Ok, I'm starting a new thread to discuss my H's homecoming and the events surrounding it. As many of you know he was deployed for 3 weeks to teach a few classes in Korea.

He came home this weekend. I'll bring you up to speed on the events prior to his homecoming:

While he was gone it was very difficult for me. We have been in recovery for a few months now but when he left the triggers of the A were killing me (I posted this topic the week he left). I did fine throughout the deployment until this past Thursday...I had some really bad nightmares and started dwelling on the A heavily...the Oprah show and the audiences reaction made me feel stupid and I started questioning my decision to stay and work this out. I just kept thinking I was rolling over and letting him run all over me. To sum it up my pride hurt and my heart hurt. So when he called me Thursday morning I got upset. I cried and asked him why and reminded him of the pain he caused and told him how I didn't feel safe with him....how I wondered when he would do it again...reminded him of the events surrounding the A...the war, friends dieing in combat.....all of that and how he had only been back for a few months when he decided to leave us.

BAD THING PEOPLE!! I should have kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have let myself get so worked up. I should be beyond this point now. I should be happy to be in recovery and have an M to work on. Many of the people here would do anything to have an M to work on. I know that and I feel guilty for having these terrible thoughts.

OK, so after my vent fest I felt terrible. He didn't ask for that. He's trying to make things right. He called me back Friday morning (round 4 in the am) He told me that he wasn't mad at me for being upset. He told me I have every right to feel the way I do. He told me he loves me and that he was so sorry he hurt me. I started the conversation by saying I was sorry and how stupid it was of me to get so upset. He just squashed all of that and said he understood and din't blame me. He ended the conversation by saying that I was a part of him and he loves me more then anything in this world. He said he'd be home in a few days and would make me forget he ever went on this training mission.

Saturday he came home to a wonderful homecooked (country cook'n) meal and a brand new truck. He was on cloud nine. My girls were beside themselves. He brought tons of gifts and made sure to let the girls hug his neck and give him kisses then he came to me for our welcome home hugs. It was wonderful.

We had balloons and welcome home daddy posters for him. He was so surprised to see that but I told him he didn't have to go to war to have a Hero's Welcome Home Party.

So this weekend we drove around in his new truck to do some errands. He held my hand every chance he could. He told me he loved me often. Yesterday afternoon that song (I forget the name but I'll take a stab)...."The reason is you." came on the radio. I had heard it and often thought of our situation. I didn't think he would pay attention enough to pick it up but as soon as he heard the tune he turned the radio up and squeezed my hand. I could tell he had heard the song before. He didn't say a word but he would gently squeeze my hand as the song played.

He's not a big talker...never had been. He doesn't show his emotions well but I could see that he wanted to say to me the things in that song.

It was a moving experience at the time. Now typing it here it seems insignificant and silly but at the time it was powerful. I can't help but think that if he hadn't gone away for 3 weeks what happened this weekend would not have happened. I see it as one step back and 2 steps forward.

My next step in recovery....get him a new cellphone as recommended by the posters on my Triggers thread. Working on getting rid of the other triggers as well.


So I thought I'd post this here to see if anyone had any comments on my steller atempts to ruin the recovery I have worked so hard for. I also thought others in recovery might be able to post some comments on the different stages of their recovery and their FWSs reactions.

Re: 'ruining' your recovery: FORGET IT!
You have been amazing in welcoming him home and I think all the good things you did outweigh the tiny expression of doubt. He has obviously forgiven that. The PORH involves revealing fears as well, just so long as it doesnt amount to a LB.

It is moments like the one you describe with the song which make it all worthwhile for us all. These moments we share without uttering a word is precisely why we are all here making the effort to keep what we have, or regain it.

You have come such a long way, and I would put money on you having nothing to fear for the future because your H has learnt a huge lesson: he will never risk his family again. This is down to YOU and your efforts.

Now is the time to reap the rewards, so relax and enjoy your H and his pent-up testosterone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How was the drive way (as mentioned in your other post)? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

heroswife

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

You are fine. This time you leaned on you H for support and he was there to support you. It would appear the fog is gone!

You have done so well! You are developing into a walking testamonial for Plan A, exposure, and the MB philosophy. You should be so proud of yourself!!!

Keep up the good work, and keep posting. It's so rewarding to read the success stories, especially for those who are on the brink of losing hope.

You've done so well!!

Continued success to you and your family...

SD

well thanks for sharing w/us, especially for those of us who are living vicariously through your circumstances <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> sounds like a truly wonderful homecoming and i'm glad for your whole family.

i agree w/what KS said about being honest w/out LBing and your H does need to do what he can to protect you and your M. has your H become familiar w/the MB concepts? read HN/HN? there's another MB weekend in july, any thoughts of going? i know that you know about the process of recovery and the "work" it may take at times and all of us hope to only hear of the little bumps in the road and want the most success for you and your H. you know that the MB concepts work and are experiencing some of that already and we want you to continue to do so.

sorry if i took away any of the homecoming news, wasn't my intention. i just wanted to speak to some of the concerns you had mentioned. did he take some leave this week or did your H have to go back to work? either way, he's "home" in more ways than one. and yes maybe thinking about how many people would do anything to have a M to work on might help you in your "own" recovery aside from the recovery of the M. continued thoughts and prayers to you.

SD and KS -

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I hope others view my story as an example of how exposure and MB works. WAT keeps me up to speed on posters that are worried about exposure. I try to drop my 2 cents when I can. I just hate to see all the new people on this site. The cycle continues as others experience what we are going through. I just wish it would stop...or maybe slow down a little.

WAT -

The driveway was amazing. My girls were dressed perfectly...pigtails for all. Balloons on the mailbox and a welcome home poster hanging on the house....my neighbors surely thought he had been to war. The baby saw him first. She screamed My Daddy My Daddy and we all flew out of the front door. The kids knocked each other down to get to him. And I just attacked him. I was crying but tried not to let him see that. It was just so emotional to have him home. He had his new truck, a huge home cooked meal, the kids were crawling all over him giving him kisses and hugs, and he had a wife that couldn't stop smiling...throw in a cold Bud Light and I believe he had sensory overload.

Yesterday we took the kids to the park so they could swing (it's right by our house). I sat on a bench to read while he worked on his new truck in the driveway. He finished up on his truck (had to put on a POW/MIA sticker on the back window before he could call it "his" truck) and came out to sit with me. I laid my head on his lap and we just chatted. We laughed and giggled and he told me I was wonderful.

I think a 3 week break should be a scheduled part of recovery....well for me it helped. The separation made him realize that he couldn't be without us and that the feelings he had during the A were all fog. It helped us. I'm not saying I want him to go away any time soon.....I need him here with me.

So we have vacation in a few weeks. We are going to the mountains. I'll visit my grandmother and go see my father's grave. I'll have a new outlook on my father's life now. My mother did the same thing to him but she took us from him....many say he died the day she left him and took his kids. That fact alone has made me revisit how I felt about my father. It's not a bad thing but I really am looking forward to going there soon. Bring me peace.

OK...that's another topic for another thread...one I'm not willing to discuss.

WAT - aren't you counting days as well?

Yes, we leave June 17th.

Going to be "revirginated." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT, i hope your june 17th is a lot better than i think mine will be, that's my wedding anniversary. trying not to dwell on it but trying to figure out how i'm going to deal w/it.

Rough -

We must have been posting at the same time. I just saw your previous post.

He has not read all of HN/HN and as far as I know he has not come to this site yet. I have talked to him a little about MB concepts but he doesn't want to talk about it or at least shys away from the subject. He does understand that he has to work hard to build back my trust and he is doing everything he can to do that.

He did not take leave this week. We both had to go to work this week. I'll actually be traveling to my home office 2 days this week. It'll be tough to be away again but it'll sure be good to come back home. He is taking next week off. Then we will go on vacation the next week. The week after we get back he will leave again for 2 weeks! I should be used to this after spending 10 years on the front line but it's hard to get used to that.

And Rough - might I suggest you plan something big on your Annv. Not for you and your H but just for Rough! Maybe grab a friend and head to a fun park for the day. A few hotdogs, some popcorn, cotton candy and a few roller coasters and you'll have a chance to get away and not focus on your H for the day. Just a thought. If you aren't into that maybe go for something else like a day at the spa. How about skydiving!?!?!?! I did it and it was awesome!

I hope you are well today.

Herowsife,

Glad to see things are moving along. Only have a moment, but I wanted to dispel the notion you have stated that you should be further along than you are, that triggers shouldn't have a hold on you at this date.

Recovery is what it is. It takes time and patience, on the part of two people. You and Hero seem to have that on your side.

As for your anniversary, it can be a wonderful event if you position your attitude leading up to it. Accept that there will be "down" moments, but always, always, follow those up with thoughts of that drive in the new truck when the song came on; or the girls screaming and smothering their daddy with kisses when he came home.

Putting a marriage back together after infidelity is so very hard. Don't expect too much of yourself at any given moment; on the other hand, always try to rise to the occassion with grace and forgiveness.

You're on the right track. Good to "read" from you!!!

~ Snow

heroswife, thanks for thinking of me still and again, not having a good day or the last 12 hours for that matter. i started a new thread. not a very happy one. i can't expect anyone to read it because i'm not sure i could if i were in a "recovery" position but i posted it none the less. prayers to you.

Heroswife just wanted to let you know the song that you like is called "The Reason and it's by Hoobastank"

Many thanks to you Tinman.

I am also a huge fan of KC from your signature.

Any more thoughts on renewing those vows?

KS -

Yep, still planning on doing that. Would like to start the plans now but I'm really not motivated. I'm thinking this whole recovery thing will require some medication. I am depressed again. Not sure why. I'm wondering if coming to this board everyday isn't an addiction for me.

I try not to get caught up with the newbies because it is so painful. I'm hanging in here now for Roughroad. I just want to do more for her.

I feel guilty about avoiding newbies. I think this is common around those of us that have been here for a while. I believe I heard something similar from The Great Mr. WAT. (I say that with complete respect....I think he needs to do this full time. He seems to help a lot of people around here.)

Not sure what the problem is here. Maybe focusing on renewing my vows will get me out of this funk!!!

I'll be traveling for the next few days and probably won't be able to post. I'm sure that has a lot to do with my feeling down right now. My H just came home and I'm already leaving!

I need a new job...mine is too stressful and not condusive to the time required of my family. I'd take a pay cut! Should I put that on my resume'? I have incredible computer skills and my people skills are out of this world...oh and I am extremely humble (JK). I feel better already.

I think it would definitely help to focus on planning to renew your vows. Planning my wedding helps me take a break from studying. I have deadlines and exams looming at the moment and planning the wedding gives me an alternative focus and something to look forward to when the exams are over.

With regard to career: what makes you happy? Once you have established this, go for it. You do not need to earn a large income to support your family as you have your dear H. If it would make you happy to take some time out to spend with your H and the girls for a while, don't feel guilty about that. Don't forget the POJA though.

I am biased though, because my mother stayed at home til I was 16. She was satisfied though, because she did a remarkable amount of studying through distance learning, and is now 2 years away from graduating with a BA(Hons) in Literature. She has just got a great new job. She has succeeded in furthering her career whilst also always being there for me.

Anyway, slight tangent there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Hope you are well: avoid the meds if there is another option!

Lots of love to you

oh heroswife, thank you so much for your concern and you continued thoughts for me. i truly understand though if it's tough to come here. i don't want you to sacrifice anything for me but again do know how special it is and how much it means to me that you do post to me (as well as others). i'm almost feeling that maybe i'm coming here too much, i don't know. i think that God has led me here but maybe that just because that's what i want to believe. i continue to pray on that.

as far as the job issue, you're a smart woman so none of this is going to sound new. i was never into getting a job for the money but i was into getting a job where i would be happy. even though i know there's no perfect job, i believed that if i had a job that i liked or at least didn't dread all the time then in turn that would make me an easier person to live with. so i sacrificed a lot at my marriages expense to get that job and look where's it's got me. i know not all of that but i'm living where i am and working where i am because of that mindset. i do have a great job but if i had just worked at walmart and stayed in the same house and state as my H then maybe this all wouldn't have happened. but i was so concerned about myself and not getting a job when i got out of the military that i thought would cause me stress. that i just took off more or less with the plan that my husband would be joining me soon after he graduated. perhaps the biggest mistake of my life.

well enough of that because i certainly don't want to depress anyone anymore. do you really have to work? maybe just a part-time job? have a safe trip and know you will continue to be in our thoughts, prayers and God bless, RR