder- not to lay blame on what he has done but that he does have all the signs. The MC told hom he had to deal with his past issues with his family and his insecuriies before we could ever work on anything, and that if he didn't he would loose his family. She also said that his needs being fullfilled by me were not a question, that he simply was not connecting with any one emotionally. What she described seeing in him- because of the detachment disorder- is exactly the things I have been saying for a long time- just I didn't know there was a name for it. He has a lot of issues- he was adopted, and then his adoptive parents are very controling and judgemental. He was never shown unconditional love. I am not making excuse for his lying- and I can no longer live with it-BUT, I do think he has a real problem and I know he can get help. He has to make the decision and the effort to change. The MC agreed that if he didn't that we would be better off without him and his destructive ways. He seems to honestly want to work on things and has commited to cons. once a week for him and once a week for us as a couple. I am just so sick of the lying and it has made me so guarded. I just pray that it will workout. And yes he does have a problem drinking. He doesn't drink at home, but when he does drink socially he drinks way too much and gets out of control. The whole time we have been married I have seen him drink twice- that weekend was the second. He has always said that drinking played a big part in his first marriage on all his problems.

Wow, he sounds so much like my H. Detachment disorder? I'm not sure I have ever heard of it. My H was diagnosed recently w/ Bipolar. He has always been detached from the important things (family, work, his emotions) & covered up so much. He was tossed around in foster care & I don't believe he ever learned how to feel accepted, let alone how to be a MAN. He used pot though. And not at home. Hung around the wrong people b/c the right ones wouldn't permit his behavior, he was blut in every aspect & just wanted to feel accepted in "his" crowd. It was hard to share the same friends.

Being that your H is drinking to the point of being out of control it must be that he's dealing w/ some big issues that he must not want to share with you, or might not know how. Humm...I pray for your strength, trying to sort through the truth when you love someone so much..it messes with your head. Your mind fools with you and your heart wants to believe otherwise.

I hope you get your answers soon Mom..and I'm sorry I haven't such good advise to give you, you'd probaly better advise me on some of my issues. Take care..

Oh sister just hearing that you see where I am coming from is so much! Look up dettachment disorder- every thing we found on it was on adoption web sites, and more men have it as adults than women. And many kids in foster care have it. My husband did the opposite- you would never know from the outside that there was a problem- he is well respected in the community and a successful business man. But he has always been emotionaly detached like you said from the important things. He is dealing with alot with his family- his son from his first marriage molested our daughter last summer. It has been a horrible year with all of that, but I thought we were dealing with things well. The kids and I have been in therapy since disclosure, but he only went a couple times. I should have known. When you read what your life has become it sounds like a bad episode of Jerry Springer. We really are your normal family. His Dad blames him for all his son's problems-despite the fact that he was molested by one of his exs many boyfriends. It is a really bad deal-but I have complete faith that what Satan meant for bad that God can make something good. I hold on to that....