Howdy yawl. It's been a long time since I've visited. I've been so busy working and taking care of my new addition to the family who is now 12 months old. What a joy. She is such a doll. She truly has her father wrapped around her little finger. Other than me, she has truly stolen his heart.

Anyway, I am having a little problem. Well, my situation is like this. I am having issues with trusting my H. We have been married for 8 years and we have had some serious ups and downs. Things have gotten better but I have not been able to open up to him like I use to. Eight years ago, I had troubles with
my H staying out late, drinking and we were very physical with one another. We fought over my housekeeping skills and meals and how I felt he was so disrespectful because he would curse me out. So I started playing tit-for-tat. So, getting advice from family members(biggest mistake), they felt that he was acting this way because he had another woman on the side. Now I was a stay-at-home married woman getting ready to have our first child. I felt like I was so alone. I did my research, but I never did find another woman in his life. There was absoultely nothing to lead me to finding another woman. I always questioned his whereabouts, when he was coming home and who is with, etc. etc. I spoke with him after all of this because I wanted him to know that I was concerned, especially for the fact that a lot of women in my family were cheated on. He swore to me on the Bible(literally) that he has been faithful to me and always will be. He said that just because we are having problems doesn't mean that I am out there with someone else. He said that he can't stand coming home and the house isn't like how he grew up or he doesn't have a hot meal everyday and I was always upset about something and that is why he didn't want to be home with me. He rather hang out with the fellows or his lodge brothers. Yeah, I was young, pregnant and I didn't do alot of things right;however, I have changed in alot of ways. I honestly feel that growing up in a family like mine has truly scorned me.

As it continues, my H and I still faced a lot of issues and we had to go to court(2X), we went to counselling and we even went our separate ways for a while.

Eight years later, things have finally gotten better; however, I just don't feel the same. I still find myself questioning his whereabouts. He stays home more(he will even lie to his friends and say that I have somewhere to go and he has to stay home with the kids), he goes out with his friends sometimes, but he is back no later than 12:30 or 1 o'clock(use to be 4), he helps out around the house more and he helps with our 2 children. I love my H, but things are just not the same. They say that it is better late than never, but I am feeling like it is too late.

Am I crazy or what? Can I please get some sound advice?

And I wanted to say that my H tells me everywhere he is going and he always has. It was just a time when he would go and not come back until late. He would mostly just go out to drink and play cards at his friends home. That is what he said but I didn't believe him, because my family felt that he was lying just to get out there and be with someone else. So hearing that and looking at how he was treating me made me feel like he did find someone else to spend his time with. Then to get back at him, I would go out to clubs and then he started hanging out at clubs too. I was tired of being home and feeling alone. So he pretty much did the same thing I did. He started asking when and where? After a while, the club thing started getting very tiresome so we didn't go there anymore. I think that calling the club life quits was just because he was wondering what I was doing like I had been wondering for the longest time. I noticed that if I did some of the things he did, he would stop going out for a while. I guess that is where the tit-for-tat came in.
Oh and I forgot to mention that he is also in the Masonry, he holds one of the highest offices in his lodge and that is also why he did not spend a lot of time home. When there are new members coming in, that is when a lot of his time is taken away from the home. Now he really doesn't go to his meetings unless it is really necessary. I guess if I had more to do, I wouldn't be so caught up in all the negatives or wondering if I am still in love with my H. I love him, but "In Love" is the puzzling part.

Now as for the upkeep of our home. I was not the very best in maintaining things when we first got married but I tried. He didn't help much either by throwing his crap everywhere. Having a new baby really was very tiring. So things were just not right. I was going through post-partum depression, but I really didn't seek any help like I was told. My fault. That is why I was always upset and along with him being unfair to me. I talked mostly to my family and they tried to help me out. But with him constantly cursing me out and making me feel like a poot-butt, I just rebelled. I figured he didn't deserve a cooked meal everyday, etc., etc. So things got really messy with our marriage.

Well, I am 29 years old now and I have really learned how to do things a lot different now. My H is even different with how things should be in our marriage. It's just that I am still unsure about our marriage. This is something that I have wanted for our marriage the longest time. That is to be loved, to be respected and to be able to trust each other. Unfortunately, with all of the past baggage, it has truly been hard for me.

The kinds of difficulties that you are experiencing could probably be helped with a little MC at this point. No obvious big problems but that lull or void you are both probably experiencing is actually an optimum time to work on things before something goes really wrong.

The extracurricular activities, such as bar hopping et all do take away from the fifteen hour rule of Dr. Harley! Do you have some time where you focus upon one another? Work on that at least.

Are you still drinking alcohol? Post partum depression sure would have been exacerbated by imbibing!

If you are SAHM, why not have a "hot meal" prepared each day! That is something your children need as well. If he is late, you cover it and save it, warm it up when he gets home from work!

Do you work at providing for each other's EN's? Get on that list, it does help quite a bit! When we show care and concern for one another love comes back and the trust and security can be wonderful as a result. Try that.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, we are working on each others EN's. He still drinks but it is on rare occassions now. I drink too but it is every blue moon. During my postpartum depression I never drunk alcohol because I was nursing my son. I started the club thing because H didn't like the clubs. I knew he hated how I danced. Too Go-Go for him, so I wanted to get back at him leaving me alone all the time. Anyway, we don't go to clubs anymore.

We mostly stay home in the bed and watch Lifetime for Women together or we play video games. We take the children to the park or zoo. We really do not go out because we have little one's. Even though I have family here, it is really hard to depend on them for babysitting. Then we go out with our friends but we take turns staying home with our children.

As for the meals, I try to be sure that he has something to eat everyday. Depends on the weather, we might cookout. Sometimes we eat breakfast for dinner, lunch for dinner or just plan dinner. No one is missing meals around here. Especially my H. He had to buy a new uniform for the military because his waist has gone up two sizes.

Well, I would say that we are trying to affair-proof our marriage. Things have happened in our marriage to make me feel that he has been unfaithful and he has said the same thing to me. I guess that is why we are having issues with the trust. Scared to death that one of us may committ adultery. He said that he never would do that to me because he loves me in spite of and I say the same thing. I just don't want to be too trusting and get my feelings crush.

Are you working towards undivided attention at all? The fifteen hours you would spend on each other less the tv, or the games!

The EN questionnaire is a beginning at working on this. And this questionnnaire is good to re-take after a time, as your needs become fulfilled!

Trust is existing in the marriage, when we have that H/O. Without drinking alcohol, and preferably with an MC, you could approach questions you have regarding past behaviors.

If his present behaviors are all your hearts desire, and trust is there now, then you are doing best. Otherwise, pick up books that teach about how to protect, and affair proof your marriage.

My personal favorites thus far are: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and Emotional Infidelity -(How to Affair-Proof your Marriage and ten other secrets to a Great Relationship) by M.Gary Neuman. They worked wonders for us, reading together and sharing you thoughts and feelings on them is a good practice!

I know how difficult it seems to be able to grab attention for just the two of you, with children around. It does seem just impossible to get (and give!) undivided attention! What works is putting them down for a nap, locking your door just for a short time... The more we try finding this time, the more available it does become. I know that this is true, as our hours used to be unbelievably relentless in every other aspect of our lives. However, now we have more than fifteen hours of undivided attention.

How old are your children? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: cardinal ]</small>

My son will be 7 years old next month and our daughter is 12 1/2 months.

My father use to keep our son and we would go out all the time, but now my father doesn't have anywhere to lay his own head. So that has really been a push back on the recreational companionship. Sometimes we just lay in the bed and talk about our future and careers. We have been having a lot of sex lately, but of course being a woman I would like a little more than sweaty sheets.

I do alot of reading but I have not read any material on keeping our marriage affair-proof. I need to work on that.