I am trying to find some information on anyone that had to handle plan B during pregnancy. I need advice on how to handle my WH, OW, and the birth of my child. I am due in August.

I was technically in plan A during the final weeks of my pregnancy with twins. At 7 months pregnant, my H told me the fogese (I don't want to be M anymore, etc). I kicked him out of the house a few weeks later, and 2 weeks after that (one month before my due date), I was admitted into hospital under strict bedrest, and ended up with an emergency c-section 2 days later.

The H claimed that he wanted to be there with me in the operating room (the twins were transverse, and I had assumed from day 1 knowing it was twins, that I'd have a c-sec anyways). However, with all that was going on, I decided that I could not make that decision until the day of the surgery.

As it turned out, I DID call H on his cell phone a few times in the hour before I was under the knife, but he didn't answer. I found out later that he was on a date with OW#1 that night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Being pregnant during your plan A or B is quite the exception from other situations. Your health, and the health of the baby is top priority.

You should try not to focus too much on the OW at this point. I know, I know... MUCH easier said than done, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> One thing that you CAN do, is allow limited access to the baby at the hospital. Most hospitals have rooming in anyways, but you can talk to the nursing staff about your situation, and point blank insist that the OW NOT be allowed around YOUR baby. You might even be able to ask that your H not be there either... but check with a lawyer on that one first.

Before I babble on further... maybe it's best that I stop now, and ask you what it is you have in mind? Do you want your H there or not? Or do you even know? Have you gotten any information regarding child support yet? Babies cost a LOT of money, especially if the breast feeding isn't working and you need to use formula.

I'll check in later on tonight, and again tomorrow morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Karen

I am 26 weeks pregnant and in plan B as H refuses to stop seeing OW. I am in NC. He is still living it up with the OW. He lives with a friend. He has written me letters of concern about not being able to see the baby. He knows he will be a great father. Fog, fog, fog. Of course never any talk about us. He doesn't love me loves OW.
He doesn't talk to anyone about getting a D or selling our home. He states he doesn't want to make any rash decisions. Wants to give it time. I guess he gets a free pass to see his A through.

I am really stuck right now trying to figure out how this will work with a newborn. He is not going to sonograms or prenatal classes and at this point I don't want him their during my delivery as long as he is with the OW.

How did you set up visitation. I definitely want a court order so that the OW is not around my baby.
This is our first child and my H doesn't know how to care for a baby.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. I keep thinking when the time comes I will know what to do.

I just wrote a really long reply... and then my laptop froze up on me! GRRR!!! I hate when that happens!!! Sigh!

Access back then (in 2001) was during my plan A, so I allowed it within my home. The twins were infants, and Eric wasn't yet 2 yrs old. It was just easier that way... and suggested as well, according to this:

http://www.sc.co.pima.az.us/domestic/Visitation_Guidelines.htm

It's a visitation guideline I was given from a family lawyer here in Ontario. He said that those guidelines are pretty standard throughout Canada and the U.S.

On the day I moved into Plan B, I gave H the (almost) 2 yr old, his carseat, and a few of his things (like diapers, one cup of juice, and maybe a few toy cars). I kept the twins with me, b/c they weren't even 4 months old yet. Well... the H just didn't know what to do with Eric! It still makes me laugh looking back on it. I told him that this is how things would be if he and I were to get a D, so he can live this life that he claims to so desperately want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He had no money that day, and it was raining out... so he had to bring Eric to his shared apartment, and all they did was watch a movie.

That night, reconciliation talks began. Granted, they were the start of an 18 month false recovery... but that's another story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Unfortunately, from my own experience, I can tell you that it is highly unlikely that you can get a court order to keep the OW away from your child during visitation, unless you can prove that the child is likely to be harmed by her presence.... and emotional harm is rarely taken into account.

One way around it would be to have access within your home only.. .or through a trusted friend or family member... or of course, through a visitation facility.

If you have the time, it would be beneficial for you to get things figured out now, before the baby arrives. That way you can not only have a paper trail of timelines with your intent to NOT keep the baby from his/her father, but also so that you can put your own mind at ease, knowing you have a plan.

I have to get some sleep... it's been a long day with 3 boys (the twins are now 3 yrs old, and Eric is almost 5). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'll come back online in the morning, and check out this thread. Hopefully in the meantime, some others will be able to share their thoughts as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Thanks for the link. That is very helpful. I am going to see an attorney in a couple weeks.

If my H continues to see OW I don't want him to be a part of the delivery. He can come once the baby is born.

Right now he is just having a great time going out with the OW. He lives with a friend. I have asked my IL if he has plans figured out for the future and he doesn't. He won't be able to live with his friend and have a baby.

I have no idea how this child is going to affect the A and plan B. Luckily I am not due until the end of August. I don't know if I can wait the A out that long. I already want to move on and get a D.
Is your H still with OW? Why was it a false recovery?

I'm glad the link is useful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now, why was it a false recovery? Get comfortable, and read on:

My H was involved in multiple A's throughout our R and M. So is he with OW? Well... I'm sure he's with ONE of them... but goodness knows who. The last I heard, last summer he was with a 19 yr old girl who was pregnant with another man's child. It makes me ill, knowing that all he's doing is recreating the life he had with me and the boys, but with someone else. Apparently, it's VERY typical for WS's to do that (according to posts on the D/D board). It is so ironic, that the life the WS's say they "hate" so much, is EXACTLY what they end up back in if they leave the BS for the OP. They are "tied down" in a R... and who is the one who ends up with the "freedom"? The BS of course!

My H is a sex addict, and included with the multiple A's, he was heavily into porn. His viewing and storing the porn was a definite dealbreaker to me during our recovery. When I found more, I confronted him, and he still didn't think there was anything wrong with him having it. So I started the process to leave him.

Things got REALLY scary after that, and I found child porn too. I turned that into police. He was arrested, but the trial never happened, b/c the case wasn't strong enough, and was interfered by another arrest of his... the sexual assault on an 11 yr old girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> When I left him, it was also in a hurry... and I fled with the boys to a women's shelter, b/c I feared for our safety (he was getting aggressive at the exposure of his "secrets"). Within 3 weeks of me living in the shelter with the boys, he already had TWO different women sleeping in OUR bed!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (if that isn't sick, I don't know what is!).

Anyways... my story is NOT typical... if anything, it's a good one to compare to, b/c it tends to be worse than most others (and it's human nature to feel better when we know someone else has it worse than us, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

No doubt, I still harbour a LOT of anger and resentment about the whole situation. It's more than devastating to plan your life with someone, only to find out that the person you fell in love with, truly doesn't even exist.

As far as visitation issues go, that is VERY much something that has been an issue since I left the s.o.b. He was court ordered to supervised access only, due to the nature of his charges. His parents were the supervisors... which has been something I have been against from day 1... b/c of their not being unbiased (and from personal experience, I suggest NOT having anyone on your H's side of the family be the supervisor for visitation... trust me). Actually... it was with H's parents that the boys were exposed to the OW at the time. They went to her work to pick her up, so they could spend the afternoon together!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They had NO consideration for the emotional wellbeing of the boys... poor Eric, thought Lisa was going to be his new mommy!!! GRRR!!!

Anyways... visitation is still an issue for us. All of the charges against H were withdrawn (each case muddied the other up, according to the crown attorney), and that means that the bail conditions which ordered supervised access, are non existant. So I'm still going through court processes, trying to get the supervised access to remain (my biggest plus is that he hasn't seen the boys since June 2003, and b/c they are all virtually strangers to each other, and judge will HOPEFULLY order supervised access at a local visitation facility, at least for the first 5 or 6 visits).

I'm pretty certain that H seeing the boys will only cramp his style, and I can't really see him fighting to have every other weekend and once per week, as he is entitled to. Shoot! He's already in arrears of over $4000 in child support... so he's proven that his priorities do NOT rest with the boys.

I should stop now. This is too long, and is turning into a vent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sorry if I bored (or scared?) you. LOL. I hope I answered your question about why it was a false recovery. I guess the short answer would have been "he's a sex addict".

Karen