This week I'm ready to expose my WH and the OW affair.

My in-laws have known since day one and have been very supportive. They told me Friday, that I should sit down with WH and discuss how we are going to tell people that we are now separated. I just hope they will support what I'm about to do, they are also embarrassed about the A.

Then I started to think, the reason my H didn't want anyone to know, wasn't to protect me but to protect his A. If I do sit down with him, he'll probably not agree on how to handle this. So I'm doing this on my own, without him. I have read the post Affair Exposure 101, which has been very helpful.

I want to be respectful and don't want to come across angry or bitter. I want to tell people the reason I'm telling them this is to save my marriage not to be hurtful to my WH.

The OW and I have the same circle of friends, and they have been asking me what is up with her marriage, since her H filed for divorce.

Then it hit me, all this time I have been keeping the OW dirty little secret also.

The last person I wanted to protect.

How can I tell people this respectfully and how am I going to handle WH anger?

Especially the question "I didn't have any right to do this and I had invaded his privacy."

Of course you have a right to tell people the truth. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

If there is nothing wrong with his affair, then there is no reason that everyone shouldn't know about it. And if he admits there is something wrong with it, he shouldn't be doing it. When he gets angry, just tell him, I am sorry you are upset, dear, but there is no reason to hide your affair.

Nothing you can say will make him like this, HD, so don't get too hung on that aspect. No one likes to be exposed.

I would also plan on doing all the exposing in ONE DAY as quickly as you can in descending order of priority [key people first and then work down]. Better to get it all done at once and deal with one lovebuster than dribble it out and deal with several.

Can you just email all these people?

Well done! Exposure is the best thing you can do. ML has given some good advice.

WH will go nuts. Be strong, do not LB. Ignore all the hurtful things he may say to you. It will all be worth it in the end.

Im sure you already know, but exposure is key because not exposing means you are enabling the A. You owe it to youself and OWH to expose!

As for how to tell him: call a spade a spade. "(WH) is having an affair with (OW). It started in --- and he has left me for her. I am exposing what he has done in the hope it will end the affair and we can rebuild our mariage together."

You should not try to sugar-coat it or make excuses for him. It needs to sound as bad as it is.

Good luck!

Just jump in and do it. Do not discuss it with him before you do. He will be very angry - they all are. But you have no duty to keep his affair a secret.

Hopelessly
I have just started to expose and dday was 17m ago.
I felt like I was protecting me,the kids and him by telling no one but what has happened is I am the only hurting by not exposing the A he has not had to be accountable for anything.
I thought my kids would hate me for staying,I feared how they would react toward thier dad.

Well I finally told a coworker,and then my daughter.They both said it explained alot to them in the changes they saw in me,ie:weight loss,sadness,lack of interest in anything,and why I was angry at H alot.

For me it was like a huge weight being lifted off of me,it made me feel some freedom.Yes H thought that I did it out of spite but I told him I did it for me.He really was not as mad as I thought he would be.

I think it will be the best thing that you can do for you.Dont worry about him and how he will react after all he did not think of you and your feelings when he started the A did he??

I still have only told about 4people but it gets easier to do every time I do tell someone the truth.
I was just so tired of living a lie.

Best of luck to you,hope this helps.

Expose and expose on your terms. I have found that most of my getting it out was just through casual conversation. They ask whats up, or why are you looking so stressed.
Well . . . WH and I are having some problems.
Generally that opens it up for further questions and you share as much as you like.

Or you could have a MIL like mine, that yelled it from the tree tops to the family. And all rallied around to support me.
They are disappointed in their son, but they love me too and are praying we can save the marriage.

Yes, get the dirty truth out and air it.

It's not that hard. Someone asks what's up with you and H and you say, "He's having an affair with OW. It's very distressing." Never complain, never explain. Why should anyone object to that? If someone says, I wonder what's up with OW. You say, "She's having an affair with my H. I wish they'd stop." You don't need to go into details. Suggest that they talk to H and OW for details!

If you don't worry about reactions, this can be great fun. Watch the reaction on people's faces! I love my H very much -- couldn't stand the idea that people would think that we separated because we just couldn't get along. Phooey. Tell the truth and shame the devil. It was a relief to get it out.

Hi Hopelessly - I agree with the others - If someone asks I would tell the truth, H and OW had an affair, do not protect them anymore.
agree with Martin - don't go into the details but think of a few sentenances to say so when asked & leave it at that -

I am sorry things have turned out this way for you - Sandy

I haven't reveal yet, but I do have some personal time coming up at the end of week, I will probably do it then. I want to make my calls all in one day.

In a way I'm looking forward to it, releasing the burden of his A, and in other ways I'm dreading it.

I want to reveal via the telephone. Email or a letter might be very impersonal. Something this serious should be done on a personal level.

Today I was feeling so angry what he has done, I want to just scream it out, revealing everything. Sometimes I just want to call him, and tell him exactly how I'm feeling, but I always regain my composure. Knowing it probably will fall on deaf ears or make the situation worse.

I know I need to reveal to save my marriage, I have nothing to lose, he has already left and seeing (and maybe living with) the OW.

I know he will be angry, and I'm preparing myself for this.

I see many positives in revealing, but are there any drawbacks?

You asked about drawbacks. Initially my WH accused me of being selfish as I told his mom and dad. The A was brought to light while his dad was in hospital. And admittingly it was not the best time, but his parents and I have always been honest with one another and selfishly I did need their love and support. They and other family have reassured me that I did nothing wrong, that in some ways it helped them take their mind off of their own medical concerns for a bit.
So my story might be a bit drastic. But WH was upset with my exposing the A.

Later, when I found out who, how and where she lives. Along with speaking with OW hubby I again told his parents.
He again, was upset with me for sharing this info. I solidly told him that this A was real, and that I wouldn't hold back any facts. That I needed all the support I could get. Reminding him he had someone to comfort him, and that I did not (if I chose to keep his A secret).

So the fallout for me was WH being upset, but it was only temporary.

The more you snoop, the more you expose in my opinion the less the A is unique and special.
Shedding light on every detail you can find out makes it out for what it is and its hard for the WS to attempt to portray it any other way. Its wrong.

I have not told everyone. It has been exposed to family and to close friends and my coworkers (as I am noticably not myself) but I haven't made it a point to tell EVERYONE.
I have also sought help with his coworkers and I have been fortunate to have support from them too.
In fact, one coworker was very useful in assisting me finding out who . . . as it turned out to be someone that works with my WH.

Generally speaking people want to support a marriage and so they will support you in your efforts.